Why Perfectionism is Harmful for Families and How to Break the Cycle
- Brainz Magazine
- 3 days ago
- 7 min read
Arleen Tyndall spent 25 years as a trauma-informed clinical HIV pharmacist, now turned Conscious Parenting Coach trained by Oprah's favorite parenting expert, Dr.Shefali. A global speaker and co-author of the number 1 international bestseller The Perfectly Imperfect Family, she guides mothers to break generational patterns and heal family connections.
I wanted a happy family, the perfect, loving kind I had wished for as a child. Instead, I struggled as a parent, feeling alone and isolated. I found myself overwhelmed with anger, sadness, and resentment. Why was this so hard? What was I doing wrong?
Becoming a mother was a deliberate choice, having to use IVF to get pregnant. The process was drawn out and intentional. As a clinical HIV pharmacist, I leaned on my research skills and studious personality to prepare for the conception, arrival, and care of a child. What I wasn’t prepared for was how my perfectionism became the undoing of the happy family I had dreamt of.
What is perfectionism?
“Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.” – Brené Brown
Why does perfectionism lead to burnout?
I believed that happiness was achievable by doing everything perfectly, a belief reinforced by watching TV as a child in the 80s. Today’s social media is television on steroids, creating extra pressure to be “perfect” with curated posts of society’s success stories. As if a mother’s own upbringing in a colonial and patriarchal environment weren’t enough, social media posts by women aimed at women stimulate comparison anxiety, affecting maternal mental health by spreading intense ideologies on how to be a mother.[1]
Fathers don’t seem to absorb this societal pressure for perfection in their parenting role. A gender difference between mothers and fathers has been shown, women take on perfectionism more than men.[2]
Perfectionism leads to increased risk of parental burnout, stress, and maternal gatekeeping, which I fully engaged in.[3] Believing that I had higher standards for childcare than my husband led me to not trust him. I would take control of most parenting or household responsibilities because it seemed easier to just do it myself rather than try to teach him how to “do it right.” Naturally, this led to exhaustion and resentment.
Years went by as I juggled a pharmacy career, motherhood, a marriage, household logistics, and social activities. I showed up at work smiling and happy, never showing signs of unraveling behind a mask of competence and productivity. Working at the hospital during COVID, with a husband hospitalized for almost a month after a mountain biking accident, we sold our home, planning to move overseas the next year. Overwhelmed with stress and anxiety, each day I walked on eggshells, fearful of another family blowup triggered by our son’s challenging behavior. This problem became the misdirected focus of my fixing.
How does perfectionism negatively affect family relationships?
Born with sensitive nervous systems, children attach to a parent for survival as they learn from their surroundings, absorbing our energy and watching how we cope, or don’t.
The 2024 U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Mental Health and Well-Being of Parents, entitled Parents Under Pressure,[4] reported a direct link between the mental health of children and that of their parents. Parental stress can increase behavioral problems in kids, which in turn increases parental stress, this exhausting cycle feeding itself.[5]
My urgent need for self-awareness arose when my child mirrored back my pain with his aggressive behaviors. My son became my awakener. I was now the adult who had to break the cycle.
Perfectionism shows up as a wedge in the closest relationships we have with our children and partners. I share my personal examples that disconnected me from my loved ones. While trying to do everything right, I made everyone else feel wrong.
Being highly critical: Rooted in self-criticism, I was always scanning for mistakes and constantly finding or giving unsolicited solutions to “fix” their problems. This fed an idea that they were never good enough, broken, or wrong.
All-or-nothing thinking: Searching for the “best” of anything, hotels, restaurants, recipes, purchases, directions, methods, because nothing is “good enough” otherwise.
Fear of failure: I perceived making mistakes as a form of failing, which sparked my inner shame. This led to an inability to apologize because making a mistake and taking accountability meant admitting failure. I then fought to always be right.
Seeking validation: Overpleasing, overworking, overindulging, constantly meeting the needs of others, most often unconsciously, seeking their approval and validation, even from my child. This short-term dopamine hit creates a never-ending cycle leading to burnout and resentment. Thoughts arose like, Why do I have to do everything? Why doesn’t anyone appreciate all I do? Why is no one taking care of me?
This negative internal dialogue became the greatest sign that the relationship most affected was the one I had with myself. With feelings of inadequacy as a mother and the inability to emotionally self-regulate, I spiralled when triggered by my son, adding more weight to my shame. This cycle between never feeling good enough and striving for perfection has been shown to negatively affect the emotional and mental health of women, especially in early motherhood.[6]
How did we learn to become perfectionists?
From a young age, I remember the positive feelings that arose within me when my math answers were all correct, achieving A+ grades on my report card. I felt smart and empowered. I was finally seen, my worth validated through the teacher’s approving nods as she handed out test results and the proud smile of my father when I brought them home. Getting everything right then became my internal compass.
This was in stark contrast to the daily feelings of powerlessness and shame when my mother’s biting words, spanking hands, and explosive anger flew like shrapnel at the drop of a plate, a vomiting accident, or an unfinished meal.
An only child for nine years, with my father always at work providing for the immigrant family’s suburban dream life, I was the focus of my mother’s triggered pain. Conflict-avoidant and emotionally unavailable, my father’s absence left me feeling abandoned and helpless. Unable to make sense of my mother’s unpredictable rage and lack of affection, like any child, I blamed myself for being bad and therefore unlovable. I silently carried this story into adulthood.
Vowing never to become my mother, I believed that being “perfect” and not hitting my son was the answer. What I missed seeing was my own version of triggered pain that mirrored what I witnessed growing up, unpredictable and instantaneous reactions of yelling, shaming, and guilting when there was a mess or non-compliance. I had learned it from my mother and was now passing it on to my son. His rage and aggression were mirrored back to me as he perceived that making mistakes made him less worthy of my love.
Releasing the illusion of perfect
At 52, I am finally releasing my perfectionism. Why does it take aging to finally bring us acceptance and self-compassion? Perhaps it’s the accumulation of experiences over time from which lessons arise, teaching us to look inward rather than outside ourselves, where we have no control.
One such transformative experience was my sabbatical year in Bali, Indonesia, where my self-understanding began to grow. Removed from the daily grind of a pharmacy career rooted in perfectionism and the social matrix of being busy, opportunities for stillness arose. Eastern spiritual practices like meditation, breathwork, and sound healing are abundant in Bali. My unseeing eyes never saw their deeper benefits in the yoga studios of Canada.
Exposed to new ways of thinking and being through people I met in the community, my journey of self-discovery could not have happened without others. When I stood at The Bridge, the Green School’s parent hub, presenting on “Why Trauma-Informed Care Matters,” my unexpected tears brought forth mothers who accepted me by sharing the secrets of their own healing journeys. The transformative connections I made did not arise because of my pharmacist-perfected PowerPoint presentation with brain-filling knowledge. It was my imperfect authenticity and vulnerability that spoke to their hearts.
Initiating a Trauma-Informed Parenting movement, later renamed for greater appeal as Conscious Parenting, along with Dr. Shefali’s founding principles, I facilitated collective growth through sharing my difficult experiences. Releasing the shame I once felt and accepting myself can be seen as an antidote to perfectionism.[7] Since childhood, I carried the fear of imperfection, believing it to be evidence of being defective and unlovable. As an adult, I am learning self-compassion to embrace my perfectly imperfect self, understanding that mistakes are part of our human experience, allowing for positive personal growth.[8]
After 25 years, I finally left my pharmacy career to train with Dr. Shefali to become a certified Conscious Parenting and Life Coach. This was the manifestation of my passion to help break generational patterns and support mothers in their own healing journeys. Returning to Bali to expand in the mind-body-spirit practice of Somatic Alignment, my guidance helps shift a mother’s constant doing to being. By advocating for our children to grow unhindered by our emotional baggage, future generations can see through eyes of love instead of fear, if we model how.
Find me here, where you can request a copy of the number one International Bestselling Book, The Perfectly Imperfect Family, and read my chapter, Chapter 14, A Mirror of Inherited Pain, describing the moment with my son that broke me open. I offer individual and group coaching sessions or workshops, both in person and online, not only for parents but also for educators and health professionals. Testimonials are available on my website, affirming the positive transformations parents have made in their families, because as one father wrote, “Once you know, you can’t unknow.”
Read more from Arleen Tyndall
Arleen Tyndall, Conscious Parenting & Life Coach
Arleen Tyndall served marginalized communities challenged by addictions for 25 years as a trauma-informed clinical HIV pharmacist. After recognizing her own struggles in motherhood with perfectionism and inherited pain, she trained with Oprah's favorite parenting expert, Dr. Shefali. Her spiritual awakening and ancestral learnings in her mother's birthplace of Bali led her to launch a Conscious Parenting movement at The Green School and train in Somatic Alignment. A co-author of the #1 international bestseller The Perfectly Imperfect Family and a global speaker, she helps mothers reconnect to themselves and see their children as awakeners through vulnerable storytelling and practical tools that nurture self-compassion.
References:
[1] Padoa, Berle & Roberts (2018), Tate (2023)
[2] Zimmermann G, Antonietti JP, Nunes CE, Van Petegem S (2024)
[3] Meeussen, Van Laar (2018)
[4] Department of Health and Human Services (US), 2024
[5] Neece, Green & Baker (2012)
[6] Saint Denny, Doba, Storme & Nandrino (2025)
[7] Greenspon (2014)
[8] Umandap & Teh (2020)
