Why Feeling Like a Fraud as a Marriage Counsellor Actually Makes Me Better at My Work
- Brainz Magazine
- 4 days ago
- 5 min read
Hendrien is an Imago Relationship Therapist and founder of Start Right, helping couples rebuild connection, communicate with compassion, and live their relationships with greater passion and purpose.
There’s a quiet expectation that lives beneath the title “marriage counsellor.” It whispers things like, you should have the perfect marriage, you should know exactly what to do, you should be the expert in relationships at all times. And sometimes, when I sit across from couples who have been married longer than I have been alive, I can feel their eyes soften into a question they’re too polite to ask, "What could she possibly know?"
For years, that question lived inside me too. It tugged at me in moments when my own relationship felt messy, human, or imperfect. It echoed when people asked for my advice and looked confused when I admitted, honestly, that I don’t always have the answers.
Even my husband, with a teasing smile, asks why I don’t always follow the very advice I give other couples. And for a long time, I wrestled with that. I didn’t want to pretend. I didn’t want to be a fraud. But I also didn’t want to chase some impossible version of perfection that no real human being can sustain.
This article is the story of how I found peace in that tension, and how embracing my humanness made me better at helping couples reconnect, soften, and become more fully themselves.
The myth of the “perfect expert”
There’s a cultural assumption that qualifications create wisdom, that degrees guarantee maturity, that experience must follow a linear timeline. But relationships don’t work in straight lines, and neither does life.
There are phases and developmental layers we all pass through. And yes, someone older may have lived through stages I haven’t reached yet. That doesn’t make their story more valid than mine, it simply makes it different. Our age or family structure doesn’t determine how deeply we can understand human connection. What determines it is how willing we are to feel, to notice, to reflect, and to grow.
Sometimes, people expect a counsellor to be the finished product. But I am also living for the first time, learning, breaking open, healing, and rediscovering myself every day. Understanding that has allowed me to stop striving for perfection and start embodying presence.
If you’re curious how this shows up in others too, I recommend reading the Brainz article on understanding the signs of imposter syndrome.
Why relationship work isn’t about being an “expert”
Every couple carries a completely unique landscape. Two individuals, both shaped by childhood, culture, trauma, adaptation, family lines, personal narratives, and unconscious patterns, and then, when you add the lens of Imago Relationship Therapy, you also see why people attract partners who mirror their early wounds and deepest longings.
This is why no counsellor can claim to be an expert on another person’s marriage. Not really.
I don’t sit with just your story. I sit with your story, your partner’s story, the stories that came before you, and the ones that will ripple out after you. It’s intertwined, layered, and beautifully complex.
Some relationships crack under the weight of family boundaries. Others bend under parenting stress, illness, financial strain, addiction, betrayal, or the silent accumulation of small hurts. And even when couples face similar challenges, they rarely experience them at the same time or in the same way.
So what makes me qualified to teach? Not perfection. Not certainty. Not expertise in the conventional sense.
But something deeper.
What I actually bring into the therapy room
I don’t see myself as an expert in relationships. I see myself as someone who has tasted what it feels like to be fully alive, emotionally safe, deeply connected, spiritually attuned, and who knows the path back to that aliveness.
I have felt it as a child, floating underwater just to hear the truth of my own inner voice. I felt it when my great-grandmother visited me in dreams before she passed, showing me connection exists beyond the visible world. I felt it when my father held me in the ocean’s deep end, the thrill of danger wrapped in the safety of his arms. I felt it when my husband built pillow forts when we were dating, where time dissolved and presence felt effortless. I felt it when my children were born and the room turned sacred.
These memories became my compass long before I studied any theory.
The real work: Helping people become more fully themselves
Harville Hendrix teaches that we are all born fully alive, whole, expressive, open, connected. And then life happens. Through pain, trauma, expectations, and adaptation, parts of us get pushed underground. The hidden parts carry the pain. And the journey of healing is to reclaim them until you become more you than ever before.
My work is not to teach you the right way to “do” relationship. It’s to help you become yourself again, fully, courageously, honestly.
Because when two people reconnect with their essence, the relationship becomes lighter, easier, and more naturally loving. Two half-versions of themselves will struggle. Two alive people can create something extraordinary.
What transformation looks like in real life
I have watched men walk into my office resentful, withdrawn, stiff, and skeptical. Men who were certain that talking wouldn’t change anything. And then, slowly, with structure and safety, something softens. They look up. They touch differently. Their hearts open in ways they didn’t think possible.
I have watched women who want to run away finally breathe because their pattern of over-adaptation is seen, named, and held with compassion. They stop fleeing. They start staying with themselves. They start seeing their partner as an ally, not an enemy.
I have watched older couples, married 40 years or more, look at each other with new eyes, as if meeting for the first time. It is never too late to rediscover your essence.
These moments are not accidental. They come from creating the right kind of space, one where safety allows people to return home to themselves.
Why feeling like a fraud made me a better therapist
I now understand that my self-doubt wasn’t a sign that I didn’t belong in this field. It was a reminder that I am human.
Humanness is not the obstacle in this work. It is the requirement for it.
Because I don’t stand above my clients, I stand with them. I don’t teach from perfection. I teach from presence. I don’t guide from certainty. I guide from curiosity, humility, and deep respect for the human heart.
I don’t want to be the expert. I want to be the person who helps you walk back to yourself.
Start your journey back to yourself
You don’t need a perfect relationship to begin this work. You don’t need to have it all figured out. You only need a willingness to rediscover who you really are and bring that aliveness into your relationship.
If you’re ready to experience what emotional safety, presence, and connection can feel like in your own life, I would love to guide you. You can explore Imago, experience the structure, and start creating connections on purpose, not by accident.
Visit my website to book a session or learn more about my 3-Day Intensive Course for the ultimate Relationship Transformation.
Let’s begin the journey back to who you truly are.
Read more from Hendrien van der Bijl
Hendrien van der Bijl, Imago Relationship Therapist
Hendrien is an Imago Relationship Therapist and the founder of Start Right, a practice dedicated to helping couples rebuild connection and communicate with greater compassion. She specializes in guiding partners through conflict patterns, emotional disconnection, and the deeper dynamics that shape intimate relationships. Her work blends clinical training with practical, heart-centered tools that make healing accessible and real. Through her courses, sessions, and writing, she teaches couples how to understand each other with curiosity rather than defensiveness. Hendrien’s mission is simple: to help people live their relationships with intention, presence, and passion.
