Controlled or Controlling?
- Aug 26, 2021
- 4 min read
Written by: Nurit Amichai, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
2020 was more than any of us expected. The entire world was not the only witness to, but also a participant in something so big and encompassing that we were left breathless, afraid, and feeling very out of control.
The pandemic could not be controlled effectively. Lockdowns, policing, isolation, medical advice, common-sense advice, threats, and promises abounded, and to keep things tense, everything changed every few hours. It seemed nobody knew for certain what was going on and who, if anyone, was in control.
We want and need control to feel safe.
Often, when our world feels out of control, we look for ways to control our personal space, our own environment. There’s a sense of safety in control. We know what’s going on, we determine what happens to us. In this sense, control is a very good thing – normal and even healthy. But there’s another side to control, which focuses on controlling situations and/or people outside of ourselves.
It's little surprise that many people have a hard time with the word, control. “You’re always trying to control things!” But really, the problem isn’t control – the problem is in the trying.
The reality is that to live life, we must be in control. Life is all about control. Think about it for a moment. Whatever you do, wherever you go, you’re in control. Walking down the street, preparing dinner, or going to work, if you weren’t in control you wouldn’t be able to accomplish any of these things. As I mentioned earlier, the problem is in the trying to control.
When we try to control, we are asserting our will or desire upon a situation or person. Trying to control is always pointed away from us. We want things to change to our liking, to what suits us, what makes us comfortable. So, we make noise. We make demands. We have all kinds of ways in which we make the effort to assert our control over the issue at hand.
One way trying to control shows up is in the need to fix people or situations. While most often we see it in relationships, being a fixer is also prominent in social and work environments where the fixer shows up to rescue the situation. We want to be the savior, to fix what we perceive is broken or not working properly. It’s the thrill of the challenge. We feel needed, special, life-changers. We see ourselves in the broken situation and by fixing someone else’s issues, we unconsciously fix ourselves. We thrive on seeing the impact of our work on someone else and long for the appreciation of the individual or situation we fixed. We want to make them better for us and indebted to us. We are now in control of the situation – not necessarily in control of ourselves.
Truth told, there’s really nothing at all wrong about wanting to help other people or help resolve situations. Being part of a team means being part of the solution, working together with others to find the best way to resolve an issue. Where the problems enter is when it becomes about controlling the outcome. Trying to engineer a solution that may not be in the best interest of all but serves an individual need. Trying to fix what is perceived as being broken for the wrong reason.
What if we focused on being in control of our own lives, ourselves, our personal space? What if we stopped trying to control what is outside of us and just lived a life of self-control? Can you imagine your home, office, classroom, or social space without someone trying to control things? Some would call that utopia! What kind of harmony would ensue if everyone was in control of their person and personal space and let others do likewise?
There’s an ancient adage that says that iron sharpens iron. Relationships should be focused on a quality that sharpens each individual and brings out the best without trying to control or fix the other.
It’s always a good idea to step back and assess before diving in for control or repair. Is it your place? Why are you doing it? Consider the following warning and remember:
Some broken things have very sharp edges that are often difficult and dangerous to fix. It’s just a good idea to accept those things and people for who and what they are – as they are.
Nurit Amichai, Executive Contributor, Brainz Magazine
Nurit Amichai is a holistic therapist and life coach who provides individuals with an opportunity to strip away old, unproductive and damaging habits and create new, lasting behaviors that support the dynamic and powerful life they really want to live. As a result of a devastating illness, she set about rebuilding her body and life through nutrition and fitness. Realizing that wasn't enough, she entered the personal growth world where she allowed her truths to surface by giving herself permission to face and then release the pain and self-destructive behaviors she had harbored for so many years. This experience birthed the desire to share these lessons and gifts with others.
She has merged all of the disciplines learned over decades — nutrition, fitness, and mental and emotional health — into the true passion of her life: to help people heal and gain optimal health, giving her clients the benefit of many years of learning and experience, coaching them and giving them tools for finding fulfillment and unleashing their own personal power.
