Are They a Soulmate or a Wound Mate and Is There Really a Difference?
Written by Guy Van de Putte, Spiritual Guide & Mentor
Guy Van de Putte works as a guide for those looking for help navigating life's challenges or finding themselves at a crossroads. Blending shamanism, breathwork and constellation therapy with the non-dual and yogic traditions, he has a wide toolkit to support the power of presence and the healing words to accommodate lasting change.
Have you ever wondered why your relationships never seem to work out the way you intended? How is it that you always choose the same type of partner, although in a different form? And why are the same patterns being repeated over and over again, like a broken record?
We’ve all grown up with Walt Disney, gone on to Hollywood, and maybe even later on to New Age spirituality, reading about soulmates and twin flames. All promised us a certain kind of romance, which seems impossible to find in the real world. I sometimes jokingly tell my clients there’s a reason those fairytales end with the wedding. Nobody would want to see the sequel where an alcoholic prince and a sleep deprived princess yell at each other while trying to feed three toddlers in a messy house with dishes and laundry piled in every corner. Of course, they would get a little more help than you and me, but I think you get the picture.
Somehow, that lightning bolt, that love at first sight, that deep inner knowing that you met the person you’re going to grow old with, never really worked out. Maybe you started thinking that there is no one out there for you. Or that a long lasting, unconditional love affair just isn’t meant for you in this lifetime. That you lack the skills to make it work, or that you’ll never find the One and isn’t that what we’ve been brought up to believe? There’s this special person out there who will make you complete, and your goal in life is to find them, amidst eight billion people worldwide. The odds of winning the lottery almost sound favorable when put this way.
But what if we got it all wrong? What if it isn’t the duty of a partner to make us whole or to heal us? To make life worthwhile or to give us the reassurance we’re worthy of love? What if all those “wrong” partners were actually the perfect partners for us at that moment in our lives? What if their purpose was to trigger our wounds and to be a catalyst for great inner change and transformation? What if it was perfect all along? It might be hard to wrap our heads around this idea, it might even seem a bit too far fetched, but if you’ve read this far, hear me out.
Despite the infatuation, despite the resonance and deep love we can feel, two unhealed people are actually, on a subconscious level, attracted to each other's childhood wounds. Even leading psychologists like Dr. Gabor Maté will tell you that. We look for what feels familiar. If you grew up with a narcissistic parent, chances are you’ll attract a similar partner later on in life. That is actually only a problem to the mind because of the false expectations we have of a partner and a relationship. Every single soul you will encounter in this lifetime is there for a reason. All of them are there to help you in one way or another. Even if it doesn’t always feel like that. Life makes no mistakes. Just look at any ecosystem out there. Even the smallest, most insignificant bug or bacteria has its part to play in the whole.
In the same way, you have agreed to meet every significant connection you’ve ever had. All of them have brought you a present, it’s up to you to unwrap it. They act as a mirror, reflecting to you what you truly believe about yourself and your worth. Because that is, in fact, the purpose of all our relationships, whatever form they may take. Our intimate relationships have the biggest impact on us and are where we can easily get lost. It is where we open up and trust the most, where we could or should be our most authentic selves, and where we are the most vulnerable. When that trust is broken, we can turn inward, close our hearts, and swear we’ll never let anyone come that close ever again.
The difference between a soulmate and a wound mate is more a personal label we attribute to the relationship based on how it’s going. When the relationship has ended, we’ll call our ex a wound mate, but as long as it was relatively smooth sailing, we couldn’t stop telling everyone we found our soulmate. The greatest act of love a soulmate can give you is to be the cause of so much pain that you’re left with no other option than to heal yourself. So you can be free. Free from the lies you have been telling yourself your entire life. Free from the limiting beliefs holding you back from being truly happy and living your most authentic life.
If both partners are open to the idea and more committed to their path of healing than to being right, your wound mate could become a lifelong partner. But remember that it was never about that. Your life’s purpose is not about a partner to grow old with, to reassure you there’s nothing wrong with you, and that you’re lovable. You have to be able to give that to yourself first by healing that wounded part of you, always on the lookout for someone to complete it. It’s about healing yourself through what the other person is reflecting to you. Then you’ll find out it was actually never about them, but about you all along. The labels can be dropped, and all that’s left is gratitude for the key they provided to you, the key to open up a door to a new reality, where there is no pain and the wounds from the past can finally be healed.
If you feel like I’ve been speaking to you and you would like to explore your own relationship dynamics and childhood wounds, please reach out to me. I can’t do the work for you, but I can walk beside you and help light the way forward.
Read more from Guy Van de Putte
Guy Van de Putte, Spiritual Guide & Mentor
Guy Van de Putte works as a guide for all those looking for help navigating life's challenges or finding themselves at a crossroads. His passion is helping people who are ready to wake up go beyond the stories and patterns that unconsciously run their lives. Thereby helping them to debunk the lies they told themselves, that are at the root of all the drama in their life, and take back the power over their own lives. So the old wounds from the past can be permanently healed and a new life of true freedom can emerge out of that. A fulfilled life in service of and in harmony with their true calling.
