The Perfect-Imperfect Marriage — How to Crowd out of a Toxic Relationship or Situation
Written by: Francisca Ferreira, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Most little girls grow up dreaming not only of a perfect wedding day but a perfect marriage too. However, for many, as the marriage goes on, they start to see a shift in their “white picket fence” mentality.
When something bad happens in your marriage, all the beautiful things turn into nightmares. One starts to point the finger, and there is no more companionship, no more understanding, and worse, the abuse begins.
No, this is not me trying to be negative. I wish I were, but rather me being realistic as many marriages end up going down this path.
Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all be faithful to our partners, respect one another like we promised at the beginning of our relationship?
It begs the question, what makes a marriage take a wrong turn? Is it a lack of communication? Jealousy? Control?
I can’t answer that for you, but what I can do is ask you, what have you done to maintain your marriage? Have you done more than what you expected your partner to do? Are you supportive the way you would expect them to be?
Don’t get me wrong. Marriage is a very beautiful thing. Yet, a lot of people don’t know how to preserve the sanctity of their marriage.
Think of it this way; marriage is like a child. You must care for that child day and night. You must feed it with love and attention. You must warm it with hugs and kisses. You must hold it tight, and more importantly, you must remember that it takes two people to keep it alive.
A toxic relationship can be any situation with a lack of respect, a lack of communication or support. It's a relationship between two people who don’t get along, whether it be personally or professionally, it is still considered a toxic relationship.
A toxic marriage is characterized by ongoing unhealthy mental, physical, and emotional issues that are unresolved and fester into even bigger problems. Unfortunately, when this occurs, people are quick to use their children as a reason to stay, and this is WRONG.
After all, you're the one that chose to marry this person… When you met them, they were your everything… At the first beginning, it was just the two of you... You probably knew their good and bad traits...But you were afraid of leaving because you thought they would change… Maybe they wouldn't do it again…. And you find thousands of excuses to make them that perfect person that you once created in your head or that you want them to be….But they won't change BECAUSE THAT’S HOW THEY ARE... And because you accepted the way they were, they got comfortable… They will always find a way to turn the table around... Blame you for their toxic behaviors…. They’re always going to come out as the victim... And without even realizing it, you are living a toxic, unhappy life that you created for yourself... You were so in love that you missed all the red flags.
Just remember, your children have nothing to do with the father or mother you chose for them. That is a commitment you made yourself. It's your choice, not your kids, and they shouldn’t have to put up with a toxic relationship.
It's time for you to stop using your kids as an excuse for staying, for accepting the abuse, for putting up with this behavior. Yes, your kids deserve to grow up with their parents together, but in a happy, warm home filled with love, respect and support. Your kids shouldn’t have to carry your cross for the rest of their lives.
People in healthy relationships feel heard, understood, and respected. They believe that their partners care about how they feel. Those involved in a toxic relationship feel the complete opposite. One or both partners may feel unheard. They may feel that the other person doesn’t have their best interests at heart.
Can a toxic person change?
This is a very tricky question. A toxic person can change, but it's very unsure for how long it will last. It may be a forever change or maybe a week, month or year. You will never know until it happens again.
What is certain though, is that nothing anyone else does can change them. It won’t be a new city, a new child or anything else to fix a broken person. No matter what you do, it will always be explained away as someone else's fault. IT'S NEVER THEIR FAULT.
To identify the toxic person in your life, keep an eye out for these traits:
Toxic communication
Jealousy
Controlling behaviors
Resentment
Dishonesty
Disrespect
Negative financial behaviors
Lack of support
Being forced to do things you don't want to
If you notice signs of a toxic relationship, you can take action by doing the following:
Communicate with a person you trust and feel safe with.
Reconnect with family and friends who care and lean on them for support.
Write down all the pros and cons of your relationship. While doing so, think about the kids. Is this the kind of behavior you want them to see and feel?
Don't mistake addiction for love (this is tricky because, neurochemically speaking, the two are very similar).
Rebuild yourself by finding some joy (take long drives to clear your head or join your local gym).
Along the way, be sure to remind yourself of the following too:
Nothing lasts forever, not even the pain.
A broken heart will heal, but broken trust takes longer to mend.
Once you open up to new opportunities, you’ll realize the small things that were holding you back.
Whether you want to stay in the relationship or get out, it’s important to stay firm with your decision. Handling the situation will require hard work and action. It may not be easy, but it can be better than where you are standing right now.
Why people choose to stay:
The toxic person makes you believe it's your fault.
They believe they can fix the issue.
They forget that relationships are a two-way street.
They are afraid of what other people are gonna say.
They don’t feel confident enough to start over again
They are often confused or unsure of what’s happening.
They blame themselves.
If you choose to stay:
Don’t excuse his or her bad behavior.
Set boundaries.
Remember, you are not an object to be abused.
Ignore bad relationship advice.
Don’t compare your relationship to others.
Reconnect with loved ones.
Find a hobby or something that makes you happy.
Build your career, so you have financial independence.
If you choose to go:
Own your decision and stick to it.
Don’t pay any mind to the “gossip.”
Remember why you chose to end the relationship. You took your time to make a careful decision. You probably suffered longer than you needed to.
Forgive yourself for any regrets.
Forgive the other person but don't forget what he made you go through.
Francisca Ferreira, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Francisca Ferreira received her certification in Health & Wellness from the Institute of Integrative Nutrition in New York City. She completed a series of courses focusing on coaching people through stress management, career decisions, lifestyle changes, sleep issues, eating disorders, holistic healing, and most recently, Hormone Health. By 2021, Francisca is getting her specialization in Hormone health, focusing on improved digestion, increased libido, relief from PMS symptoms, enhanced focus and clarity and stabilized blood sugar, weight management, and infertility, and more.
Francisca is dedicated to motivating and inspiring women to better care for themselves, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Francisca has plans to open up her own Nutrition & Wellness Center soon to provide a safe place for those who want to be healed from the inside out using her holistic approach. As the founder of Bloom Holistic Wellness & Nutrition, She does not diagnose, nor does she treat. Francisca provides a safe space for people to explore the different ways they can improve all aspects of their health.
