What’s That Smell in the Fridge? How to Identify an Unhealthy Relationship
- Brainz Magazine
- Oct 28
- 7 min read
Updated: 5 days ago
Kimberlee Herman, MSW, LCPC, is a best-selling author, Christian counselor, and host of Promise Hill. With 22+ years of experience and a heart full of hope. She mixes faith, counseling, and storytelling to remind you: you’re seen, you’re loved, and you don’t have to walk this hill alone.
Who here loves a great mystery? I sure do. Not necessarily the stench from the fridge, but more like the super sleuth sagas with memorable characters with lots of depth. Layers of history in a story ring charm and intelligence, and pull me in even deeper. But alas, this article is about something funky in your relationship. So, let's unfold this dilemma together to find the source of the stink. Hold onto your Sherlock hat to get into the metaphorical mood with real tools and a made-up example.
Here we go.
Maria had been dating Matthew for a few months. On the outside, things seemed to be going well. They saw each other twice a week, they often double dated, and he would ask Maria for her ideas on various topics. But Maria started to notice she felt sad when they would talk. She began to feel empty inside and questioned her sanity. She would tell herself, “Matthew is a good-looking guy with a steady job. He wants to hear my opinion on matters, so what’s wrong with me? What more could I want?”
Sometimes in a relationship, romantically and/or platonic, there’s an ache brewing. You know the ache you can’t quite name. The low hum that “something’s not right” in your relationship, even when you can’t quite explain why. Yeah, that.
If you’re reading this, you might be in a relationship that’s unhealthy, but you can’t seem to put your finger on it. Perhaps you’re doing things like trying to talk to your partner or friend, ignoring your feelings, doubting your intuition, or scrolling for wisdom disguised as memes. Maybe there’s a part of you that feels, Is there something wrong with me?
Let’s start there. That’s the beginning of our mystery novel.
Pain is not a sign of failure
Somewhere along the way, many of us inherited the idea that emotional pain in a relationship is just part of the deal, or worse, that enduring it is a sign of loyalty or faithfulness, especially in Christian relationships. But staying in patterns that hurt you isn’t holy. It’s harmful.
Normalize the ache. Not as something to ignore or brush off, but as a signal, a clue. You don’t have to call it toxic to know it is painful. You don’t need dramatic proof to validate your quiet suffering. It’s a clue, part of the mystery to be solved.
What if it’s not you falling short, but the relationship failing to nourish you?
Counseling invites us to ask brave questions, much like a detective figuring out the whodunit. Here’s our first question, Am I growing in this relationship, or am I shrinking to stay?
A bruised soul often needs clarity more than closure. You’re not being dramatic. You’re discerning. And what feels like confusion may actually be wisdom trying to rise. The answer to the above question may just be your mystery solved. Or perhaps it’s part of the collection of clues.
Next, try this tool. I call it, “What’s that smell in the fridge?” The next time your heart clenches during a conversation or interaction with your partner, pause and ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” And once identified, “Can I let my partner or friend know I’m feeling this way?”
Maria used the “What’s that smell in the fridge” tool the next time she spoke to Matthew. She identified “sadness” as the smell, the clue, and realized she did not feel comfortable letting Matthew know. So she decided to investigate why this was.
Soul-care
Christian counseling often talks about soul care over self-care. And soul care says, if it's costing your peace, your safety, or your God-given worth, it's too expensive.
What if you stopped trying to become more lovable to someone who doesn’t cherish you, and started becoming more you in the presence of someone who does?
Maria came to see me when she felt she was losing herself to please her partner. In addition, she realized she did this with several of her relationships. I gave Maria some Mystery Meat questions to ponder. She took those in hand, determined to investigate her feelings more deeply, and returned the following session to discuss what she learned in detail. Here are some of those questions.
Related: How to Heal From Emotional Pain
Mystery meat questions
Do I feel emotionally safe being fully myself around my partner or friend?
Can I express my needs without fear of emotional withdrawal, punishment, or mockery?
Do I feel more like myself, or less, when I spend time with them?
When conflict happens, is it followed by repair, silence, or blame?
Is there mutual effort, or am I the only one trying to make things work?
Let these guide your sleuthing efforts. Not to fix right away, but to listen more closely to your soul. Fixing does not necessarily mean healing. Healing needs to happen so that the mystery is solved.
When Maria returned to our next session, she realized the “smell in the fridge” was no longer mystery meat. It was feeling dismissed, mocked, undervalued, and not cherished. In further investigation, she realized she often felt this way from early childhood, living with parents who fought and missed out on pouring into her heart. She realized she did not feel she deserved a spotlight of value because she had hidden so much of herself over the years. The first part of healing for Maria was tenderly caring for the bruises that had formed over her life.
Maria needed to tend to her bruises before she could be in a healthy relationship. Once she’s healthier, she’ll be able to spot an unhealthy relationship much sooner and can move on.
Three soul-soothing tools for the bruises
As a Christian counselor, I combine mental health with spiritual health. The following tools reflect that.
Breath prayer: An ancient Christian practice that combines mindfulness with spiritual presence. Breathe in with a phrase like “God is with me,” and exhale with “I am not alone.” This grounds your nervous system while reconnecting your spirit.
Compassionate curiosity: Instead of blaming yourself for the relationship or “feeling off” emotions, say to yourself, “Interesting, I feel shut down, unseen, unimportant. I wonder what I need right now?” Then provide it. If you don’t know, take a guess. This breaks the cycle of ignoring your needs.
Safe imagery: Close your eyes and picture yourself with a person who is caring and kind. If you do not have that type of person in your life, think of a character from a book or movie who has those characteristics.
What would they say about your relationship and how you are being treated? What kind words would they say to encourage you? Then use that model for how you talk to yourself. Be kind and encouraging with your self-talk.
Maria pictured herself with Miss Honey from Matilda and sometimes pictured herself with Forrest Gump. Both characters brought kindness, validation, and encouragement to her. Who would you choose?
Spotlight on the mystery smell
If the relationship you are in leaves you feeling anxious or sad more than peace and joy, silenced more than seen, you have a smell in the fridge type of situation. It’s okay to seek help. Not only okay, but soul saving.
Whether it is a counselor or coach, healing often begins when you are heard and validated. If you are married and emotional safety feels missing or misfiring, couples counseling is necessary. Sometimes bruises in a relationship are shared, and healing must be too.
If you are just dating, seeing your own therapist or relationship coach can help you sort out your feelings. If you are a DIY sleuth and want to start unraveling the mystery of the “smell in the fridge,” read The Emotionally Destructive Relationship by Leslie Vernick.
We do not want to throw away the mystery meat or the smells in the fridge. They are helpful clues to pay attention to. But we definitely want to transform them.
You are still you, just tender
A bruise is still your skin. It is just tender skin with all sorts of healing happening underneath. A bruise lets you know it is working on something special and that you must be gentle with that area of your body. Just as you are noticing that something might be off in your relationship. Your senses are telling you something is wrong here, and it is time to get to work to heal it up.
You do not have to feel whole to be worthy of love. You do not have to wait until you are fully healed to deserve kindness, safety, or clarity.
You are allowed to question. You are allowed to want more. God is not pacing, He is present with you every step.
Bruises fade. Souls mend with proper care. And one day you might look back and realize the pain did not make you weak. It called you home to discover the parts of you that were hidden away.
Support while cleaning out the fridge
Soul care takes time, and it can be helpful and sometimes necessary to have some professional support. If there is a lot to unpack, I highly recommend a therapist or coach trained in trauma recovery, not for this type of relationship, but for the wounds that developed that got you here.
I am writing a soul care guide for breakups that will be available soon. PromiseHillPodcast.com will show when it is ready. It is a guide I wish I had when I had my first breakup. Gosh, life would have been way easier if I had those tools in my pocket back then.
At the same time, join me on a journey out of my comfort zone and into a new type of podcast where soul care meets fiction in an unfolding mystery. You know how we both like a good mystery. Join me by listening to the Promise Hill Podcast, where stories heal and hope is redeemed.
Read more from Kimberlee Herman
Kimberlee Herman, Clinical Pastoral Counselor
Kimberlee Herman, MSW, LCPC, is a best-selling author and Christian counselor with over 22 years of experience helping people find healing and hope. These days, she’s trading in the therapy chair for a mic, sharing a fictional story and soul-soothing tools on her podcast, Promise Hill. Tune in wherever you get your podcasts, and remember, you’re not alone, and Kimberlee’s cheering you on every step of the way.
