Choosing Your Values Even When Anxiety Shows Up
Written by Kelsey Irving, Licensed Clinical Therapist
Kelsey Irving is a licensed therapist and recognized specialist in OCD and anxiety disorders. She is the founder of Steadfast Psychology Group and author of the children’s book Jacob and the Cloud.
People often come to me feeling frustrated, powerless, or fed up because they see that they are no longer in charge of making decisions in their lives. Instead, anxiety, obsessions, and compulsions have “taken the wheel” and now steer the course based on avoiding pain or discomfort. Take these real-life instances.
“I love going to the beach, but my fear of driving has limited me to a 2-mile radius. I went all summer without seeing the ocean.”
“I want to support my son at his soccer games, but I have so much social anxiety that I often end up staying home to avoid speaking to other parents.”
Anxiety or worry can take us off course in many small scenarios until one day we look up and wonder, “How did I get here?” Consistently making decisions based on fear-driven reasoning can really decrease our confidence. We lose sight of our ability to handle discomfort, which can lead to self-doubt and judgment.
How to make more value-based decisions
The first thing to do is get back in touch with your values. What is really important to YOU? If you need help exploring that, here are a few helpful worksheets to get you started. When you are clearer about your values, it is easier to determine whether your motivation is fear or love.
Let’s revisit the examples given above:
“I am scared to drive, but the ocean air and salt water are good for me. Walking on the beach and swimming in the water is good exercise, and I value my health.”
“I am uncomfortable with socializing, but it is important that my son feels supported at his soccer game.”
Note that we are not aiming to get rid of the discomfort in either situation, but rather act on what’s important despite the fear. When we make decisions based on what’s important to us, we string together a series of days, months, or years that are filled with things we can be proud of. Even if we still feel anxious, sad, worried, or distressed at the end, we will have done something productive and meaningful with our time!
Buddhist teachings offer a helpful reminder that discomfort is not a mistake, it is part of being human. The concept of dukkha acknowledges that fear, anxiety, and uncertainty naturally arise, and that suffering often increases when we struggle to make these feelings disappear. Rather than waiting to feel calm, Buddhism emphasizes mindful acceptance – noticing difficult emotions without judging them or letting them control our actions. Through non-attachment, we learn that we can care deeply about our values without needing our experiences to feel comfortable. Fear can be present without being in charge. When we act in alignment with what matters to us, despite discomfort, we loosen anxiety’s grip, build resilience, and create a life guided by intention rather than avoidance.
If you’d like to change the course of your life so that you can live more aligned with your values than your fears, contact me to see whether we’d be a good fit for therapy.
Read more from Kelsey Irving
Kelsey Irving, Licensed Clinical Therapist
Kelsey Irving is a licensed therapist specializing in the treatment of adults with OCD and anxiety disorders. Inspired by a close family member’s diagnosis and the widespread misunderstanding of OCD, she became deeply committed to providing informed, compassionate, and effective care. Kelsey serves individuals through her private practice, Steadfast Psychology Group, and extends her impact through her children’s book, Jacob and the Cloud.
