Why Are Women So Exhausted? The Hidden Mental Load of Being Everything to Everyone
Written by Lauren Coll, Authenticity Expert
Lauren Coll is an Authenticity Expert, coach, and speaker helping women reconnect with who they truly are beneath expectations, people-pleasing, and perfectionism. Through her signature UNMUTED Method, she empowers women to build lives, careers, and businesses rooted in self-trust, courage, and authentic expression.
You can have a full night’s sleep and still wake up exhausted. Not because you didn’t sleep. Because your brain never really clocked out. You’re thinking about the meeting at 10, the groceries you forgot to order, the birthday coming up next weekend, whether your child has clean gym clothes, the text you still haven’t answered, the thing your partner mentioned three days ago that you’re somehow still responsible for remembering, the email you need to send, the appointment you need to book, the thing at work that no one technically asked you to handle, but you know you’ll probably end up handling anyway.
Somehow, you’re still wondering why you’re so tired.
For many women, exhaustion isn’t simply about having too much to do. It’s about carrying the invisible mental and emotional work underneath everything they do. It’s the work no one sees.
Eventually, it becomes the work you don’t even realize you’re doing.
What is the mental load?
Mental load is the ongoing cognitive and emotional work of anticipating needs, planning, organizing, making decisions, remembering details, monitoring what's been done, and keeping life moving.
It is different from simply completing a task. It’s remembering that the task exists in the first place.
It’s noticing that your child is almost out of medication.
It’s remembering that the permission form needs to be signed tomorrow.
It’s knowing your partner has a stressful week coming up and adjusting your own expectations around it.
It’s noticing that your team at work seems overwhelmed and quietly taking something off their plate.
It’s keeping track of what everyone needs, often before they even ask.
Research on mental load describes it as cognitive, physical, and emotional labour, and studies of working mothers have found that this invisible work can become overwhelming when layered alongside paid work and caregiving responsibilities.
Sometimes the thing exhausting you isn’t the task. It’s being the person who has to remember the task.
Why women carry more than what is on their to-do list
There isn’t one universal explanation, and women’s experiences vary enormously. But psychology and workplace research consistently show that women face higher emotional and relational labour alongside paid work and caregiving, contributing to stress and burnout.
Recent research examining tens of thousands of workers across Europe also found that women reported higher emotional-labour demands than men within the same occupations, with work stress serving as an important pathway between those demands and wellbeing.
So when a woman says, “I don’t know why I’m so exhausted. I’m not even doing that much,” I want her to pause.
Because “doing” is only one part of the equation. There is also anticipating, managing, remembering, monitoring, smoothing, supporting, planning, and emotionally holding.
That is work too.
The connection between mental load and emotional exhaustion
Mental load is the invisible work. Overfunctioning is what happens when you make that invisible work your identity.
A woman becomes so accustomed to being capable that capability turns into identity. She’s the one who gets things done. She’s the reliable one. She’s the planner. She’s the fixer. She’s the one people call when something goes wrong. She’s the one who notices. Because she can handle it, people start assuming she will.
Eventually, she stops asking herself whether something is actually hers to carry. She carries it.
This is what I mean by overfunctioning.
Overfunctioning isn’t a diagnosis. It’s a pattern of doing, managing, anticipating, and taking responsibility beyond what is actually yours, often because being capable, helpful, or needed has become deeply connected to your sense of safety or worth.
Here’s the uncomfortable part, "Sometimes the world doesn’t ask us to do all of this. We volunteer. We anticipate. We fix. We take over."
We say, “It’s fine, I’ll do it.” Then we feel resentful that nobody helped. I’ve been there.
What overfunctioning looks like
Overfunctioning often shows up as:
You know exactly what everyone else needs, but struggle to answer what you need.
You say yes and then feel resentful.
You feel guilty when you rest.
You struggle to let other people do things their way.
You feel disconnected from yourself.
Let’s make that more concrete.
5 signs you may be overfunctioning
1. You struggle to let other people do things their way
You tell yourself it’s easier to do it yourself. Sometimes it is.
But if you’re always taking over because you don’t trust anyone else to handle things, you never get to experience what shared responsibility actually feels like.
2. You feel guilty when you rest
You finally sit down and immediately notice five things you could be doing. So you get back up.
Rest becomes something you have to earn, not something you are allowed to experience.
3. You know what everyone else needs, but struggle to answer what you need
Ask yourself what your partner wants for dinner? Easy. What your kids need this week? You’ve got the spreadsheet. What your boss needs from you? Already anticipated.
Ask, “What do you want?” And suddenly there is silence.
4. You say yes and then feel resentful
This one is huge.
You say yes because you don’t want to disappoint someone. Then you spend the next three days irritated that they asked. But the deeper issue isn’t necessarily that they asked.
It’s that you didn’t feel safe enough to say no.
5. You feel disconnected from yourself
This might be the biggest sign of all.
You can tell me exactly what everyone around you needs. But you aren’t sure what you want anymore. That’s not a character flaw.
It’s often what happens when you’ve spent years orienting yourself around everyone else’s needs.
Why rest alone doesn’t fix the problem
Here’s something I want more women to hear, "You cannot always self-care your way out of self-abandonment."
A bath might feel wonderful. A vacation might be desperately needed. A workout can help. A massage can be amazing. But if you come home from your vacation and immediately return to the same patterns of overfunctioning, people-pleasing, overcommitting, and ignoring your own needs, the underlying problem hasn’t changed.
You’ve taken a temporary break. True change often starts much earlier. It starts with awareness. With noticing:
The moment you automatically say yes.
The moment you override your intuition.
The moment you take responsibility for someone else’s emotions.
The moment you think, “I’ll just do it.”
The moment you realize you’re exhausted but keep pushing anyway.
That moment is your opportunity to choose differently.
How to start putting down what was never yours
Start by asking yourself three questions.
1. Is this actually mine?
Not, “Can I do it?” Not, “Would it be easier if I did it?” Not, “Will someone be disappointed if I don’t?” Is it actually mine?
2. What am I afraid will happen if I don’t do it?
This question can reveal a lot. Maybe you’re afraid someone will think you’re selfish. Maybe they’ll be annoyed.
Maybe they’ll think you’re not capable. Maybe there will be conflict. Maybe someone else will have to step up.
3. What do I want?
Not what I should want. Not what would make everyone else happy. Not what would be most responsible. What do I want?
That question can feel surprisingly uncomfortable when you’ve spent years being the woman who knows what everyone else needs. But discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong.
Sometimes discomfort is simply what it feels like to do something differently.
The shift from self-abandonment to self-trust
I believe the goal isn’t to become a woman who stops caring. It’s to become a woman who can care deeply without disappearing inside everyone else’s needs. That’s a very different thing.
You can be a loving mother without being the only person responsible for the household.
You can be a supportive partner without becoming the relationship's emotional manager.
You can be an incredible leader without carrying every problem your team has.
You can be generous without being endlessly available.
You can say no and still be a good person.
You can disappoint someone and still be a good daughter, friend, partner, mother, or leader.
Perhaps most importantly, "You can choose yourself without abandoning the people you love."
Imagine waking up and feeling like your day belongs to you, not just to everyone else’s needs. Imagine saying no without spiralling into guilt. Imagine your partner, your kids, your colleagues stepping up, not because you finally exploded, but because you stopped quietly picking up everything they dropped.
That’s not a fantasy. It’s what becomes possible when you move from self-abandonment to self-trust.
A simple unmuting exercise
For the next seven days, I want you to notice every time you automatically say:
“I’ll do it.”
“I can handle it.”
“It’s fine.”
“No problem.”
“Whatever works for everyone else.”
Before you respond, pause. Take one breath. Ask yourself, "What is actually true for me right now?"
Maybe the answer is yes. Great. Say yes consciously. Maybe the answer is no. Say no. Maybe the answer is, “I need to think about it.” Say that. Maybe you realize you’re angry because you’ve been saying yes to something you actually resent. Notice that.
You don’t have to change your entire life in one week. You need to start hearing yourself again. Because that voice has been there all along.
You may have just gotten very good at talking over her.
What if you don’t need a new version of yourself?
This is the work I call UNMUTING.
Not becoming someone new. Not creating a perfect morning routine. Not optimizing yourself until you finally become worthy of the life you want.
It’s about:
Uncovering the patterns that have taught you to silence yourself
Noticing when they show up
Meeting yourself with honesty instead of judgment
Untangling what is yours from what you’ve been carrying for everyone else
Learning to trust your own voice again
That’s the foundation of my UNMUTE Method. Because I don’t believe women need another person telling them who to become.
I believe many women need the space, tools, and support to finally hear themselves clearly enough to decide, choose, speak, ask, say no, want more, want less, change their minds, take up space, and come back to themselves.
Sometimes the most powerful thing a woman can do isn’t add another thing to her life. It’s putting something down. Especially something she was never meant to carry in the first place.
Your next step
If you’re reading this and thinking, “Okay… I think I’ve been doing this,” don’t turn that realization into another thing to fix. Start smaller.
Tonight, ask yourself, “Where am I carrying something that isn’t actually mine?” Then listen to the answer. No fixing. No judging. Just listen. That’s where coming back to yourself begins.
If you’re ready to explore what it looks like to become less reactive, less resentful, and more connected to your own voice, I help women do this through 1:1 coaching and the UNMUTE Method.
Book a free discovery call or explore resources here.
Because you don’t need to become a different woman. You may need to stop muting the one you already are.
Visit my website for more info!
Read more from Lauren Coll
Lauren Coll, Authenticity Expert
Lauren Coll is an Authenticity Expert, coach, speaker, and founder of Lauren Coll Coaching. Through her signature UNMUTED Method, she helps women reconnect with who they truly are beneath expectations, people-pleasing, and perfectionism so they can build lives, careers, and businesses aligned with their authentic selves. Drawing from her own journey of rediscovering her voice while navigating motherhood, leadership, and personal growth, Lauren blends practical strategies with meaningful inner work to create lasting transformation. Through her writing, podcast, and coaching, she encourages women to trust themselves, take up space, and live with greater courage, clarity, and purpose.
