The Myth of Balance – What I’m Learning About Boundaries
- Brainz Magazine
- 9 hours ago
- 4 min read
Karmen Fairall is a Speech Pathologist and reflective practitioner exploring sustainable leadership, boundaries, and wellbeing in helping professions. Drawing on lived experience, faith-informed values, and professional insight, she writes to support people who serve others in demanding roles.
For a long time, I thought I was good at goals, just not very good at boundaries. As a clinician, I was trained to think carefully about outcomes, set goals, measure progress, review what was working, and adjust when it wasn’t. That way of thinking felt natural and familiar. I’ve always loved goal setting, the clarity, the direction, the sense of purpose it brings.
What I wasn’t taught, however, was how to apply that same evaluative lens to myself.
So when I set goals for my own life, whether around work, health, rest, or family, they were often based on an ideal version of me rather than a realistic one. They didn’t adequately account for the season I was in, the limits on my time and energy, or the reality of having two young boys at home who need me in very real and physical ways.
Unsurprisingly, those goals were hard to sustain. And when I couldn’t meet them, I didn’t question the system. I questioned myself.
Why boundaries feel so hard
Boundaries often get framed as a confidence issue, or a communication issue, or even a personality flaw. But I’ve come to see that for many helpers, boundaries feel hard because we’ve been conditioned to prioritise outcomes over capacity, especially when those outcomes involve other people.
When we don’t put boundaries in place, something predictable happens: everyone else gets served first, and we come last. Not intentionally, but consistently.
Research on boundaries by psychologists Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend reframes boundaries not as rejection or control, but as responsibility. Their work emphasises that healthy boundaries clarify what we are responsible for and what we are not, which is essential for sustainable functioning in relationships and work.
For people wired to care, this blurring of responsibility can feel normal, even virtuous. Until it starts to cost too much.
When boundaries are misunderstood
One of the most surprising things I’ve learned is that boundary-setting often feels hardest not because of the boundary itself, but because of how others respond to it.
I’ve noticed that when I begin to name limits around time, energy, or availability, those closest to me sometimes interpret it as a personal slight. As though the boundary must be about them, or something they’ve done wrong, rather than an attempt to preserve my own wellbeing.
That reaction can stir guilt quickly, especially if you’re wired to please, to help, and to deliver for others. It’s easy to second-guess yourself in those moments and retreat back to
over-giving, simply to restore harmony.
Cloud and Townsend note that when boundaries are first introduced, resistance is common, particularly in systems where over-functioning has been normalised. This resistance does not necessarily signal wrongdoing, but adjustment.
Those who care enough will often grow to understand. And sometimes, the discomfort says more about another person’s insecurity than about the appropriateness of your boundary.
Boundaries as a practice, not a personality trait
I’m learning that boundaries aren’t something you either “have” or “don’t have.” They’re a practice one that takes repetition, grace, and time.
This aligns with broader psychological research on burnout, which shows that chronic role overload and lack of recovery time, rather than individual weakness, are key contributors to emotional exhaustion. In other words, boundaries are not a personality fix, they are a protective mechanism.
For those of us who’ve spent years prioritising others, building boundaries can feel like using an underdeveloped muscle. It aches. It wobbles. And it requires patience with ourselves as we strengthen it.
Boundaries aren’t about shutting people out. They’re about creating enough safety and space within ourselves so that we can show up with integrity, consistency, and care over the long term.
Two practices to begin with
Baseline practice: Evaluate goals through the lens of capacity
Before setting a new goal, pause and ask:
What season am I actually in right now?
What is realistic given my current energy, responsibilities, and supports?
Does this goal require me to override my limits to achieve it?
If the answer is yes, the goal may need adjusting, not because you’re incapable, but because sustainability matters.
Reaching practice: Name one boundary without justification
Choose one small boundary this week and practise stating it clearly, without over-explaining or apologising. This might sound like:
“I can’t take that on right now.”
“That doesn’t work for me at the moment.”
“I need to think about that before committing.”
Notice what comes up internally, the guilt, the urge to soften it, the desire to backtrack and remind yourself that boundaries are not punishments. They are protections.
A final reflection
Balance, I’m learning, isn’t something we achieve once and hold onto. It’s something we continually negotiate with ourselves first.
Boundaries don’t mean you care less. Often, they mean you care enough to want to keep going.
And sometimes, the most responsible thing we can do isn’t to give more but to stop long enough to ask what it will take to remain whole.
Continue the conversation
I’m currently in a season of slowing down and exploring how faith, frameworks, and reflective practice can support more sustainable leadership and service, particularly in helping professions.
If this reflection resonated with you, I invite you to stay connected and follow my journey on LinkedIn, where I’ll continue to share insights as this work develops.
Read more from Karmen Fairall
Karmen Fairall, Speech Pathologist, Reflective Practitioner
Karmen Fairall is a Speech Pathologist and business owner with experience across allied health, service-based leadership, and caregiving roles. Her writing explores burnout, cognitive load, boundaries, and sustainable leadership in helping professions.
In this season, she is intentionally slowing down to reflect on how faith, frameworks, and systems can support healthier ways of serving others. Through her work, she seeks to help people lead and live with clarity, compassion, and care.
References:
Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992). Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. Zondervan.
Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (2017). Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition. Zondervan.
Maslach, C., & Leiter, M. P. (2016). Burnout. Wiley International Encyclopedia of Management.
