Written by: Dr. Leslie Davis, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
When you see her, you’d never know how deep the roots of her pain go. She’s a Strong Black Woman who seems to have it all figured out, but her secret stays sealed in her heart. If you look into her eyes you will see she has a story to tell but you will only know it in parts.
The world knows that Black women are Strong women. To be honest, we are strong because of our need to survive, not always by choice. It’s unfortunate that sometimes our strength is a deterrent to the fulfillment of our deepest desire…to be loved and to be chosen.
Every year that our desire goes unfulfilled, we move closer to our deepest fear…loneliness.
If we are honest with ourselves, our deep fear of loneliness has penetrated our hearts and minds with so much force that we may suffer from symptoms of anxiety and depression. In Black women, anxiety and depression may reveal themselves as irritability and anger, which are closely related to the emotion of fear.
Some of us Black single women are afraid of our bodies being found in our home after decaying for days before someone notices that we are no longer around.
We are afraid of the silence that lingers in our home when our children are grown and have moved on with their lives.
We are afraid of rejection.
We are afraid of never being chosen.
If we dare to admit the truth, we are afraid of loneliness, because the pain of being alone like the other Black women in our lives seems too much to bear. We don’t want to be the single rich auntie forever who always comes to family dinners alone.
Unfortunately, our fear of loneliness prevents us from implementing healthy boundaries in our relationships. And our lack of boundaries oftentimes leaves us trapped in entanglements that seem to transfer into every connection we encounter.
As we age and reflect on our lack of love in relationships, we tend to compare our lives to our friends who are married. If you identify as a Black Single Woman, maybe you’ve asked yourself these questions in attempt to make sense of it all.
What did I do wrong?
What’s wrong with me?
Am I truly unlovable?
Is loneliness my destiny?
So, what does the Black Single Woman who has yet to be chosen do to fulfill her need for connection?
She chooses to connect with whomever will give her enough attention to fulfill her need, regardless of the toxicity.
Sometimes she finds herself choosing someone who needs her, and that individual is more than happy to suck the life out of her to meet their own needs. You know, the guy who’s always ready to tell her what she wants to hear but never keeps his promises. That’s right. He’s the guy who says he’s changed but always seems to break her heart time and time again. She stays because she’s afraid…afraid of loneliness. Unfortunately, her refusal to admit that she’s lonely even in the relationship binds her to toxicity.
Sometimes she chooses the guy who looks good enough for the night, simply because she’s afraid she won’t experience affection any other way. She would rather have a moment of false intimacy than be home alone.
Sometimes she chooses the guy who’s already in a relationship because he tells her how much he enjoys her company. She knows it’s wrong, and it goes against everything inside her telling her to run. But she’d rather communicate with another woman’s man because he’s giving her what she thinks she needs…time and attention.
Sometimes she chooses to isolate and refuses anyone who expresses a genuine interest in her because it feels safer to choose loneliness rather than loneliness to be her fate.
This deep fear of loneliness is universal as we all have a basic need for belonging. Don’t allow this fear to launch you into isolation or depression, or even a toxic relationship as a result of your anxious attachment style.
A lack of romance does not equate to a lack of belonging.
If you are struggling with knowing how to develop the healthy relationship you truly desire and find the love you want, I’d be happy to connect with you to show you how it can be done.
Dr. Leslie Davis, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Dr. Leslie Davis is a licensed counselor, relationship coach, mental health consultant, and podcaster. Using an Emotion-Focused approach, she empowers women and youth with tools to develop healthy connections. Her work with clients focuses on attachment styles, self-esteem, and empowering women to cope with anxiety and depression. As the Founder and Executive Director of Hearts in Faith, NFP Dr. Davis also brings awareness and addresses the needs of single mothers, single fathers, and youth in her community. You can find her podcast, She Matters with Leslie Davis, on various platforms including Apple and Spotify.