Why is Motherhood Filled With Guilt?
Janette Klitou is a Solution-Focused Hypnotherapist and Psychotherapist exploring the fascinating connection between our thoughts, emotions, behaviours and unconscious patterns. She believes that change doesn't have to take forever, sometimes, a small shift in perspective can open the door to something completely new.
Ever felt that whatever you do as a mother, it somehow never feels quite enough? You spend the day looking after everyone, yet feel guilty for not doing more. You take a moment for yourself and feel guilty for stepping away.
I love being a mother. I see my children as a beautiful expression of the love between my husband and me, a kind of fulfilment that comes from finding your soulmate, best friend and so much more, all in one person. Your other half. I feel incredibly fortunate to have found that kind of love.
Love comes in many different forms
As a mother, you are there for your children, supporting them through every step of their journey. Naturally, the time comes when you have to learn to let go, to allow them to explore the world, make their own mistakes, fall in love and experience life for themselves.
I admit, it isn’t an easy journey. Watching your children gradually spread their wings and fly the nest can be both beautiful and heartbreaking.
So, what happens to me, or to us, as parents now?
You have a choice
You can feel lost. You can cry. You can find yourself wondering what comes next, because for so many years, life wasn’t about you. You gave so much of yourself to motherhood. Your mission was to teach, love, support and nurture these little beings, helping them grow into the people they were meant to become. You hoped to leave them with something of yourself, a legacy, and believed that you had given them the tools they needed to navigate life.
It was all you knew how to do, and you did it with love.
Now, perhaps, it’s time to give yourself permission to grieve. To grieve the passing of a chapter that meant so much to you. You had a wonderful time raising your children, and you gave it your heart and soul. So, take a moment. Put your hand on your shoulder and tell yourself, “Yes, you’ve done a good job.”
Then, perhaps, you find yourself sitting back, waiting, worrying and wondering. You want to know that they’re all right. You want to protect them from the world, from disappointment, from heartbreak. You want to make sure they’re making the right choices.
But deep down, you know you have to let go. You have to trust them enough to let them live their own lives. You have to let them take responsibility.
It isn’t easy. I know. No matter how much you tell yourself that you must let go, you will always wonder: Have I done enough? Have I prepared them for what lies ahead? Will they be all right without me?
Then, one day, you receive the reassurance you didn’t even realise you were waiting for. “Mum, trust me. Trust yourself. You know the seeds you’ve planted. You’ve given me what I need to find my own way.”
Or perhaps, quite simply, you hear the words every mother longs to hear: “Mum, you’ve done a great job raising me.”
Suddenly, something shifts
You feel proud. You breathe a little easier. You begin to realise that perhaps all those years of loving, guiding, worrying and sacrificing have given them exactly what they need: the confidence to stand on their own two feet.
Maybe, just maybe, you can begin to trust yourself, too.
You’ve spent years putting your children first. Now you can begin to ask yourself a different question: What about me? What do I want from this next chapter of my life? Because letting go of our children may also mean learning to give ourselves permission to live again. So, what would your life be like if there were no limitations?
You have a choice
You can sit around, waiting and feeling lost. You can’t help it. You feel abandoned, hurt and perhaps even a little resentful. You know how much you gave up along the way. You chose to put motherhood first, devoting so much of yourself to your children that, somewhere along the way, you may have forgotten how to be yourself.
Now, perhaps without even realising it, you’re expecting something in return. After all, you’ve given so much. Surely, you deserve something back?
You’re right. You deserve their love, their time, their presence and their attention. The list goes on.
But what happens when those expectations begin to weigh on them? Without meaning to, we can start creating resentment. We can make our children feel guilty for wanting to live their own lives, as though their independence somehow comes at our expense.
But isn’t this what nature intended? Wasn’t this our mission all along, to raise them, equip them for life and eventually let them go?
Or we can choose to see this time differently
We can see it as an opportunity to rediscover ourselves. A time to reconnect with that little girl inside us, the one who had dreams, hopes and desires long before she became a mother. Perhaps there are dreams we put aside, passions we neglected or parts of ourselves we lost along the way.
Maybe now is the time to find them again. Our love for our children will always be there. It won’t disappear simply because we give them space to live their lives. If anything, perhaps love can become lighter, freer and more accepting when we stop expecting it to look a certain way.
I once heard someone say that adult children don’t need parenting; they need friendship. I thought, Brilliant!
My adult children don’t need me to judge their choices or give my approval for every decision they make. They need me to be there, to listen, to understand and to offer a safe space where they can be themselves.
Don’t get me wrong. I still give them my unsolicited opinion! I am a mother, after all. Old habits die hard!
But I’m learning that they don’t have to listen to me. They’re entitled to their own opinions, their own decisions and their own mistakes. My perspective might offer them something to think about, or it might not change their minds at all.
That’s okay
We don’t have to agree with every choice they make to love and support them. We don’t have to understand every decision to respect their right to make it.
They have their own lives to live, on their own terms, according to their own rules. Perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give them now is the freedom to do just that.
Who am I, beyond being a mother?
What do you desire? What has shifted for you since you began reading this article? Are you excited to see what unfolds in this new chapter?
If you’re feeling lost, struggling to rediscover your sense of purpose, or simply wondering what comes next, know that you’re not alone.
Perhaps you’ve spent so many years caring for everyone else that you’ve forgotten how to care for yourself. Perhaps you’re ready for a new chapter but aren’t quite sure where to begin. This is where solution-focused hypnotherapy can help.
It can support you in finding your footing again, reconnecting with your strengths and beginning to look ahead with renewed confidence and a sense of possibility. You don’t have to have all the answers right now. Sometimes, all you need is the willingness to take that first step.
Let’s take that first step forward together. You can be a loving mother and still give yourself permission to become you again.
Read more from Janette Klitou
Janette Klitou, Hypnotherapist & Psychotherapist
Janette Klitou is a Solution-Focused Hypnotherapist and Psychotherapist, with bachelor's and master's degrees in social work. Her work explores the connection between thoughts, emotions, behaviours and unconscious patterns, with a particular interest in mental health, neuroscience, emotional wellbeing, healing and human potential. She believes that change doesn't have to take forever and that even a small shift in perspective can open the door to new possibilities. Through her therapeutic work and writing, Janette is offering practical insights and encouraging curiosity about what might become possible when we begin to see ourselves and our lives differently.
