Where Were My Traumas Coming From? — A Story Of A Victim Turned Victorious
Updated: Jun 18, 2024
Written by: Jessica Taggart, Somatic Movement Healer
Jessica Taggart is a certified Somatic Activated Healing™ coach, spiritual dance teacher, sound healer, and restorative yoga teacher.
This is my personal reflection of trauma and recovery. I share this in celebration and solidarity with the women throughout history who have been neglected, abused and mistreated. You are not forgotten, you are not alone, you are not broken.
I was a sweet, sparkly-eyed little girl. I remember laying down on my mother’s legs and rubbing her belly with some kind of ointment to get rid of her stretch marks. We were connected, I suppose, that was the last memory I have of us being that close (back in the day).
Something strange started happening, mom didn’t require my care anymore, mom didn’t want me close, mom didn’t want to see me wearing dresses anymore, mom started cutting my hair short and said that, it was the style. I remember being talkative and funny but one day I couldn’t speak anymore, it was like if someone had taken my power and with that they also took that sparkle from my eyes. For the longest time I try convincing myself I was a boy. I unconsciously felt like I didn’t want
to be a threat for my mother.
She was a beautiful woman whose grace would enlighten any room, but father didn’t allow her to shine out of his reach, and if she did she was punished. Bloody memories, chaotic existence. A little corner of a dark room was my back row seat. Watch and be quiet was the instruction. Hold back tears as this is not of your business. So confusing. So damaging.
Mother had dreams she wasn’t allowed to fulfill, mother needed real love, but she couldn’t dare to find it, or else, Mother was alone. I judged her just because she wanted to be happy outside of the house one day.
The idea of love was so twisted in my mind. Love hurts, love takes your voice away, love destroys your soul and you should just remain in pain. Life was so confusing to me. Why couldn’t I talk? Why couldn’t I swallow my food? Why did I have to pretend I was a boy? Why did I feel the need to never outshine my mother?
I wanted to be girl. I wanted to be loved and cared for. I wanted to be pretty. I wanted to sing but I couldn’t allow myself to even come close to mothers talents and beauty. Why did I feel this way?
I’ve been in a quest to find the answers my whole life. I prayed for answers as I relived my childhood pattern over and over again. Pain was so familiar, I couldn’t let go of it. Rejection was so familiar I couldn’t let go of it, shutting my voice down was so familiar I couldn’t let go of it. I needed it to remain the same so I would always feel at “home”.
Hundreds of therapy sessions later things started taking a bit of a shape. Something wasn’t making sense. Where were my traumas coming from? Why didn’t I have any recollection or memory
of where it all started? I kept digging so deep inside. I really needed an answer! When did I lose myself?! For crying out loud I needed to know so I could find peace and healing!
And so 'the day' came, I was invited to a healing retreat in Bogota. One of those you enter into another state of consciousness. Memories started coming back, they were haunting me. The journey to my unconscious memories started by me asking my mother to love me. "Mami, mami please love me, mami, mami I want to be a girl. Mami, mami they took me by the river and I swear it wasn’t my fault mami!" A familiar adult man’s voice said: “Shhhhhh, you cannot tell mother about this or anyone else”. There were two other grown relatives in the picture by a small river we used to visit. I was molested by a grown man. This was the beginning of a huge portal opening. This was the beginning of me understanding it all.
The consequences I’ve lived with, the choices I’ve made, the life I had created that far. Why and why not? All the answers were revealed. I’ve hurt my children with the choices I made. And in the pursuit of finding the “perfect partner” I had to make sure I attracted someone who was going to perpetuate the pain, someone who would always make me feel “at home”.
Abusers, cheaters, liars (as wounded as they can be) were the perfect candidates for my misery story. So if I saw potential I would immediately recruit them, if they weren’t there yet I would make sure they got there by training them. With my “victim like” behavior, opening the door to let them walk all over me. So comforting. I created the perfect horror story with each one of them so I remained the victim. The day the pattern broke came — the most painful day of them all.
I knew I signed up for pain and that was the core of 'my story', but seeing one of my children being physically assaulted was the end of it! The pain was supposed to be 'only' mine! They didn’t deserve to suffer the consequences. They didn’t deserved their integrity to be compromised because of
my choice to live in misery!
The pattern broke that day, so it did that version of me. I was broken into pieces. The pain was so unbearable I couldn’t even speak, I couldn’t even cry. I needed to find a way to release it. And so my healing journey started, picking up the useful pieces I can rescue of myself has been a hell of a job, putting them together is taking a while, but piece by piece I’m making myself whole and brand new.
It has taken over 40 years for me to go back and be able to rescue you, “My little girl”. I remember the endless nights you used to stay up daydreaming about becoming me one day, the perfect grown up who’s finally done hurting and always make the right choices. Yup, I know I’ve disappointed you big time. But after all the ups and downs, wrong turns, lessons, tears and laughs, I’m here to tell you that pain is not welcome, abuse is not welcome, rejection is not welcome,
abandonment (or that perception) is not welcome, victimism and shame are not welcome anymore! It’s time to change our habitat!
Today I can finally hold your hand and tell you, "You are safe! I got you!" We can break the old mold and let ourselves be loved the right way. It’s time my dear! Today is the day we regain our power and the place we have came to fulfill in this world. Let’s do this!
Jessica Taggart, Somatic Movement Healer
Jessica Taggart has emerged as a creator, a solution-finder, and a dream-weaver. Through her signature practice — the SpiRITUAL Workout. She has crafted a transformative experience that combines somatic moves, dynamic meditations, and restorative yoga. Jessica's journey towards self-discovery and empowerment goes beyond her practice. Her mission and purpose are driven by her commitment to her own healing journey.
Photo credits:
Susan Eckert
