The Authentic Self in Hiding – Why Trauma Buries Who You Really Are The Question That Changed Everything
- Brainz Magazine
- Jan 12
- 10 min read
Written by Tracy Ann Messore, Integrative Coach
Tracy Messore is well-known when it comes to trauma recovery and nervous system healing. She is a bachelor's-prepared registered nurse, certified trauma coach, and the founder of Integrative Coaching. Through her specialized courses and integrative approach, Tracy guides trauma survivors to heal and reclaim their authentic identities.
“Who are you when you're not surviving?" A simple post on social media stopped me dead in my tracks. I tried to formulate an answer, to no one but myself, and realized I had no idea. I could tell you who I had become, hypervigilant, people-pleasing, perfectionistic, always scanning for danger, always trying to keep everyone else calm. I could list my roles, nurse, survivor, caregiver, the strong one everyone leaned on. But who was I underneath all of that? What did I actually enjoy? What did I believe when I wasn't worrying about what everyone else thought? What did I want when I wasn't focused on just getting through the day?
I genuinely didn't know who I was. That version of me, the authentic me, had been buried so deep under layers of survival strategies that I couldn't remember what she looked like.
If you've experienced trauma, you might recognize this feeling. That nagging sense that you're living someone else's life. That you're going through the motions but not really present. That somewhere along the way, you lost touch with who you really are, and you're not even sure when it happened or how to find your way back.
Why trauma buries your authentic self
In my previous article, I explained how trauma gets stored in your nervous system, keeping you stuck in survival mode long after the danger has passed. But there's another layer to this that's equally important, trauma doesn't just dysregulate your nervous system, it teaches you that being yourself is dangerous.
As a registered nurse who has worked with trauma survivors across multiple settings, from psychiatric units with adolescents to hospice care with the elderly, I've witnessed this pattern countless times. And as someone who endured nearly two decades of abuse, I've lived it.
The survival adaptation
When you experience trauma, especially ongoing trauma your brain does something brilliant, it adapts. It learns what keeps you safe (or at least, what keeps you safest in an unsafe situation) and what puts you at risk.
If showing your anger made your abuser escalate, you learned to suppress your anger, maybe even to the point where you stopped feeling it altogether. If crying made you vulnerable to more harm, you learned to shut down your tears. If expressing your needs resulted in punishment or abandonment, you learned to hide your needs, or convince yourself you didn't have any.
If being your authentic self, with your preferences, your boundaries, your feelings, your voice, resulted in rejection, punishment, criticism, or danger, your nervous system made a logical calculation, being yourself is not safe. Survival requires becoming someone else.
This isn't a conscious decision. It's an adaptive response that happens automatically, orchestrated by the same nervous system we discussed in my previous article. Your brain's primary job is to keep you alive, and if being yourself threatens your survival (or feels like it does), your brain will find ways to help you become whoever you need to be to stay safe.
The mask you didn't know you were wearing
What does this look like in practice? It looks like:
The chameleon: You become whoever the people around you need you to be. You're easygoing with one friend, intellectual with another, fun-loving with a third. You shift and adapt so seamlessly that you've lost track of who you actually are when no one's watching.
The people-pleaser: Your automatic response to any request is "yes," even when you want to say no. You prioritize everyone else's comfort, needs, and preferences over your own, not because you're naturally selfless, but because your nervous system learned that other people's displeasure equals danger.
The perfectionist: You hold yourself to impossible standards because you learned that mistakes resulted in criticism, rejection, or worse. Being "good enough" never felt safe, so you became someone who never makes mistakes, or at least, someone who works tirelessly to appear that way.
The small one: You learned to take up as little space as possible. You make yourself quiet, agreeable, undemanding. You minimize your needs, downplay your accomplishments, and apologize for existing. You became someone who doesn't make waves because waves weren't safe.
The strong one: You became the person everyone can count on, the one who never falls apart, the one who can handle anything. You learned that showing vulnerability, asking for help, or admitting struggle resulted in abandonment or judgment, so you became invulnerable, at least on the outside.
The numb one: You disconnected from your feelings entirely because feelings were overwhelming, unsafe, or used against you. You became someone who "doesn't get emotional" or "doesn't feel things deeply", not because that's who you are, but because your nervous system shut down your emotional system to protect you.
These aren't personality traits, these are survival adaptations. These are nervous system responses that became patterns. They're survival strategies that worked so well they became your identity.
The cost of hiding
Here's what I learned the hard way, both as a trauma survivor and as someone who now guides others through healing, those survival strategies that protected you in the past exact a heavy cost in the present.
When you spend years becoming whoever you need to be to stay safe, you lose touch with:
What you actually enjoy vs. what you do because you "should"
What you believe vs. what you were taught to believe
What you want vs. what others want from you
What you feel vs. what you think you're supposed to feel
Who you are vs. who you've had to become
Chronic disconnection
You might feel like you're watching your life happen rather than living it. Like you're an actor playing a role rather than a person having an authentic experience. This disconnection isn't just philosophical, it's physiological. Remember that dorsal vagal shutdown state I described in my previous article? That's often what this feels like in your body.
Relationship struggles
When you don't know who you are, how can anyone else truly know you? You might find yourself in relationships where:
You feel lonely even when you're with people
Others say they feel like they don't really know you
You attract people who want the mask version of you, not the real version
You feel like if people knew the "real you," they'd leave you.
Physical and mental health impact
The energy required to maintain these protective masks is exhausting. Many of my clients come to me with:
Chronic fatigue that has no medical explanation
Depression that doesn't respond fully to medication
Anxiety that seems to have no specific trigger
Physical symptoms like tension, pain, digestive issues, or insomnia
These aren't separate issues, they're your body's response to the chronic stress of living in hiding from yourself.
The success that feels empty
Here's something I hear often from successful trauma survivors, "I've accomplished everything I set out to do, but I feel nothing." They have the career, the relationship, the life they thought they wanted, but it doesn't feel fulfilling because they built it based on who they thought they should be, not who they actually are.
Where did your authentic self go?
The good news, and this is crucial, is that your authentic self didn't disappear. It went into hiding, but it's still there.
Think of it like this, imagine you're in your house and someone breaks in. Your immediate response might be to hide, in a closet, under a bed, wherever feels safest. That's smart. That's survival. But once the intruder leaves, you don't stay in the closet forever. You come out. You reclaim your space.
Your authentic self did the same thing. When being yourself felt dangerous, it went into hiding. The problem is, your nervous system, stuck in survival mode, never got the message that it's safe to come out. Your authentic self has been waiting in the closet all this time, and your job in healing is to let it know, the danger has passed. It's safe to emerge.
The clues your authentic self leaves
Even when your authentic self is in deep hiding, it leaves clues:
Moments of resonance: Those rare moments when something feels deeply right, a conversation, an activity, a place, a person. You feel more alive, more present, more like yourself. These are breadcrumbs leading back to who you really are.
Persistent longings: That thing you keep thinking about but dismissing as impractical or silly. That dream you had before life taught you to be "realistic." That interest you've never pursued because you were told it was “stupid”. This is your authentic self trying to get your attention.
Physical responses: Your body knows the truth even when your mind is confused. Notice what makes your body relax vs. what makes it tense. What brings energy vs. what depletes you. Your nervous system is giving you information about what's authentically you vs. what's a survival adaptation.
Anger and resentment: When you feel bitter, resentful, or inexplicably angry, it's often because you're betraying yourself. You're saying yes when you mean no. You're tolerating what shouldn't be tolerated. You're being who you think you should be instead of who you are. That anger is your authentic self protesting.
The "Supposed to" red flag: Listen for this phrase: "I'm supposed to..." If you find yourself doing things because you're "supposed to," that's a clue you're operating from survival adaptation rather than authentic choice.
The rediscovery process
As someone who has walked this path and now guides others through it, I can tell you, rediscovering your authentic self isn't about becoming someone new. It's about remembering who you were before trauma taught you that being yourself wasn't safe.
This process requires three essential elements:
1. Nervous system healing
You cannot rediscover your authentic self while your nervous system is stuck in survival mode. This is why I always start with nervous system regulation work, the foundation I described in my previous article about understanding polyvagal theory and somatic healing.
When your nervous system feels safe, your authentic self has space to emerge. When you're stuck in fight-or-flight or freeze, all your energy goes to survival, there's nothing left for self-discovery or authentic expression.
2. Getting curious instead of critical
For years, you've probably been critical of yourself, judging your choices, questioning your feelings, criticizing your reactions. This criticism is often an internalized version of the judgment you received during trauma.
Rediscovering your authentic self requires replacing criticism with curiosity:
Instead of "Why am I so messed up?" try "What is my nervous system trying to protect me from?"
Instead of "I should be over this by now," try "What do I need to feel safe enough to heal?"
Instead of "What's wrong with me?" try "What happened to me, and how did I adapt?"
3. Permission to experiment
Your authentic self emerges through experimentation, not through thinking about it. You have to actually try things, explore, test boundaries, make mistakes.
This might look like:
Saying no when you want to say no (even if it feels terrifying)
Pursuing an interest just because it sounds fun (even if it's not "productive")
Expressing an opinion that differs from others (even if it creates discomfort)
Setting a boundary (even if people don't like it)
Taking up space (even if you were taught to stay small)
Each time you do this, you're sending your nervous system a message, "It's safe to be me now."
What I discovered about myself
When I began this journey, I thought I knew who I was. Turns out, I knew who I had become to survive, but that wasn't the same thing.
As my nervous system healed and I gave myself permission to explore, I discovered:
I'm not actually an extrovert who loves being around people constantly, I'm an introvert who had learned to perform extroversion to feel safe
I don't actually enjoy saying yes to everything, I had just been too afraid to say no
I'm not naturally selfless, I had just learned that my needs didn't matter
I'm not someone who "doesn't get angry", I had just disconnected from my anger because it wasn't safe to feel it
I'm not the person who has to fix everyone's problems, I had just learned that being needed was the only way to be valued
These discoveries weren't comfortable. Some of them disrupted relationships. Some of them challenged my entire identity. But they also set me free.
Your authentic self is worth finding
In my work with trauma survivors through my integrative coaching practice, I've witnessed people go through this process of rediscovery. I've seen the moment when someone's face lights up because they just did something that felt genuinely true to who they are. I've watched people grieve the years they spent in hiding. I've celebrated with them when they finally give themselves permission to be themselves, fully and unapologetically.
This work isn't easy. Rediscovering your authentic self means:
Dismantling survival strategies that kept you safe
Tolerating discomfort and uncertainty
Disappointing people who prefer the masked version of you
Feeling vulnerable in ways you've spent years avoiding
Grieving the time you lost being someone you weren't
But I can tell you from both personal and professional experience, it's worth it. Living as yourself, messy, imperfect, authentic, is infinitely more satisfying than living as a polished version of who you think you should be.
Your authentic self has been waiting. Your nervous system kept it safe in hiding until it was safe enough to emerge. Now, with the right support and tools, you can create that safety. You can send the message to that hidden part of yourself, "You can come out now. It's safe to be you."
The path forward
In my next article, we'll explore how to apply this understanding to one of the most challenging contexts, parenting. Because when you're a parent with a trauma history, you're not just trying to rediscover your own authentic self, you're also trying to break generational cycles and create space for your children's authentic selves to thrive.
We'll look at what happens when you try to parent while your nervous system is stuck in survival mode, and how to create safety for both yourself and your children.
Until then, I invite you to notice, where in your life are you being authentically yourself? And where are you wearing a mask that once protected you but now just keeps you hidden? The answer to that question is the beginning of your journey home to yourself.
Note: This article presents these concepts through the lens of the author's nursing training, personal healing journey, and professional coaching practice. The explanations and applications are the author's own interpretations designed to make complex concepts accessible to trauma survivors.
Read more from Tracy Ann Messore
Tracy Ann Messore, Integrative Coach
Tracy Messore is well-known when it comes to trauma recovery and nervous system healing. She is a bachelor's-prepared registered nurse, certified trauma coach, and the founder of Integrative Coaching. After enduring decades of generational trauma and abuse, Tracy transformed her pain into purpose by combining her nursing expertise with somatic body-based healing and polyvagal theory to help trauma survivors break free from survival mode and rediscover their authentic selves. Through her specialized courses and integrative approach, which addresses the mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual dimensions of healing, Tracy guides people through processing stored trauma, regulating their nervous systems, and breaking generational cycles.
References and further reading:
The concepts in this article are informed by research on trauma, identity, and self-concept:
Trauma and Self-Fragmentation:** van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books.
Adaptive Survival Responses:** Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence–From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. Basic Books.
Internal Family Systems and Parts Work:** Schwartz, R. C. (1995). Internal Family Systems Therapy. The Guilford Press.
The False Self Concept:** Winnicott, D. W. (1960). "Ego Distortion in Terms of True and False Self." In The Maturational Process and the Facilitating Environment. International Universities Press.
