Why Settlement Can Feel Impossible When Divorcing a Narcissist
- Mar 4
- 8 min read
Carlie Spencer is a family law attorney and founder of Strive Law Firm, where she helps clients navigate prenups, divorce, and beyond. Known as The Prenup Girl, she authored The Prenup Girl’s Guide to a Successful Marriage, offering a fun yet practical approach to financial planning before marriage.
Divorce negotiations are rarely about just custody schedules, retirement accounts, or who keeps the house. On paper, they are financial equations and parenting frameworks. In reality, they are emotional negotiations between two people who could not make their marriage work and now must somehow untangle their lives. After years of representing clients in settlement negotiations and mediation, I have learned something that law school never taught me: the law sets the parameters, but personality often determines the outcome, especially when it comes to divorce settlements.
Typically, I am able to predict within the first few exchanges whether we are heading toward resolution or toward a courtroom battle that could have been avoided with reasonableness. If you are in the middle of a divorce that feels impossible to settle, I want you to hear this clearly: It is not always about the offer. It is often about the personality sitting across the table. And a settlement becomes immediately and exponentially more complicated when you have a narcissistic personality type.
Before reading on, please note that I am a family lawyer, not a psychologist. I do not diagnose people as narcissists. But I do recognize the behaviors, patterns, and personality traits that are associated with narcissists. So, even absent a diagnosis (which, let’s be real, narcissists rarely have), I know how to spot the personality type. This article is written purely from my own experience with both diagnosed narcissists and those who simply exhibit the characteristics.
The psychology behind settlement negotiations
When both spouses are represented by counsel, negotiations typically begin through attorneys. Proposals are exchanged. Assets are valued. Parenting schedules are drafted. On the surface, it is structured and professional. When both parties are relatively regulated and realistic, settlement can happen efficiently. But when a strong personality enters the room, logic can disappear quickly.
One of the most difficult personality types to negotiate with is what I call the Blustery Narcissist. This is the individual who genuinely believes their own version of events. They are not pretending. They are convinced they are right. They overestimate their legal position. They interpret compromise as weakness. They reject reasonable proposals not because the numbers are unfair, but because conceding a point feels like losing. These individuals often tell their attorneys they are “ready for trial” with a tone of pride, as though litigation is a sport rather than a financial and emotional risk. In these cases, negotiations stall because ego becomes more important than outcome. And if you are married to someone like this, you may feel constantly gaslit as though you are the unreasonable one for simply asking for something equitable. You are not. You are likely negotiating with someone who equates dominance with victory. The Blustery Narcissist is extremely hard to combat because they will not listen to reason and they are not afraid of being exposed in court, because they are always right or always the victim. Just last week, I came across this exact type and had the second-ever failed mediation of my career. My client was flexible over and over again, and finally, the Blustery Narcissist opposing party started throwing jabs at the mediator and questioning his legal knowledge, and then shut down the entire mediation with a smart-alec response. It was devastating, considering the offer on the table was beyond reasonable, and now we all already wasted an entire day and have to go to court.
Then there is a more subtle version of narcissism: the Shape-Shifting Narcissist. This personality is polished, composed, and socially impressive. They care deeply about how they are perceived by colleagues, friends, and extended family. Unlike the blustery type, they are often highly strategic. They may present as calm and stable in mediation, but beneath that composure is a strong fear of exposure. They understand that if the case goes to trial, their private behavior could be examined publicly. Text messages could be read. Financial inconsistencies could be questioned. Parenting shortcomings could be explored under oath. Settlement becomes attractive not because they suddenly develop empathy, but because risk management matters to them. When properly advised about the unpredictability of the court, these cases often resolve quietly. If you are divorcing this type, it can feel surreal. To the outside world, they appear gracious. Behind closed doors, you experience a different story. That disconnect is emotionally exhausting. Recognizing the strategy at play can help you detach from the performance.
Commonly, I see what is called the “I Just Want It Done” Spouse. This person is depleted. They are not focused on winning, they are focused on surviving and moving forward. They are often willing to compromise simply to regain peace. When both parties share this mindset, settlement can happen swiftly and with surprising dignity. However, when paired with a narcissistic or high-conflict partner, this personality is vulnerable. The desire for closure can lead to over-concession. This is where experienced counsel becomes essential. Wanting peace is healthy, giving away your financial stability to buy that peace is not. This type is very difficult for me to have as a client, because I am a fierce advocate. At a minimum, I want all my clients to get what they deserve under the law without factoring in any mistreatment or bad behavior. Many times, this type has been mistreated, and I feel they are owed more than the bare minimum the law accounts for. However, this type often tells me that they value being done over getting what they deserve. I make sure to share the pros and cons, so they make the decision with eyes wide open of the better outcome possible in court, but ultimately, it is their decision. I have reluctantly offered and accepted many deals I believe are far less than a client deserved.
There is also the Spreadsheet Strategist. They are the individual who approaches divorce like a business transaction. They are analytical. They want valuations, tax projections, and long-term financial modeling. Emotion exists, but it is secondary to data. These cases tend to resolve efficiently because numbers are persuasive. If you show them the cost of trial versus the cost of settlement, they listen. As a lawyer with a degree in Applied Mathematics, I typically enjoy this type of client and opposing party. They are logical. This works really well in settlement scenarios, depending on the other spouse’s type.
Finally, there is the High-Conflict Reactor. This personality experiences everything intensely and immediately. Every proposal feels like an insult. Every delay feels intentional. Negotiations with this type can unravel quickly because emotional escalation overrides strategic thinking. These cases require structured communication and often slower pacing. Without containment, negotiations collapse under volatility.
What determines whether negotiations succeed is not just fairness, it is emotional capacity. Settlement requires two people who can tolerate compromise. When one person cannot, litigation becomes the default.
When negotiations collapse: What really happens in mediation
When attorney-to-attorney negotiations fail, we move to mediation. Both parties remain represented, for purposes of this article and my experience. The mediator is typically a seasoned family law attorney, again, in my experience and for purposes of this article. Both spouses are placed in separate rooms with their respective attorneys. The environment is more controlled, but the psychology becomes even more visible.
The Blustery Narcissist often enters mediation prepared to perform. They repeat their narrative confidently. They may posture about being ready for trial. But mediation introduces something new: a neutral legal authority explaining reality. A skilled mediator calmly outlines how a judge is likely to view the case. They discuss risk. They explain uncertainty. For some narcissistic personalities, this is the first time their narrative meets an external boundary. If the mediator is strong and experienced, cracks begin to show. If theatrics are allowed to dominate, mediation fails. The success of these mediations often hinges on the mediator’s ability to contain ego without inflaming it.
The Image-Conscious Narcissist tends to fare differently. Mediation is private. There is no courtroom audience. No transcript. No public testimony. The confidentiality of mediation can feel like a safe exit. Once the risks of exposure are clearly explained, settlement often becomes appealing. These mediations frequently result in carefully structured agreements that allow both parties to leave with their dignity intact, at least publicly. A reminder of the evidence available to share with a judge in open court can often seal the deal.
The “I Just Want It Done” personality often finds relief in mediation. The structured environment feels safer than direct negotiation. They appreciate the opportunity to resolve everything in one day. However, if paired with a high-conflict personality, they may feel drained by the end of the process. A good attorney protects them from fatigue-based decision-making.
The High-Conflict Reactor can make mediation challenging. If emotional volatility takes over, progress slows. These mediations sometimes require multiple sessions or creative structuring. In some cases, litigation becomes unavoidable.
There is one additional dynamic that deserves mention, the self-represented narcissistic personality who refuses to hire counsel. I see this more often than people realize. They believe they understand the law because they have read a statute online or watched courtroom dramas. They decline reasonable settlement proposals out of pride. Court day arrives. I always attempt one final negotiation before stepping into the courtroom, because trial is expensive and unpredictable. One of two outcomes commonly unfolds. Either they refuse to settle until the case is called before the judge and suddenly attempt to negotiate at the eleventh hour, or they begin trial confidently and quickly realize courtroom procedure is not entertainment. Objections are sustained. Evidence rules apply. Judges expect structure. I have watched overconfidence dissolve within minutes when faced with accountability. Every single time (and I am not exaggerating), the type that blunders forward with confidence into the trial throws a literal tantrum when the judge announces they have lost, and exclaims, “Because you didn’t let me show my evidence!” And in ongoing cases, it is common for these individuals to retain counsel shortly afterward. Reality eventually interrupts ego.
What I want readers to understand is this: most divorce settlements do not fail because the law is too complicated. They fail because personality interferes with compromise. Divorce settlement strategy is psychological as much as it is legal. Some personalities respond to logic. Some respond to risk. Some respond to exposure. Some respond only to judicial authority. If you are sitting across from someone who refuses to bend, who must dominate, or who thrives on conflict, your frustration is valid. You are not failing at negotiation. You may be negotiating with someone whose personality cannot tolerate compromise.
Negotiation is where emotional maturity meets financial reality. Mediation is where ego meets structure. The court is where illusion meets consequence. Understanding that dynamic changes how you approach the process. It allows you to stop internalizing their resistance as your inadequacy. Sometimes the barrier is not the proposal. It is the personality behind it. And once you see that clearly, you can stop trying to reason with ego and start building a strategy around it.
Read more from Carlie Spencer
Carlie Spencer, Law Attorney, Author & Advocate
Dedicated to empowering individuals with the knowledge to make confident legal and financial decisions, Carlie has built a career at the intersection of family law and education. As the founder of Strive Law Firm, she provides personalized legal solutions for individuals facing major life transitions, from prenuptial agreements to divorce settlements and litigation. Beyond her firm, Carlie is passionate about legal education and mentorship. She serves as a supervising attorney for Campbell Law School’s Pro Bono Family Law Clinic, where she guides law students in providing critical legal services to underserved communities. Through this work, she is helping shape the next generation of family law attorneys while expanding access to justice.
