The Self-Compassion Gap and Why So Many Strong Women Still Struggle to Be Kind to Themselves
- 5 days ago
- 7 min read
Written by Lidija Poth, Transformational Coach
Lidija Poth is an AC-accredited transformational coach and founder of MyLifeCoachingHub, guiding women and leaders toward authentic living and relationship healing. With expertise in architecture, city planning, and TUDelft teaching, she facilitates transformative retreats and coaching for lasting freedom and joy.
“A woman who cannot be kind to herself will eventually burn out trying to prove her worth to a world that was never designed for her.” As a transformational coach, I see this paradox every day. Many women in the 21st century have already developed strong self-compassion and lead with remarkable resilience. At the same time, far too many highly capable, caring women still find it extremely difficult to offer themselves the same kindness and understanding they so freely give to others. This is not exclusively a women’s issue. Some men struggle with self-compassion as well, but the pattern is more pronounced and consequential for women due to longstanding cultural and systemic forces.
This theme surfaced clearly at the recent Women in Business MBA event at Rotterdam School of Management. Conversations about equal pay and taking space in leadership repeatedly returned to a deeper question: Why is self-compassion still so hard for so many strong women?
The roots: Generational conditioning and systemic bias
For generations, women worldwide have been socialised into a role of self-sacrifice. In her book "Fierce Self-Compassion," Kristin Neff describes how cultural norms have long taught women that their highest value lies in prioritising the needs of others, including partners, children, family, and community, often at the expense of their own.[1] This is not a personal failing. It is a deeply embedded social script.
Research on “silencing the self” by Jack and later researchers shows that traditional gender roles encourage women to suppress their own needs, feelings, and voices to maintain harmony and avoid conflict.[2] Over time, this becomes an automatic pattern: putting others first feels virtuous, while prioritising oneself feels selfish or dangerous.
These generational stigmas are reinforced by a second, equally powerful force: systemic bias. Medical research, clinical trials, workplace standards, and even many psychological models have historically been based primarily on male physiology and male experience. Women’s specific biology, including hormonal cycles, different stress responses, symptom presentation, and responses to medication, has often been treated as a variation of the male norm rather than a distinct reality.
Samira Rafaela addresses this directly in her book "Let’s Talk About Our Bodies."[3] When external systems do not fully recognise or support the female body and female experience, it becomes harder for women to trust and care for themselves internally. The message, spoken or unspoken, is that their needs are secondary.
Together, these old perspectives create a powerful chain of cause and effect: cultural expectations of self-sacrifice and systemic invisibility of female physiology lead to internalised self-criticism and guilt, which in turn contribute to lower self-compassion.
The impact of old behaviours and stigmas on self-compassion
A meta-analysis by Yarnell and colleagues found that men report slightly higher levels of self-compassion than women, with a small effect size of d = 0.18.[4] Later research by Yarnell and colleagues showed that gender role orientation, or how strongly someone identifies with traditionally masculine or feminine traits, explains more of this difference than biological sex alone.[5] In other words, socialisation plays a stronger role than biology.
What does this look like in practice? When a woman has been trained to put others first, she often develops a harsh inner critic to stay “good” and productive. Self-criticism activates the same threat system in the brain as an external attack. The amygdala, the brain’s alarm centre, becomes more reactive, while the prefrontal cortex, responsible for emotional regulation, perspective, and wise decision making, is partially taken offline.[6]
Chronic self-criticism keeps the body in a low-grade stress state, raises cortisol, and, over time, can contribute to burnout, anxiety, depression, and perfectionism.[7] The short-term cost is exhaustion, difficulty setting boundaries, and guilt when resting. The long-term cost is depleted resilience, reduced leadership presence, and a quiet erosion of joy. Old stigmas do not just shape behaviour. They shape the nervous system itself.
Kristin Neff’s framework: Three pillars that counter old patterns
Kristin Neff, a pioneer in self-compassion research, offers a clear and practical framework consisting of three interconnected elements.[1] Understanding these helps us see exactly where the gap lies for many women.
Self-kindness versus self-judgment: Instead of being harshly critical when we fail or struggle, we treat ourselves with warmth and understanding. Many women have internalised the belief that self-criticism is necessary to stay motivated. In reality, self-kindness creates safety and supports sustainable growth.
Common humanity versus isolation: This involves recognising that suffering and imperfection are part of the shared human experience rather than feeling alone in our struggles. Women often feel they must hide their difficulties to appear strong, which increases isolation and shame.
Mindfulness versus over-identification: This means holding our painful emotions in balanced awareness without being overwhelmed by or denying them. Many women tend to ruminate on or suppress emotions, making it harder to respond with compassion.
These three pillars directly challenge the old scripts of self-sacrifice and silence. They replace isolation with connection, judgment with kindness, and emotional overwhelm with presence.
Small but transformative steps: Why they work
Women in the 21st century are stronger, more aware, and more resilient than previous generations. The key is not to fight old patterns, but to approach them consciously and replace them with new ones supported by neuroscience and coaching practice.
Pause on purpose, with 60 to 90 seconds of conscious breathing several times a day: This simple act activates the parasympathetic nervous system via the vagus nerve, as described within Polyvagal Theory.[8] It can help reduce physiological stress and create a small window of choice between stimulus and reaction. Regular pausing supports nervous system regulation and can make self-kindness easier to practise.[7]
Speak to yourself with kindness: When the inner critic appears, ask: “Would I speak to a dear friend this way?” Brené Brown’s work on shame and vulnerability highlights the relationship between self-kindness, courage, and connection.[9] Research on emotional regulation and self-referential processing also suggests that kinder internal responses may help reduce habitual threat-based reactions over time.[6]
Honour your body’s unique signals: Instead of pushing through fatigue, hormonal shifts, or emotional cues, pause and ask: “What do I need right now?” This practice builds interoceptive awareness, the ability to sense internal body signals, which research links to emotional awareness and regulation.[10, 11] It also directly counters the male default bias in health standards by teaching you to trust your own physiology.
Permit yourself without guilt: Give yourself permission to take space, rest, or say no. This step challenges the generational stigma that self-care is selfish. Research on self-compassion has associated the practice with greater emotional resilience and life satisfaction, as well as lower levels of self-criticism and perfectionism.[12] Permission is not indulgence. It is the foundation of long-term capacity.
These steps are small, but when repeated consistently, they can create meaningful change through neuroplasticity. Over time, repeated patterns of thought, emotion, and behaviour can strengthen pathways associated with greater safety, kindness, and self-trust.
A new story is possible: The resilience of women
Women have always been incredibly resilient. Across generations, we have adapted, endured, carried communities, and kept systems running, often at great personal cost. Today, we stand at a decisive turning point.
We no longer need to accept the old perspectives that kept us small on the inside. By consciously practising self-compassion through self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness, we activate our innate resilience and create something new: a generation of women who lead from wholeness rather than self-sacrifice.
This is not only personal healing. It is a quiet revolution. When women choose self-compassion, they model a different kind of leadership: powerful yet kind, ambitious yet sustainable, strong yet deeply human. They break cycles for themselves, for their daughters, for their teams, and for the organisations they serve.
The gap is real, but so is our extraordinary capacity and our responsibility to close it. The future of leadership is not only more diverse. It is more compassionate, and it begins with how we treat ourselves.
Footage made by Michelle Muus Fotografie at Suitehotel Pincoffs, made possible by the PUT-IT-ON platform.
Read more from Lidija Poth
Lidija Poth, Transformational Coach
Lidija Poth is a certified transformational coach (OTHM, level 7) accredited by the AC (UK), founder of MyLifeCoachingHub. With two decades shaping urban environments as an architect, city planner, and educator/mentor at TUDelft, she now channels that strategic insight into empowering individuals, executives, high-intelligence professionals, and those recovering from toxic dynamics. Her co-creative approach builds deep trust to unlock personal freedom, authentic leadership, and joy. Through 1:1 coaching, programs, and immersive retreats in Bali and Croatia, she guides clients to reconnect with their true selves and thrive sustainably. Her mission is to ensure no one is left behind in their journey to becoming their best, most aligned version.
References:
[1] Neff, Kristin. Fierce Self-Compassion.
[2] Jack, D. C. (1991). Research on “silencing the self” and women’s suppression of needs, feelings, and voices.
[3] Rafaela, Samira. Let’s Talk About Our Bodies.
[4] Yarnell, L. M., et al. (2015). Meta-analysis examining gender differences in self-compassion.
[5] Yarnell, L. M., et al. (2018). Research examining gender role orientation and self-compassion.
[6] Davidson, R. J., & McEwen, B. S. (2012). Research relating stress, brain function, emotional regulation, and neuroplasticity.
[7] Neff, K. D., & Germer, C. K. (2013). Research on self-compassion training and psychological well-being.
[8] Porges, S. W. Research and theory relating to Polyvagal Theory and autonomic nervous system regulation.
[9] Brown, Brené. (2018). Work relating to shame, vulnerability, courage, and connection.
[10] Van der Kolk, B. (2014). Research and work relating to body awareness, trauma, and nervous system regulation.
[11] Farb, N. A. S., et al. Research on interoception and emotional awareness.
[12] Neff, K. D. (2011). Research and work on self-compassion, emotional resilience, wellbeing, and self-criticism.
