Unspoken Pressures – Why So Many Women Still Feel They Can’t Be Mothers and Leaders
- Brainz Magazine
- Jul 25, 2025
- 6 min read
Constanza is a psychologist specializing in reproductive health and fertility and the founder of Rudaviva. She is passionate about supporting women in connecting with their bodies and cycles, empowering them to cultivate holistic well-being through education and practical tools.
We’re constantly told that women today can have it all. And on paper, it looks like we do. We lead companies, build movements, teach, heal, and create. We negotiate better salaries, break records, and redefine what success looks like in boardrooms, hospitals, classrooms, and studios.
But beneath all of that accomplishment, there’s something we don’t talk about enough: a quiet grief that lingers in the background of so many successful women’s lives.
It’s not about burnout, stress, or balance. It’s about something deeper, the emotional cost of delaying or even letting go of the desire to become a mother, simply to be taken seriously in professional spaces.
In my work, spanning both fertility education and human-centered organizational design, I’ve witnessed this tension time and again. Women who’ve built brilliant careers have, somewhere along the way, had to press pause on a desire that never stopped calling. Not because they didn’t want it, but because it didn’t feel safe to want it out loud.
The hidden trade-offs behind “having it all”
Success often comes with silent trade-offs. Many women don’t actively choose to delay motherhood. It just keeps getting pushed, after the promotion, after the next project, after things feel more “settled.” Time passes, years stack up, and suddenly the decision feels heavier.
A Harvard Business Review study revealed that among high-achieving women, senior executives, physicians, and academics, 33–42% were childless by midlife, while only about 19% of their male peers were in the same position. These aren’t just statistics. They reflect stories of real women who’ve felt the pressure to choose between personal desires and professional credibility.
And many don’t talk about it because we’re told we should be grateful, that we’re privileged, and that motherhood can wait. But behind closed doors, I’ve heard the same quiet confession again and again: “I did everything right. So why do I feel like something’s missing?”
When fertility support sounds more like a delay strategy
Modern workplaces have made some progress. Fertility benefits, egg freezing, and longer parental leaves are positive steps. But they often come wrapped in subtle messages: keep working, delay personal plans, your body can wait.
Egg freezing is one of the clearest examples. It’s offered as empowerment, and for some, it is. But in many industries, it’s silently positioned as the responsible choice for ambitious women. Not because the woman necessarily wants to delay, but because the system hasn’t changed enough to make space for both ambition and motherhood to coexist.
Real support shouldn’t mean asking women to override their biological rhythms in order to match unsustainable expectations. It should mean designing spaces where both personal and professional desires are honored without apology.
The invisible bias is still at play for women in the workplace
Even today, women experience a 4% loss in lifetime earnings for each child they have, a phenomenon known as the Motherhood Penalty. In contrast, men often benefit from the Fatherhood Bonus, where being a dad is perceived as a sign of responsibility and leadership potential.
This dynamic quietly reinforces the idea that motherhood is a liability, while fatherhood is a strength. That belief gets internalized, and over time, it shapes the decisions women make, not always from freedom, but from fear.
We still live in a world where being a mother and a leader feels like two roles in conflict, not because they truly are, but because our systems haven’t evolved enough to hold complexity.
The silent grief of delayed dreams
For many women, there’s no medical diagnosis. No clear reason to say "I can’t," just a gnawing feeling that time slipped by while they were focused on building, achieving, and showing they belonged.
Some don’t even know if they want to have children, but the grief still shows up, not for what is, but for what might have been, for the conversations postponed, for the hopes shelved, for the part of themselves that never got to take up space.
And this kind of grief rarely gets acknowledged. It’s not seen as valid in corporate halls. It doesn’t get compassionate leave or space in leadership training. But it exists, quietly, often invisibly. And it matters.
A new way forward
What if women didn’t have to split themselves to succeed?
What if workplaces valued the full spectrum of womanhood, including the parts that don’t perform, hustle, or grind?
Real support looks like creating cultures where slowness is not a threat, where cyclical needs are seen as wisdom, not weakness, and where the path to leadership doesn’t require sacrificing desire, softness, or dreams.
As a fertility educator and a professional in organizational strategy, I believe we can reimagine what power looks like. That includes recognizing that success doesn’t always have to come at the expense of something else.
When we stop asking women to compartmentalize, we begin to build spaces where leadership and motherhood are not just compatible, they are mutually enriching.
5 mindset shifts to begin reimagining success from a place of wholeness
1. Honor your natural pace
We are not meant to operate like machines. Energy ebbs and flows. Creativity needs space. Start asking yourself regularly: What pace actually supports me today? When you work in rhythm with your body instead of against it, clarity and creativity often come with more ease.
2. Redefine ambition on your terms
Ambition doesn't have to mean nonstop productivity. It can look like building something meaningful without burning out. It can be fierce and soft. Allow yourself to expand the definition, one that includes your values, your body, and your joy.
3. Let the grief speak
For some women, the pressure to delay or suppress the desire for motherhood comes with a quiet grief. It doesn’t always have a name, but it lingers. Give it space. Your longing is not a weakness. It's a signal, one that deserves compassion, not silence.
4. Set small boundaries that honor your needs
You don’t need to overhaul your life overnight. Start by protecting one small thing: your mornings, your lunch breaks, your weekends. Boundaries don’t have to be loud to be powerful. They’re how we build trust with ourselves again.
5. Ask better questions
Instead of “How can I do it all?” ask: What does success look like for the version of me I want to become?
Instead of “How do I keep up?” ask: What do I truly want to move toward?
Changing the questions changes the path, and often, the pressure begins to lift.
You don’t have to choose
If you’re reading this and feeling something stir in your chest, a pause, a lump in your throat, a deep exhale, you’re not alone.
So many women are navigating this inner tug-of-war between their ambition and their longing. And both deserve space. Both are valid. Both are powerful.
Let’s stop asking women to choose.
Let’s start redesigning the systems that made them believe they had to.
If this resonates with you, if you’ve ever felt that quiet tension between your ambition and your desire for something more, know that you’re not alone.
I share reflections like this in my weekly newsletter (in Spanish), where I write about fertility, cyclical living, and emotional well-being from a place of honesty and softness.
You can also find me on Instagram, @rudaviva, where I offer tools, stories, and real conversations for women who want to lead without leaving themselves behind.
Read more from Constanza Araujo Nagore
Constanza Araujo Nagore, Specialist in Psychology and Reproductive Health
Constanza is a psychologist specializing in reproductive health and fertility awareness methods and the founder of Rudaviva. She enjoys helping women connect with their cycles and bodies through education, fostering holistic well-being and self-awareness. Her mission is to empower women to embrace their natural rhythms and cultivate meaningful relationships with themselves and their health. Constanza inspires transformative journeys toward physical and emotional balance through workshops, personalized guidance, and innovative resources.
