Why Doesn’t Trauma Make Everyone Compassionate?
- Jan 20
- 4 min read
Updated: Jan 22
Written by Julia Elstrodt, Psychotherapist
Julia Elstrodt is an Ivy League-educated psychotherapist who helps people overcome trauma, reconnect with joy, and find wholeness. She works in private practice and in collaboration with charities supporting survivors of domestic violence, modern slavery, and other forms of gender-based violence.
We all experience trauma, it is part of human existence. Nobody goes through this life unscathed. In a work that revolves around asking questions, one question comes to mind often, why do some of us perpetuate trauma while others dedicate themselves to healing and breaking cycles? After experiencing abuse, for instance, why do some people become abusers while others become deeply compassionate? Is there a genetic factor? Is it a disposition we are born with? Can it be a conscious decision?
The difference is not what happened to us
From what I have observed in both my work and personal experience, there is one key factor that differentiates the two, humility. As my greatest teacher would say, we have to learn to bend the knee.
When we are in deep pain, we operate in survival mode. In this heightened state of body and mind, we are often hypervigilant and more easily triggered. Some direct their pain outward, while others introject it. This pain is unprocessed and often unconscious. A narcissist, for example, is not grandiose because they actually feel grandiose, but because they feel insecure and insignificant. In extreme cases, people believe they are entitled to cause pain because they are in so much of it themselves. This is not always malicious, again, it is often unconscious. But the impact on others is real. Hurt people hurt people.
Getting out of a victim mentality
Taking the step from victimhood to recovery requires immense courage. It requires processing the pain that lies beneath the behavior.
More than courage, it requires help. When we acknowledge the suffering we are truly in, we also realize we can’t get out of it by ourselves. As they say, courage is not the absence of fear, but the ability to act despite it.
What helps us act in the face of fear?
Support. When we open ourselves to receive help, we open ourselves to deep connections, to community, and to love. The only reason I am healing the way I am is because of the help I allow in. I laugh at myself whenever I try to do something alone and get surprised by how often I fail. Receiving help requires humility. It requires being aware that we make mistakes and that we can fall. It requires being aware of our fragility and vulnerability.
A moment on the pavement
One day, in the midst of my trauma recovery, I came across a homeless man unconscious on the pavement. I couldn’t just keep walking, I had to stop and call an ambulance. My heart went out to him. I was told over the phone to turn him on his side until the paramedics arrived and frantically looked around for a passerby to ask for help. An older couple walked past, and I asked, “Sir, could you please help me turn him?” The older man looked at the situation, smirked, and replied, “Why? Just leave him there.”
Leave him there? Don’t you know this could be you? I was furious.
A few minutes later, as I struggled on the ground, a young man appeared, rolling up his sleeves. A medical student. The three of us spent an hour on the pavement until the ambulance arrived. The young doctor and I helped the man back to consciousness, and he told us about his misery. “This is what humanity needs,” the young doctor said, words I couldn’t agree with more.
Compassion requires openness, not superiority
Humility develops compassion. Not just understanding, where we often excuse behavior because we understand its origin, but true compassion, where we can see and acknowledge a situation with openness and without judgment.
The unhealed person doesn’t have compassion, they have arrogance. They don’t listen, they talk. They don’t want to learn because they already know best.
So, what can we do?
If you are reading this, you most likely already have a certain level of consciousness and awareness. Still, staying on our path requires daily dedication. I often observe my thoughts and ask myself, “Am I being arrogant or open? Can I ask for help? Am I answering questions, or asking them?”
This article is not an answer to the posed question, but rather an invitation for you to reflect on the question itself. We can’t expect others to do the work, but the power of being open ourselves is limitless. It has a ripple effect that can inspire and encourage people who are ready and able to do the same. From pain to purpose, what once defined us or weighed us down can be transformed into the very force that carries us forward.
Read more from Julia Elstrodt
Julia Elstrodt, Psychotherapist
Julia Elstrodt is a psychotherapist specializing in trauma and embodied awareness. Knowing her vocation from the age of eleven, she has dedicated her life to the art of healing. Her work is rooted in the psychology of C. G. Jung, bridging the worlds of psychotherapy and spirituality. Shaped by the lived experience of profound trauma, Julia is deeply committed to supporting healing in both individuals and communities.
