What Are We Really Fighting About?
- Mar 3, 2022
- 5 min read
Written by: Shauna J Harris, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
The initial reasons we find ourselves in a conflict situation, get irritated, or provoked by our partner can seem so obvious in the moment. We get heated due to habits or actions that our partner exhibits that we find annoying or triggering. It could be, “If he would just pick up his laundry,” “If she could just close the cupboard doors,” “How many times do I have to ask them to turn off the lights when they leave the room?” All of these examples are absolutely valid reasons to incite a certain response but I invite you to dig deeper.
Yes, these actions do provoke a reaction. However, when we allow ourselves to go beyond the action and focus on the emotion that has been roused, this is where fiery feelings can be defused. This is where effective communication can begin; now we are getting somewhere.
If we peel back the layers of the majority of conflicts, what we most often find is an unmet emotional need. We are quick to point fingers at the person and the behavior because they are easy to see as the culprit(s). They are on display, right in front of our eyes. When we take a closer look and examine ourselves introspectively, we find the real offenders, our unmet emotional needs.
Emotional needs must be fulfilled in order to feel peace and a sense of happiness. We, as humans, have the need to feel loved, to feel empathy, to feel accepted, validated, safe and secure, to feel autonomous. We have the need to trust, to be prioritized, to be connected, and we need to feel some sense of freedom. The value of each of these emotional needs is different with every individual. It is important to note that emotional needs also change over the course of our lives and can even contrast from relationship to relationship. When one or more of these needs are not met, we are susceptible to feelings of frustration, anger, confusion, disappointment or hurt.
When these feelings of frustration, anger, confusion, disappointment or hurt do surface they need to be communicated very clearly and concisely. When they are communicated effectively, both parties can make a plan to address the need and life continues. If they are not communicated or they are “swept under the rug” or ignored, they fester and grow and will eventually rear their heads.
During a conflict, things can go from zero to 60 pretty quickly, as I am sure most of have experienced at one time or another. If we don’t have the knowledge, the tools and a plan set in place, the situation can turn into a downward spiral in what seems like an instant. Depending on the individual, fight, flight, freeze, or fawn reactions emerge. These reactions are acts of self-preservation and protection from pain, which let’s be honest, no one wants to go through. We react with behavior that we have practiced many times before, a pattern, until we learn a different way that has the potential to bring about a better outcome. If we can become more self-aware and interrupt this pattern before one takes the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn route, we can begin to resolve conflict more effectively.
When emotions begin to surface and our bodies are ready to react and are in “go mode,” we find ourselves at a fork in the road. “Do I do what I’ve always done or do I choose to respond differently?” If we can catch ourselves in this place and take a moment, things can and will begin to unfold very differently. If we can take a few deep breaths to help regulate our nervous system, we are able to slow the release of cortisol (our stress hormone). When our nervous system has been regulated, we are better equipped to make more rational decisions which then leads to a more productive and positive conversation.
We tend to overthink and overcomplicate a lot of things in our relationships that do not need to be. If we can try to keep them simple and focus on the core of the issue, we can solve conflict a lot sooner and with a lot less collateral damage. If a button is pushed or one partner is feeling triggered, stop and think for a second. Is it the behavior that is the problem? Or, is it the meaning that I am making out of the behavior that is bringing up something for me that is the problem? Let’s look at a common behavior that is often brought up in my practice:
“I am extremely annoyed right now that my partner is constantly on their phone.” Upon further thought and self-reflection, “I am feeling so lonely. I am feeling as though I am not a priority to my partner right now.”
Here we have an unmet need. In this example, an argument could ensue pretty easily if one partner choses to bring up the behavior as opposed to the unmet need. “You are always on your phone, it is so annoying. Can’t you find anytime in your day to spend 5 minutes with me?”
If we chose to discuss the unmet need as opposed to the behavior, the result will most certainly be different. “I would love to spend some time with you, I am actually missing the ‘us’ time that we regularly carved out for one another. I miss and really need our special time together! What would you say if we went on a date this week?”
They both convey the same message but with very different words. One focusses on the behavior, one focuses on the need. When we lead with vulnerability and express our emotional needs, the better chance we have at meeting those needs. The partner on the receiving end is not thrown into protection mode and a more compassionate response will result.
When our needs are met, conflict is less likely to arise. And when it does find its way into our relationships, as it does in every healthy relationship, we are better able to get to the core of the issue and effectively discuss what really matters. Conflict will arise, it is a vital part of any successful relationship. No two people come from the exact same background with the exact same experiences, emotions, and thoughts. One of the crucial building blocks in every relationship to create a strong and vibrant foundation is to learn to meet our needs and our partner’s needs. Part of this learning process is becoming proficient in conflict resolution. If you would like to brush up your skills in this area, I am more than happy to assist. The difference it can make in your relationship is transformative.
Shauna J Harris, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Shauna is a Clinical Sexologist, relationship specialist, and international best selling author. She is the founder of Explore Intimacy, a results-based coaching practice.
Shauna utilizes her private coaching practice to guide couples through their relationship journey. She also helps to empower young adults through human sexuality education, which enables them up to make the most knowledgeable and healthy decisions.
Through private sessions, workshops, articles, videos, and speaking engagements, Shauna is passionate about encouraging and supporting healthy families and intimate relationships.
Shauna grew up in Canada and now lives in the beautiful state of Arizona with her husband and two yorkies.
