The Psychology of Narcissism and How to Maintain Inner Strength
- Brainz Magazine
- Jul 2
- 8 min read
Written by Phoebe Toft, Healing Journey Author & Coach
Phoebe Toft is an impactful author and coach, known for the poetry collection "Caught in Partner Violence", where she uses words to foster understanding and healing around complex issues like partner violence and narcissism.
As someone who has struggled to understand narcissism through personal experiences with close relationships, I have discovered that there is much more beneath the superficial label. Narcissism is not merely selfishness or self-absorption, but a complex psychology that can be explained through psychological, philosophical, and spiritual perspectives. My journey into the world of narcissism has opened my eyes to how these individuals develop and how we can relate to them without losing our own inner peace and authenticity.
How does a person become a narcissist?
Narcissism is often the result of a combination of genetics, upbringing, and early life experiences. It is important to understand that narcissistic behavior is not necessarily innate, but rather shaped by one's social environment. It often serves as a defense mechanism that develops in response to vulnerability or trauma. You may have heard from other experts that narcissists can often be recognized by their eyes, which may hide deep anger. While anger can be part of the healing process in early stages, narcissists tend to use this anger as a driving force to achieve their goals, often without regard for others.
Narcissism can be interpreted as a distorted pursuit of meaning and identity. According to philosophers like Plato, the human ego can become a trapped sphere where one seeks validation from others without finding it within oneself. A narcissist may experience a deep sense of emptiness and an inner lack of self-worth, which drives them to constantly seek external validation.
There is often a distorted self-perception, where the individual uses manipulation, charm, or superiority as a defense for a vulnerable core. The fear of rejection or of being "not good enough" is internalized early in life, creating an inner conflict that fuels many narcissistic traits.
Narcissists or those with high narcissistic traits have a diminished capacity to feel shame, which often leads to a fear of looking inward.
On a deep spiritual level, narcissism can be seen as a deviation from true self-awareness. When trapped in the illusion of the ego, one loses touch with one's deeper essence, the part of us connected to love, truth, and the universe. A narcissist may thus be someone who has lost connection with their spiritual self and seeks power or control through external validation. This often manifests as narcissistic spirituality, where individuals steal power and strength from others to gain control and influence.
Childhood influences
Many narcissists have experienced unbalanced upbringing conditions. For example, a child who has received excessive praise without real justification may develop an inflated sense of self-worth to maintain a sense of value. Conversely, children who have experienced a lack of love or recognition may overcompensate by appearing perfect or superior in order to hide inner insecurities.
Emotional vulnerability
Behind the narcissistic facade often lies a deep sense of emptiness, shame, or fear of rejection. To protect themselves from these painful feelings, narcissists constantly seek external validation, which becomes a way to keep their inner insecurities at bay.
Social and cultural factors
Society's focus on individualism, success, and external achievements can also play a significant role, particularly in fostering competitiveness, where we often hope for others' failure rather than their progress due to underlying insecurities. When we are rewarded for appearing successful or unique, it can become a habit for some to exaggerate their qualities in order to gain recognition, creating an endless thirst for approval. This behavior can, in turn, reinforce narcissistic traits.
In short, a person often becomes a narcissist through a combination of past experiences involving a lack of love and recognition, along with the internalization of these experiences. They develop a defense mechanism that provides a false sense of control and self-worth, while simultaneously hiding a vulnerable core that longs for healing and acceptance.
Understanding narcissistic behavior
When trying to understand why someone behaves narcissistically, it's important to remember the difference between judging their actions and genuinely trying to comprehend the reasons behind them. Judging might lead to anger or frustration, but understanding requires empathy and insight, which can be very challenging.
Narcissistic behavior is often a way for a person to cope with inner pain or vulnerability. It’s like a protective shield they create to hide their fragile self-esteem. This doesn’t mean we should accept harmful actions or excuses for hurtful behavior. Instead, by understanding that their actions come from a place of inner struggle, we can approach them with more compassion and emotional distance.
It might seem strange or even impossible to feel compassion for someone who has hurt you deeply. However, recognizing that their behavior stems from their own wounds doesn’t mean we should feel sorry for them in a way that excuses their actions. Rather, it helps us see that their actions are a result of their inner pain, and not just malicious intent. This understanding can give us strength and clarity in how we respond.
Practical strategies:
Set clear boundaries to protect your own well-being.
Understand that their behavior often has deep roots, and avoid internalizing their criticism or manipulation.
Focus on your personal growth through spiritual or reflective practices that enhance your inner peace and self-love.
World culture and its influence on narcissism
Our modern society plays a significant role in shaping and reinforcing narcissistic traits. Several factors contribute to this development:
Media and social platforms: The selfie culture, likes, and online validation make it a central part of identity to showcase oneself and seek recognition, rather than to inspire or create genuine influence. This can lead to excessive self-centeredness and a constant need for validation.
The culture's focus on individualism: Although individualism can promote independence, it can also foster a culture where worth is measured by achievements and material possessions, which may amplify narcissistic traits. It's not about how others see you, but how you see yourself.
The consumer society: The constant pursuit of new things and status symbols can foster a superficial self-image, where material possessions become an extension of the ego.
Why can narcissists unleash evil through pain, power, and control?
Narcissists are often driven by deep inner pain and a sense of emptiness, which they try to conceal behind a facade of superiority and authority. When this pain becomes unbearable, they often seek to restore their self-esteem by exerting control over others, leading to cynical and ruthless behavior. This pursuit of power becomes a way to reinforce their superficial self-image, but it does so at the expense of others' dignity and well-being.
This behavior can be compared to Zimbardo's Stanford experiment, where ordinary people lost empathy and became capable of cruelty when placed in a powerful and anonymous situation. Similarly, narcissists often see others as enemies, using this perception to protect their vulnerable inner selves. Both examples demonstrate how power, pain, and fear of vulnerability can cause individuals to lose empathy and act cynically or ruthlessly toward others.
When narcissists look down on others, they do so as a way to reinforce their own sense of superiority and power. This devaluation, along with the manipulations that often accompany it, can escalate into actions that are cold-blooded, ruthless, and lacking empathy, what we commonly refer to as evil. It is important to understand that this evil does not necessarily reflect inherent malevolence in the individual, but rather serves as a symptom of a deeply disturbed self-perception and a desperate attempt to escape their own pain.
Ultimately, this pursuit of power and control, driven by feelings of inadequacy and fear, can lead narcissists into a spiral of ruthlessness, where they lose the ability to see others as equally valuable human beings. The result is behavior that may appear as evil because it is characterized by a complete lack of empathy and respect for others’ lives and dignity.
Why is the narcissist attracted to confident and empathetic people?
A fascinating and often confusing aspect of narcissistic behavior is the types of people they seek to attract and manipulate. Many narcissists are particularly drawn to confident individuals, as they appear strong, independent, and self-assured. At the same time, they can also be attracted to empathetic people because these individuals have the ability to deeply feel and understand others' emotions. But why these specific types?
It's about mirroring and controlling emotions
Narcissists often seek to feel powerful and in control, which is why they are attracted to people who can provide them with a sense of superiority or validation. A confident individual can serve as a mirror, reflecting their desired self-image, giving them a feeling of being strong and unique.
At the same time, empathetic people are often capable of forming deep connections and offering genuine recognition. For a narcissist, this can feel like an opportunity to manipulate, obtain the validation they crave, or feel special through others' compassion.
It is a form of emotional manipulation
By choosing people who can either validate their image (the confident) or evoke certain feelings (the empathetic), the narcissist can control the dynamic of the relationship. They aim to make others feel what they desire or to use others' emotions to maintain their own self-perception.
How can we maintain our inner strength in a narcissistic culture?
It is a challenge to stay true to oneself when the world often rewards superficiality and egoism. Here are some guiding principles:
Know your values and set boundaries: Be clear about what matters to you, and don’t be afraid to say no when your boundaries are crossed.
Build a strong Inner self-esteem: Cultivate self-acceptance and take pride in your unique qualities, without letting others’ opinions define you.
Be critical of media and culture: Choose to engage with content that promotes authenticity, deep relationships, and self-awareness.
Seek genuine connections: Surround yourself with people who value empathy, respect, and authenticity, and who support your inner growth.
Practice self-care and reflection
Take time to tune into your feelings and needs so you can preserve your identity and prevent others’ demands from pulling you away from yourself.
It takes courage and self-respect to hold onto your inner core. It’s about protecting the true value within yourself and choosing genuine inner peace over external recognition. The question is: How can we all contribute to creating a culture where inner authenticity is valued more than outward image?
What does this mean for us?
It is important to understand that the narcissist is not interested in genuine connection, but rather in using others' feelings for their own purposes. Therefore, it is crucial to be aware of whom we open up to and to protect our own inner balance when confronted with such a dynamic.
Understanding the narcissist’s psychology is a journey through philosophy, psychology, and spirituality. Behind every narcissistic facade lies a person seeking healing and understanding. Our task is not only to protect ourselves but also to show compassion and demonstrate that true strength lies in recognizing the good in others, even when they are caught in their own pain. In this way, we can contribute to a more authentic and compassionate world.
Read more from Phoebe Toft
Phoebe Toft, Healing Journey Author & Coach
Phoebe Toft is a courageous author and coach who draws on her experiences from a violent relationship with a narcissistic partner. In her poetry collection 'Caught in Partner Violence', she uses words as healing tools to explore the dynamics of narcissistic relationships and raise awareness about trauma. With a spiritual approach to coaching, she aims to guide others toward inner strength and freedom. Phoebe is passionate about increasing understanding among society and professionals regarding the experiences of victims, as she believes that knowledge is crucial for healing.
