Are You Seeing a Huge Difference Between Your Childhood and That of Your Kids?
Written by Tina Feigal, M.S., Ed., Parent Coach
Former school psychologist Tina Feigal specializes in helping caregivers heal trauma associated with adoption, foster care, and children's losses of any kind. She's the author of Present Moment Parenting: The Guide to a Peaceful Life with Your Intense Child and has trained and mentored 850 coaches worldwide.
With 26 years of coaching parents, I hear this reflection almost every day, “Today’s kids are living a completely different lifestyle than the one I grew up with.” Often, today’s youth are labeled “entitled” or “spoiled,” while their parents are labeled “too soft.” “I never would have gotten away with talking to adults the way these kids do!” is another often spoken observation.
So, what does all of this represent in the larger scheme of life? Are we raising out of control children, or is it something else? Why is “emotional regulation” such a popular concept these days, and how did we grow up halfway decently without this term being touted by experts?
I don’t have all the answers to these questions, but my coaching and training experience has brought me some ideas that may be helpful to parents and educators.
Are our kids entitled?
Yes, we do see many children who think the world should revolve around their every desire, even if they want one thing one minute and another the next. This is typical for children ages 2 to 4 as they navigate their awareness of their newly discovered will.
When children ages 2 to 4 say, “no,” they mean, “I!” “I’m here! I just found out that I can assert myself, and now I have to repeatedly try out this new ‘toy’ to see how the world responds.”
This is absolutely appropriate child development. In fact, we want them to assert their will because, if they fail to do so, they may end up living people pleasing lives, which is not a good formula for healthy adulthood.
When we were kids, this was labeled the “terrible twos,” right? Many of us grew up with an authoritarian parenting style, which involves high demands and low responsiveness. This led some adults to feel that if a child defied them, the behavior was willful and should never be tolerated.
Now, let’s look at four parenting styles and their potential outcomes for children. Please note that this is not a foolproof predictor, as many children learn to overcome their parents’ approach to raising them. Some children who receive a great deal of love and support also do not end up reflecting it in their adult lives. Please view this writing as a general offering of insight, not something etched in stone.
Authoritarian style
Studies of child development suggest that authoritarian parenting can be associated with children becoming more unmotivated, withdrawn, shy, hostile, or apathetic. This is not exactly a formula we want for our kids.
Why might these outcomes occur as a result of authoritarianism? Because this approach can involve parenting from fear and a need to control instead of love and support. Unmotivated, withdrawn, shy, and apathetic children may be fearful of their parents’ responses to their behavior, so they withdraw to avoid those responses.
Hostile behavior may reflect resistance rather than submission. In other words, deep down, these children may feel that they have a right to assert themselves, so they do it in a way that has been demonstrated to them, matching the fear and need for control they have experienced. Is this starting to make sense?
Neglectful or uninvolved style
Let’s look at the next parenting style, neglectful or uninvolved, characterized by low demands and low responsiveness. This approach can be associated with children becoming adults who are unmotivated, socially less competent, detached, indifferent, destructive, or self-effacing.
Why? Because they may have learned that their personal wellbeing has little value. They may become detached and indifferent, making little effort to achieve success in relationships because they never experienced a warm, supportive relationship. If they have not experienced one, there is no road map for recreating it as they grow.
Social difficulties, which can come from a lack of connected communication, are a possible outcome when someone is raised by neglectful parents. Destructive behaviors may indicate a lack of concern for others, which can develop when a child has not experienced this concern from their parents. Self-effacement can also occur when you have not been taught to recognize your worth.
Permissive or indulgent style
Permissive or indulgent parenting, which is characterized by low demands and high responsiveness, can contribute to social competence focused on getting what one wants, as in, “I know how to get what I want”, self centeredness, as in, “I have been treated as very special, so this is the framework for my life”, impulsivity, as in, “I want what I want right now”, dependence, as in, “Other people are responsible for my happiness”, immaturity, as in, “I don’t need to be a grown up”, and a lack of discipline, as in, “I don’t have to accept responsibility for my actions because I’m so special.”
Authoritative style
Authoritative parenting, sometimes described as a collaborative approach, is characterized by high demands and high responsiveness. Research shows that it is associated with children who grow up to be motivated, self-assertive, independent, and competent.
They may think, “Since my parents trust and believe in me, I feel like I can do what needs to be done.” They may also become friendly and cooperative, thinking, “I see the world in a positive light. I am not threatened by others, and I can work together with them.”
This is where I encourage my coaching clients to land, as this style is associated with positive outcomes in adulthood. I help parents see that being curious about their children, including them in decision-making, tapping into their strengths, and showing heartfelt appreciation for their positive actions are key to helping raise happy and fulfilled young people.
Conclusion and how to contact me
These days, I say to my clients, “We know more now.” Many of us adults were primarily raised with the message, “Do as I say, or there will be consequences.” Studies now indicate that collaboration, inclusion, and support can help create a positive path toward successful adulthood.
If you want to join the revolution of adults who recognize what children need emotionally and work toward better behavior using love instead of fear, click here. For parent coaching, presentations, or parent coach training, email me here. For more information on this topic, click here.
Read more from Tina Feigal, M.S., Ed.
Tina Feigal, M.S., Ed., Parent Coach
Tina Feigal, M.S., Ed. works with parents of children of all ages, specializing in, but not exclusive to, child losses and trauma (foster care, adoption, reunification). Tina sees the parents' power to heal their children's hearts in a way that they often miss. She offers tried-and-true ways of connecting with children of all ages to create emotional safety, the key to better relationships and behaviors. She uses a non-judgmental approach, understanding that every parent carries "how I was raised" as their model, often with unsatisfactory results. She helps parents get what they truly want from their parenting experience, peace of mind!
