Building Connection in the Age of Divisiveness
- 12 hours ago
- 12 min read
Fabio da Silva Fernandes knows what it's like to stumble. In 2021, he left his long career in the fintech industry to start his own wellness practice focused on mindfulness and Reiki, and now he explores the complex topic of resilience on his inspiring podcast called The Stumbling Spirit.
Time and again, I have heard guests of my podcast say that connection is important in building resilience. In other words, cultivating a healthy connection to oneself and others that is based on compassion, where we feel supported and are better able to navigate the adversities of life. But what does it mean to have healthy connections? And when should we set boundaries with those we love? In this article, I broadly examine the basic principles of forming and maintaining sound connections.
The connection paradox
In my living memory, we have never been more connected through technology, yet never more divided as a society. This is the paradox of our times.
Political discourse in this post-pandemic world of economic uncertainty and neo-nationalist movements has driven an ideological wedge between people. This climate has precipitated a landscape laden with eggshells and trigger warnings, which has mushroomed into an avoidant culture that is afraid of, or intolerant to, exchanging ideas and discussing issues at the risk of censorship and repercussions.
To be clear, I am not suggesting that we had it better in the good old days. However, in this chasm of opposing ideologies coupled with avoidance, it might seem like an impossible task to foster greater connection.
Adding to the mix, most of us are perpetually distracted by our handheld devices, which ironically could be one of the main reasons we are being kept apart. We cling to our smartphones and doom-scroll on social media for entertainment and to get the latest news in the form of short clips of micro-journalism.
Technology has infiltrated every facet of our lives, and it seems as though we cannot get away from it. We are wired together by, and dependent on, technology but, in my opinion, it will never replace our human need for genuine connection.
In her book Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age, MIT Professor Sherry Turkle argues that face-to-face conversation is the answer to sustaining healthy connections between people and enhancing our capacity for personal development. In terms of our relationship with technology itself, Turkle posits that we use it to try to solve our problem with loneliness. Turkle believes that our fear of being alone drives us to rely on our social media followers for validation and a sense of self-worth, but our facility for empathy and forming real relationships ends up suffering.
Related article: Sci-Fi, Reality and The Search For Truth
Chosen family, stale relationships
If we are lucky, our chosen family might include our actual family members, but this term most often relates to dear friends who have ascended to the status of loved ones. These are the ride-or-die friends who are ready and willing to listen, offer advice, and lend support whenever needed. These are the friends we can count on at a moment’s notice, and who we would invite over for Christmas dinner without giving it a second thought.
That said, relationships can change over time. Certain quirks that were once endearing might now be annoying. Also, boundaries can become blurred in relationships that have lasted decades. What was once considered caring behavior might now seem overbearing and possessive.
Mi cancel es su cancel
Perhaps this is an extension of cancel culture, but there is an increasing societal trend of cutting off friends and family as a means of resolving ongoing conflicts. While this decision might be necessary in extreme cases of psychological, emotional, and physical duress, it should not be taken lightly. Despite this phenomenon and the divisive sociopolitical zeitgeist, there appears to be a general yearning to bring people back together.
Case in point: More in Common is an organization that was founded on the principle of bringing people together after UK Member of Parliament Jo Cox was killed for her personal beliefs in 2016. The ethos of More in Common is to understand what is driving divisiveness across the globe and to help promote social cohesion. In its 2026-2030 strategy document, More in Common outlines four priorities: producing insights and thought leadership to understand public attitudes, accompanying partners and leaders to deliver hard truths and provide actionable frameworks, joining and building networks and ecosystems to bring people together and share information, and expanding its reach to other jurisdictions around the world.
In an ironic twist of fate, MP Jo Cox once said in part, “We are far more united and have more in common than that which divides us.”
Boundaries
The University of Rochester Medical Center says that “According to the American Psychological Association, a boundary (noun) is a psychological demarcation that protects the integrity of an individual or group, or that helps the person or group set realistic limits on participation in a relationship or activity. In other words, boundaries are expectations and needs that help people feel comfortable in their relationships and interests. Boundaries are a form of communication and help define what behaviors are acceptable to each individual.”
Regardless of the proximity of a given relationship, it is important to set boundaries with everyone in our sphere. Sometimes it is just about understanding what and how much to share with specific people. It is also about discerning how involved we want to be in someone’s life and vice versa. It is essential to recalibrate relationships, especially when there is inconsistency in behavior.
So much can be said for loved ones with the sensibility to bear witness to our journey in steady support. Conversely, individuals with possessive tendencies often project their own fears and wants onto others. While it might be couched as a demonstration of love and support, it is actually a bet against our autonomy and personal success. This is where boundary setting is essential, otherwise, we might build up resentment to the point of cutting off such relationships for good.
Remember that setting boundaries is important for our own mental health, so there is no need to feel guilty about it. This is supported by the Mental Health Center, which says that “Many of us are taught to be people-pleasers, to put others’ needs before our own, or to ignore our personal limits in favor of productivity. Unfortunately, this comes at the cost of our mental health. Research shows that without clear boundaries, we risk burnout, anxiety, and emotional exhaustion.”
If a boundary has been crossed that produces a strain in a relationship, then allow for a gap of time and distance away from that person to reassess the relationship and determine if you even want them back in your life.
If possible, keep the door open to allow estranged family and friends to re-enter your life. After all, they might have reached a new stage of personal growth that could yield a healthier dynamic between you and them.
That said, not everyone deserves direct access to you. Ultimately, you get to decide who you want in your life, who has your phone number, and who you connect with online.
Expectation vs. reciprocity
It is crucial to form relationships that are in mutual reception. To illustrate this idea, let us explore the difference between expectation and reciprocity.
According to Dictionary.com, expectation is defined in part as “the act or state of looking forward or anticipating,” and “something looked forward to, whether feared or hoped for.”
A particularly harmful dimension of expectation is when people hold something against those they have helped. It is a premeditated grudge or debt that they have decided will never be satisfied or repaid to an acceptable standard. Invariably, this kind of debt is masked as guilt. In fact, in some families, the very fact of being born into the world puts a child in the red for their entire lifetime. Those with such unreasonable expectations make a mental list of what they have done and for whom, and they bank on the fact that they will never get a return on investment.
On the other hand, reciprocal relationships are balanced relationships that are mutually compensatory. Some people might describe it as a give and take, but I see it as a harmonious flow of energy between people. This exchange of energy can include expressions of gratitude and thanks, being physically and emotionally present, performing small acts of kindness, and gift-giving.
Dictionary.com simply defines reciprocity as “a mutual exchange,” while Merriam-Webster says that it is “the quality or state of being reciprocal: mutual dependence, action, or influence,” and Cambridge Dictionary defines reciprocity as “behavior in which two people or groups of people give each other help and advantages.”
From my perspective, reciprocity is not a like-for-like exchange in monetary value, it is about balance in the giving and receiving of energy between people, based on trust, respect, kindness, and understanding.
Patterns of behavior
There are patterns of behavior that we each exhibit towards one another that are healthy and unhealthy. While no one is perfect, it is important to have some level of consistency in how we behave in our relationships. For example, when a friend is always hot and cold and inserts passive-aggressive jabs on a regular basis, it is destabilizing and does not nurture an atmosphere of trust and safety in the relationship. It is also energetically depleting.
In fact, this kind of dynamic can chip away at us and build up resentment to the point of not wanting to spend any time with such a person, resulting in slowly or abruptly pushing them away. This is why reciprocity is critical in maintaining healthy relationships.
The gossip clue
Gossip is pervasive in our society. We consume it online with headlines of the latest celebrity scandal. We hear it from our friends and family, and yes, we even spew it ourselves from time to time. I think we can all agree that gossip is toxic.
For clarity, I am not talking about venting to a friend about a personal situation. I am talking about the kind of unsubstantiated gossip that has no relevance to a conversation and can cause reputational damage to the individual in question, who is not present to defend themselves.
In spotting this toxicity, we will be equipped to respond effectively to the person doing the gossiping by shutting the conversation down or simply walking away. This behavior is a clear red flag and indicator that the gossiper cannot be trusted. Chances are that if they are dishing about others when they are not around, they will likely do the same to us when we are not in the room.
Forgiveness does not equal stupidity
Forgiveness is key to unburdening ourselves of suffering, either due to something we did that we are not proud of, or an action that someone took that inflicted pain upon us. It serves a double purpose: setting us free from the trap of rumination over a specific situation, and it is also deeply healing.
That said, forgiveness does not equal stupidity. In the case of forgiving a friend or family member, it does not necessarily mean that things will revert back to ‘normal.’ Rather, it should be a catalyst to set up healthy boundaries that will facilitate a new kind of relationship to emerge. Alternatively, it could also be the straw that breaks the camel’s back, leading to both of you going your separate ways.
Whatever decision is made, it does not have to be done in a dramatic or malicious fashion. Whether you choose to continue a relationship or not, the decision should come from a place of love and compassion.
Is a relationship worth keeping?
In order to know if a connection is worth sustaining, it is essential to ask some hard questions about the relationship itself, especially if it is on life support.
Is there harmony or disharmony in the relationship?
How do you feel before, during, and after interactions with this person?
Is your perception of this person real, or have you told yourself a story about them that is not true?
How have you contributed to this unhealthy dynamic?
Is the relationship rooted in trust, respect, kindness, and understanding?
Have you communicated your concerns with the person in question?
Is this individual self-aware enough to take on feedback and adapt?
Is the relationship worth salvaging?
How do you foresee the dynamics changing?
Is it time to set up new boundaries?
Answering these questions might give you the clarity needed to know your next steps in handling a troubled relationship.
8 tips to navigate relationships
Below are some tips on building healthier relationships:
1. Connection to self
The most important relationship is the one we have with ourselves. It is from this place that all other connections emerge. In other words, having a healthy connection with oneself, including a positive self-image, self-confidence, love, and compassion, will permeate throughout our entire constellation of friends and family. If we have a poor self-image, we might compensate as a people-pleaser and get ourselves into toxic relationships. Practices such as mindfulness, physical fitness, and creativity can help build a healthier relationship with ourselves.
Related article: What We've Gotten Wrong About Resilience
2. Connection to nature and other sources of spirituality
When we connect with the natural world, there is something that happens to the spirit that revitalizes it and helps us understand and appreciate our connection to all things. This is the kind of mindful awareness that people experience in meditation and in states of contemplative prayer.
Related article: The Miracles That Power Resilience
3. The importance of acceptance
Accept people as they are and, at the same time, speak your truth and call out ambiguous or inconsiderate behavior. The only things we can control are our decisions and responses to the people around us, including whether we want to have a connection with them at all. It is also important to accept ourselves in relation to where we are in our journey of personal development. Acceptance is a fundamental attribute of mindful self-compassion.
4. Most people are good people
I truly believe that most people are good people, even if they are not your cup of tea. This does not mean that you have to treat them badly. Within a constellation of relationships, there are different orbits. We get to decide which orbit each person moves within in our lives. While we are all part of the same solar system, we get to choose everyone’s planetary placements in relation to ourselves.
5. Be open to dialogue and listen
They say that listening is the key to effective communication. However, in this era of sports team politics and cancel culture, dialogue is now rife with avoidance, dogma, and self-censorship. I describe it as collective passive aggression. It is an unsustainable situation. If you reflect on the divisions sown within families, between friends, and in our community, it is the kind of divisiveness that has produced stalemates and, in some cases, irreparable damage to relationships. What can be done to bridge the gap? We can listen more, really listen, and try to arrive at a place where we can exchange ideas without attempting to convince one another of our righteousness. Listen, be open, and ask questions. Perhaps we can start the conversation off by saying, “In my current awareness, I see this situation in this light… how do you see it?”
Related article: The Gifts of the Beginner's Mind
6. Think beyond yourself
In the rat race of life, we might feel like a cog in the wheel of a societal system that imposes structures and routines in our lives, making it hard for us to think about anyone else but ourselves. This might be due to our preoccupation with affording the lifestyle we have created for ourselves, including the homes, the cars, the trips, and weekend activities that are meant to inject some semblance of normalcy. The reality might be quite the opposite. Additionally, the image we desire to attain and sustain for ourselves can trigger insecurities and lead to unhealthy competition when we compare ourselves with our neighbors. Unfortunately, many people do not take stock of what is important in life until they lose a loved one or come face-to-face with their own mortality. Life is more than wealth acquisition and crossing goals off a checklist. It is about connection.
7. Allyship
Part of thinking beyond ourselves is showing up for the people in our community. We have seen this in action with the recent events in Minneapolis, where American citizens protested against US federal officers in their crackdown on undocumented workers and immigrants. In this standoff between law enforcement and the general public, we witnessed the best and worst of humanity.
8. Be compassionate and help people
When we help family, friends, neighbors, and strangers, we are working toward making this world a better place. This can be achieved through physical presence, offering emotional support, and cheering the successes of those around us. We can also volunteer our time and expertise at a local non-profit organization.
Connect through the heart
The path to connection is through the heart. We should not wait for a natural disaster to bring us together. The more money and power we have, the more susceptible we are to losing ourselves to the trappings of life.
As I mentioned earlier, while there are worst-case scenarios for severing relationships, this decision ought to be the exception, not the rule. Unless it is an irreconcilable difference, it is important to have grace because no one wants to be judged based on a bad day.
I am generally not a fan of the saying, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” It really depends on the infraction and pattern of behavior. I think it is important to have compassion because we are not always going to be the best version of ourselves at every given moment.
To learn more, book me for a talk and consultation today. To listen to The Stumbling Spirit Podcast, click here, or you can find my show on your favorite podcast streaming platform.
Read more from Fabio da Silva Fernandes
Fabio da Silva Fernandes, Resilience, Mindfulness, and Reiki Enthusiast
For most of his professional career, Fabio da Silva Fernandes worked in the tech industry as a customer support leader. About a decade ago, Fabio began his mindfulness journey, incorporating the practice of presence into his life on a regular basis. In his pursuit of personal wellness, Fabio attained several mindfulness certifications and, in 2018, delved into the world of energy work and started his Reiki training. Fabio is now a certified Reiki Master and Reiki Master Teacher. In 2021, Fabio left his career in fintech to launch his own wellness business called Resting Bell Wellness Inc., which is now branded under the name of his resilience podcast, The Stumbling Spirit.
