The Projection Trap – Why We Repeat What We Refuse to Own
- Brainz Magazine
- 5 days ago
- 4 min read
Updated: 3 days ago
Emma Abalogun is a Self-Leadership Coach, Speaker and creator of the RAM-R™ Method, empowering women to rise out of survival and into sovereignty through emotional responsibility and embodied leadership.
Every time you say yes when you mean no, stay silent when you want to speak, or seek approval over your own truth, you give away your power. Outsourcing your inner authority may feel safe, but it erodes self-worth, self-acceptance, and authentic confidence. Discover how to reclaim your voice, set boundaries, and lead with genuine strength.
It is subtle, convincing, and to the person projecting, it always feels real. That is why I call it a trap, we think we are seeing the truth about someone else, but often we’re only seeing the parts of ourselves we’ve disowned or are not willing to face. Once you’re caught in the cycle, it keeps you repeating the same dynamics without realizing you’re the common denominator.
Why projection happens
Psychologists have long recognized projection as a defense mechanism. It’s just one of the mind’s ways of protecting the ego from painful truths.[1] Modern research supports this theory, stating that when people are confronted with traits they dislike in themselves, they are more likely to perceive those same traits in others.[4] In the world of misery we live in today, there is a significant number of unhappy and insecure people constantly living in the land of projection.
This mechanism works as a form of self-preservation. If I can’t tolerate feeling insecure, I’ll “find” arrogance in others, which temporarily shields me from self-awareness. But that protection comes at a cost, what we don’t own, we repeat.
The cycle in action
You can spot the projection trap everywhere:
Relationships: Someone who struggles with self-worth accuses their partner of neglect while neglecting themselves.
Leadership: A manager doubting their competence micromanages, convinced that the team can’t be trusted.
Social media: People criticize influencers for being “fake,” while hiding behind curated versions of themselves.
The pattern is consistent, discomfort – projection – conflict – reinforced insecurity. Because the original discomfort never gets addressed (due to a lack of self-awareness), the loop strengthens itself.
Why we don’t notice when we project
Projection feels like truth. Our brains are wired with a tendency known as confirmation bias, which causes us to perceive information in ways that confirm our existing beliefs.[2] If I secretly believe I’m not good enough, I’ll consistently look for and interpret neutral behavior as rejection and “see” judgment everywhere I go.
In one study, participants who were asked to suppress negative traits in themselves became significantly more likely to rate others as having those same traits.[3] In other words, the harder we push away what we dislike in ourselves, the more it shows up in our view of the world.
How do we break the trap of projection?
The goal isn’t to eliminate projection, as it’s a natural part of being human. The power lies in recognizing it and then using it as a pathway back to your own authority. This is where the RAM-R™ Method becomes essential:
Reflection: Pause long enough to notice the mirror. Ask yourself: What part of me is being reflected in this trigger? Reflection helps you separate the story you’re projecting from the truth of what’s in front of you.
Awareness: Sit with the discomfort instead of outsourcing it. If the person disappeared, what feeling would still remain in you? Awareness is what interrupts the automatic cycle. Neuroscience reveals that naming and acknowledging emotions can reduce their intensity and activate the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain associated with rational decision-making.
Management: Reclaim responsibility for your reaction. Rather than blaming, explore: What does this reveal about me, and how can I respond differently next time? This step restores your agency and builds emotional regulation.
Repeat: Patterns don’t dissolve overnight. The more you return to Reflection, Awareness, and Management, the more you rewire your responses. Over time, projection shifts from an unconscious trap into a conscious teacher.
By cycling through RAM-R™, you don’t just manage projection, you transform it into a tool for sovereignty and self-leadership. Taking responsibility for your growth and owning the shadow parts of yourself matters. When leaders, parents, and communities stop projecting, dynamics change:
Leaders stop controlling and start empowering.
Parents stop shaming and start modeling.
Communities stop scapegoating and start healing.
At the personal level, the most significant gain is sovereignty. Sovereignty isn’t about controlling others but reclaiming authority over yourself. The less you outsource your discomfort onto others, the more power you have to respond rather than react.
Projection is universal. We all do it. The question isn’t if we project, but whether we’ll stay trapped or use it as an invitation for increased self-awareness. Because the qualities we reject in others often hold the keys to our own wholeness.
Read more at Emma Abalogun
Emma Abalogun, Self-Leadership Coach | Speaker
Emma Abalogun is a Self-Leadership Coach, Speaker, and creator of the RAM-R™ Method–a four-step framework designed to help women break free from survival patterns, projection cycles, and self-abandonment. Her work empowers individuals to lead with radical self-worth, emotional responsibility, and authentic power. Drawing from years of coaching experience and a deep understanding of identity, leadership, and legacy, Emma helps women reclaim their inner authority and become the kind of leader their life and work requires.
References:
[1] Freud, A. (1961). The Ego and the Mechanisms of Defense (C. Baines, Trans.). New York: International Universities Press. (Original work published 1926).
[2] Nickerson, R. S. (1998). Confirmation bias: A ubiquitous phenomenon in many guises. Review of General Psychology, 2(2), 175–220.
[3] Newman, L. S., Duff, K. J., & Baumeister, R. F. (1997). A new look at defensive projection: Thought suppression, accessibility, and biased person perception. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 72(5), 980–1001.
[4] Schimel, J., Pyszczynski, T., Greenberg, J., O’Mahen, H., & Arndt, J. (2003). Running from the shadow: Psychological distancing from others to deny characteristics people fear in themselves. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(4), 911–929.
