Why Avoiding Conflict Can Quietly Break a Relationship and What You Can Do Instead
Written by Anna Kuyumcuoglu, Licensed Psychotherapist
Anna Kuyumcuoglu is well-known for her somatic psychotherapies. She is the founder and CEO of Wall Street Therapy, a private practice in the heart of New York's financial district.
If you and your partner tend to avoid arguments, you might assume that’s a good thing. After all, who wants to fight? Staying calm, letting things go, or “not making a big deal out of it” can feel like the mature thing to do.
But research tells a different story.
A study published in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology found that couples who were unhappy, even those on the brink of divorce, were far more likely to avoid conflict than couples who reported stable and satisfying relationships. These partners often showed more emotional distance, more withdrawal, and less honest communication.
In other words, conflict avoidance may feel safe in the short term. But over time, it becomes toxic.
The real danger of avoiding conflict
Here’s the paradox: the couples who fear fighting the most are often the ones with the most unspoken tension. Instead of bringing up the hard stuff, they stay silent. But the issues don’t disappear. They stack up, unspoken and unresolved. Over time, this builds a wall between partners, brick by brick.
Eventually, the emotional distance can become so great that it feels impossible to bridge.
Why we avoid conflict in the first place
Avoiding conflict isn’t usually about laziness or indifference. It’s often rooted in deep emotional learning.
You might have grown up in a home where any disagreement turned explosive—or where emotions were shut down entirely.
Maybe cultural or family messages taught you to keep the peace at any cost.
Or perhaps conflict just feels too overwhelming, especially if you’ve experienced trauma or emotional neglect.
If this sounds familiar, know that you’re not alone, and your relationship isn’t doomed. But healing begins when you start seeing conflict not as a threat, but as an opportunity.
Healthy conflict is a form of intimacy
Think of conflict as a doorway. Behind it are your needs, values, fears, and hopes. When you and your partner learn to walk through that doorway together, with honesty and compassion, you grow closer, not farther apart.
Of course, it doesn’t happen overnight. And it can feel incredibly vulnerable at first.
But with support, conflict-avoidant couples can learn to:
Have difficult conversations without shutting down
Share needs and feelings in safe, clear ways
Repair quickly after misunderstandings
Build a relationship that’s honest, respectful, and resilient
Therapy can help you relearn the dance
In couples therapy, especially with someone trained in relational trauma and emotional safety, you’ll begin to explore what makes conflict feel dangerous, and what it would take to make it feel tolerable (even connective). You’ll also work on real-time communication tools that help you move from silence or shutdown into genuine dialogue.
And if you’re the one who usually avoids conflict, therapy can also help you:
Understand your fear without judging it
Learn how to stay present when emotions get intense
Build the confidence to speak up—without needing it to be perfect
You don’t have to “fight better.” You just have to learn to stay connected while being honest.
If you and your partner are stuck in the same quiet, disconnected patterns, it’s okay to ask for help. Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do for your relationship is to start talking again, even when it’s hard.
Read more from Anna Kuyumcuoglu
Anna Kuyumcuoglu, Licensed Psychotherapist
Anna Kuyumcuoglu is a trauma-informed licensed psychotherapist specializing in body-based somatic psychotherapy. With a deep understanding of attachment and nervous system regulation, she helps individuals move beyond adaptive survival strategies toward secure, embodied connection. Committed to creating a safe and attuned therapeutic space, Anna supports clients in strengthening their capacity for co-regulation, self-trust, and relational intimacy. Grounded in a compassionate, integrative approach, she empowers individuals to reclaim their resilience and experience more authentic, fulfilling relationships—with both themselves and others.
