Written by: Maki Moussavi, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
A hallmark of high-achieving people is that they are driven. They know what they want and they go after it. A goal is set. Tasks are lined up to reach that goal. Single-minded pursuit begins. The goal is realized. But at what cost?
I had to ask myself that question when I realized I was miserable at the height of my corporate career. MISERABLE. Honestly, it kind of scared me. Was there something wrong with me? How could anyone in my position be unhappy? I was steadily ascending the ladder, financially comfortable, and able to do pretty much what I wanted. How, exactly, was this a problem?
I didn’t know at first. I did a lot of self-reflection trying to get to the answer. I had to be brutally honest in my assessment of myself and what was driving me in order to figure it out. There’s obviously no one reason, but a major driver that stood out in particular for me was this uncomfortable truth: I was driven by a need for validation from others. I needed proof that I was good enough, and for me, that came in the form of promotions, salary increases and other forms of recognition. If I didn’t get that validation, what did that say about me?
My validation-seeking behavior started when I was quite young. I didn’t get what I needed from at home, so I sought it elsewhere: at school. I was an excellent student, academically and behaviorally. I got the proof I needed that I was, indeed, good enough in the form of grades and praise. The reward system worked for me. I knew that I could prove my value to myself and others by continually reaching for bigger and bigger goals in order to “grow.”
"The reality is that it’s easier to prioritize work above other areas because it is how we prove our value."
As a transformational and executive coach, I see that the need for external validation drives many high achievers. Career growth tends to be prioritized above all areas of life. Other parts of life get sacrificed at the professional altar. We rationalize that it “will all be worth it” when we’ve reached some milestone. We promise ourselves that we’ll pay better attention to the areas of our lives that are suffering after a particular goal has been reached. But how often does that really happen? The reality is that it’s easier to prioritize work above other areas because it is how we prove our value. It’s even easier to make it the top priority because it’s directly tied to our survival, e.g. it’s how we put money in the bank to live our lives.
In professional environments, we are encouraged to put work above all else. Sure, there may be some lip service paid to why it’s important to take a break, go on vacation, and maybe your company even has some ping pong tables thrown in to show you just how much they want you to have a little break in your workday. But none of this cancels out the fact that you can see, with your own eyes, how people who put work above all get ahead. The people who say yes to everything, travel relentlessly (or at least did before the pandemic!), and send emails at 1 a.m. are rewarded. The people who have made it clear work trumps everything else is held up as the shining examples of what an employee or leader should be.
"The damage is permanent, and she’ll have to deal with it for the rest of her life"
Back in my corporate days, I had a friend who was in sales. Her team had gone through some changes that increased her workload significantly. She was hoping for a promotion, so she put her head down and did the work. Most of her team were road warriors, and she was often at work alone in her area. The stress was continuous, and she worked many more hours than usual during that time, telling herself it wouldn’t be that way forever, and she could duke it out. One day, around lunchtime, she started to feel strange. Her chest hurt, and she was having a hard time taking a deep breath. There was no one around, so instead of asking for help, she drove herself to the hospital nearby. There, they confirmed she’d had a heart attack. At the age of 37, with no underlying risk factors. The doctors said it was “stress cardiomyopathy.” The damage is permanent, and she’ll have to deal with it for the rest of her life.
We’ve all heard (or experienced) stories like this. But it’s madness, isn’t it? There’s no professional achievement that’s worth your health, relationships, or peace of mind. Work isn’t the end-all and be-all, though too much of the messaging we receive enforces the idea that it is.
We can’t compartmentalize our lives. We can’t set professional and personal goals that are mutually exclusive. What we experience in one area, we experience globally. If your goals are work-focused to the exclusion or de-prioritization of the other aspects of your life, you risk so much - perhaps your health, and certainly the intangible, emotionally fulfilling parts of life that we can be quick to push aside in order to feel valuable.
Do your goals need to be re-evaluated? Be sure to consider your life as a whole. You don’t lead two separate lives - you lead one. Make sure it works for you holistically.
Maki Moussavi, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Maki Moussavi is a transformational and executive coach, speaker and author who helps executives and organizations who seek to empower, strengthen and transform their leadership and teams. Maki provides the mental tools and accountability to enable highly transformative, professional and personal development that focuses on “reprogramming” to a new mindset that is authentic and aligns personal, career and organizational aspirations while gaining clarity on direction and vision. She also supports executive teams and organizations to empower meaningful change during times of transition or cultural challenges. Maki is a corporate career veteran and Master’s-trained genetic counselor.
