What If We've Been Defining Great Sex All Wrong?
- Jul 30
- 5 min read
Sandy Michael is a Certified Clinical Sex Coach, Sexologist, and founder of Unmuted. She helps individuals and couples explore intimacy, communication, desire, and connection through honest conversation, curiosity, and shame-free self-expression.
Most people have a pretty clear idea of what makes sex “good.” For some, it is passion and chemistry. For others, it is feeling desired, feeling connected, or feeling comfortable enough to be fully present with another person.
But often, when we look a little deeper, there is another measurement hiding underneath it all, "Did everyone orgasm? Did both people enjoy themselves? Did I do the right thing? Did I satisfy my partner? Did I perform well?"
Somewhere along the way, many of us learned to measure sex by the outcome rather than the experience. When sex becomes something we feel we have to succeed at, it can become much harder to actually experience pleasure.
As a sexologist, one of the patterns I often see is that many people are not struggling because they don't want better sex. They are struggling because they have adopted a definition of good sex that leaves very little room for curiosity, communication, and individuality. Sex becomes something to achieve rather than something to experience.
Where did we learn this definition of sex?
Most people do not wake up one day and decide that sex should look a certain way. We absorb these messages over time through movies and media, conversations with friends, pornography, the things we were taught directly, and the things we were never taught at all.
Many people grow up believing that desire should happen effortlessly, bodies should respond predictably, and orgasm should be the natural conclusion of a successful sexual experience.
There is nothing wrong with wanting pleasure. There is nothing wrong with enjoying orgasm. Those can be meaningful and beautiful parts of sex. The problem happens when they become the only measurement of whether sex was good, because sex is far more complex than a performance with a predictable ending. Sex is an experience between people.
When technique becomes more important than connection
One of the biggest misconceptions about sexual pleasure is that there is a “right” way to create it. People search for the perfect technique, the perfect position, the perfect advice, or the perfect way to make their partner orgasm.
There is something beautiful about wanting to learn. Curiosity about sexuality is healthy. Wanting to understand your partner and create pleasure together is a wonderful part of sexual connection. But technique alone cannot create a satisfying sexual experience.
Why? Because people are not formulas.
What feels amazing for one person may not feel the same for another. What works in one moment may not work in another. Our bodies, emotions, stress levels, relationships, and experiences all influence how we experience pleasure.
A technique can be helpful, but it is not the answer. It is a conversation starter. The most important information about someone's pleasure will rarely come from a book, a video, or a checklist. It comes from listening.
The pressure to perform affects everyone
Performance pressure is not limited to one gender or one type of relationship.
Some people feel pressure to make their partner orgasm. Others feel pressure to orgasm themselves. Some worry they are taking too long. Others worry they are not responsive enough. Some feel like they should already know what they are doing and feel embarrassed to ask questions.
The common thread is that sex becomes a place where people feel evaluated. It is difficult to fully experience pleasure when you feel like you are being graded.
Pleasure requires presence. It requires noticing what is happening in your own body, communicating what feels good, and staying connected to the experience rather than focusing only on the outcome.
Why pleasure can start to feel selfish
This is where another belief often enters the conversation, the idea that prioritizing your own pleasure is selfish. But for many people, this belief is not as obvious as it sounds.
They may not consciously think, “My pleasure doesn't matter.” Instead, it shows up in smaller moments. They focus on whether their partner enjoyed themselves but rarely ask whether they did. They know exactly what their partner likes but struggle to explain what they like. They are comfortable giving pleasure but uncomfortable receiving it.
Over time, they can become so focused on being a good partner that they lose connection with themselves. But healthy sexual experiences are not built on one person disappearing so the other person can feel satisfied. Both people's pleasure matters.
In practice
In my work with clients, I often hear people describe their sex lives as something they need to “fix.” They assume they need more confidence, better communication, or more knowledge about what they are supposed to do.
Sometimes those things are helpful. But often, the first shift comes from changing the question. Instead of asking, “Am I doing this right?” a more meaningful question might be, “Are we paying attention to what is actually happening here?”
Great sex is not created by two people perfectly executing a script. It is created by two people who are willing to stay curious.
A different way to think about great sex
Maybe great sex is not about finding the perfect technique. Maybe it is not about achieving the perfect outcome. Maybe it is not about proving that you are desirable, experienced, or skilled enough.
Maybe great sex is about creating enough safety and curiosity for both people to be honest about what they want, what they enjoy, and what they need. Pleasure is not something we earn by performing well. Pleasure is something we experience when we are present enough to notice it.
Continue the conversation
If you have ever felt pressure to perform, struggled to communicate what you want, or wondered why sex feels more complicated than it “should,” you are not alone.
Our relationship with sex is shaped by the messages we receive, the experiences we have, and the beliefs we carry into sexual experiences.
Through Unmuted, I work with individuals and couples to explore the emotional, relational, and sexual factors that influence desire, pleasure, and connection.
If you're ready to have a more honest conversation about your relationship with sex, desire, and pleasure, I would love to connect.
Visit my website for more info!
Read more from Sandy Michael
Sandy Michael, Certified Clinical Sex Coach & Sexologist
Sandy Michael is a Certified Clinical Sex Coach, Sexologist, and the founder of Unmuted, coaching focused on intimacy, communication, desire, and authentic self-expression. Her work helps individuals and couples navigate connection, pleasure, emotional intimacy, relationship dynamics, and the conversations many people struggle to have openly. Through a compassionate and non-judgmental approach, Sandy creates space for curiosity, confidence, and deeper connection - both with yourself and with others.
