The Key to Enjoying Time Away From Our Kids Without the Guilt
- Brainz Magazine
- 2 hours ago
- 7 min read
Written by Amy Spofford, Pre & Postnatal Coach
Amy Spofford is well-versed in pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and mom life. She is the founder of Eat What Feels Good, LLC, a platform promoting healthy preparation for and healing from birth so new moms can enjoy their little ones.
Leaving children in the care of one parent is a normal part of everyday life for most families. Work trips, kid-free vacations, hospitalizations, and family obligations are some of the events that require someone else to pick up the slack. What I have learned by parenting through these scenarios and observing others do the same is that when it’s the primary parent who is leaving, it is significantly more stressful. There can be guilt, anxiety, and even regret for planning the trip to begin with. It begs the question of whether these negatively charged emotions are a foregone conclusion of being separated from our babies, or if we have the power to quell them and actually enjoy our time away.
The mental load of parenting
It’s normal to miss the kids when you're away, but the feelings around these familial separations are far more complicated for some. Forgive me while I make some heteronormative generalizations because they are rooted in truth for a large portion of couples. Moms tend to be the bearer of the mental load of parenting, which means they take on much of the planning, scheduling, and other invisible tasks of the household. As a result, it may be harder for moms to leave said family for any period of time while maintaining the efficiency of the operation. This is part of a wider issue of parental communication and delegation of duties, and it will depend on each family's employment and financial status, among other factors. Regardless, moms who want to (or have to) get away for any stretch of time may find themselves putting in extra work to plan ahead in order to make things easier or run more smoothly for whomever is put in charge in their absence.
This extra planning may include but is not limited to stocking up on groceries, packing lunches ahead of time, setting up babysitters, rides, or play dates, enlisting other family members to help, and even planning outfits for the little ones. Moms do these things for multiple reasons. Not only does it give them peace of mind to provide a more fool-proof routine while they're away, but it takes some of that mental load transfer off their partner or whomever is placed in charge. It is thoughtful, but it makes me wonder: Do husbands do any such prep work before they leave? Do they think about how their partner will fare in their absence, or are they free as a bird to enjoy their guys' weekend or to focus on their work? I believe the overwhelming majority fall into the latter category, and I also believe the antidote is equal partnership. If both parents were adequately informed and in tune with the needs and responsibilities of the household, leaving would be equally effortless.
Too anxious to enjoy and have fun
Many moms need and enjoy getaways without their children. Even once a year, it feels good to laugh with friends while enjoying adult beverages and not watching our language. When I go on girls' trips or even a meal away from the family, I try to make the most of it and soak it in, knowing logically that feeling guilty will only detract from the benefits of the time away. However, for many of us the anxiety and guilt can be overwhelming. With the ability to be constantly connected virtually, moms often spend at least a portion of their time away fielding texts, phone calls and video chats from their spouses and children, further supporting the underlying suspicion that they cannot, in fact, survive without us.
How can we break the dependence on mom?
We've addressed the issues at hand, the biggest of which being that moms are so inherently essential to the effective functioning of a household that it makes getting away nearly impossible without extensive and careful planning. What we cannot forget in the meantime is the infantilization of men and the learned helplessness that both parties allow. In an equal partnership, both parents would be able to handle the basics of a weekend away without placing so much extra effort on just one of them. This does not mean that our regular responsibilities necessarily need to change, but rather basic briefing on each other’s duties would be helpful. Both parents need access to the family calendar. Both parents need to know how to make lunches, give baths, enlist help from the family's village, and cook or otherwise obtain sustenance for the children. At the heart of this is communication, and it helps if it is accompanied by the genuine interest and effort from the secondary parent. Out-of-the-box thinking, problem solving when things go awry, and the ability to find items within the home cannot fall on one person. It’s possible that if moms got away more, the issue of learned helplessness could be more frequently confronted and addressed.
Learning to adapt
It's not a wild assumption to say that most parents appreciate time away to relax and recharge. To do that in ways that benefit all family members, we can make preparing for those times a part of our daily life. Leaving on planned trips is one thing, but we all know that grandparents get sick and other emergencies arise that require quick adaptation of schedules with one parent shouldering the responsibilities. The more capable both parties are, the easier family life will be and the more adaptable both parents and children will become. Instilling in our kids the knowledge that they can rely on both of their parents to usher them through their routines and adapt to change is a valuable example to set for them.
Open communication between partners could include the setting of expectations from both parties and hearing one another's perspectives on the roles of the household. I am not here to say I know what works for individual families, but for those struggling with this very issue, these conversations are a great start.
Generosity between partners pays off
Maybe this is all just too easy for me to say as one half of an equal partnership. I admit that I do not know what it's like to bear sole responsibility for the household most of the time. But as an insider to a life of easy send-offs, low-guilt kid-free time, and sweet reunions without emotional baggage, the effort it takes is well worth it. Helping one another in this way will not only benefit the children (by parents returning ostensibly recharged), but it will benefit marriages as well.
Many parents don’t even bother to plan trips or meals away from the family because the proverbial juice wouldn’t be worth the squeeze. With the right foundation in place, though, requesting time away with friends will carry far less resentment, worry, guilt, and effort. Each couple will have to find the communication approach that works for them, but the effort pays dividends.
Being able to pack and leave knowing that everything will be fine in our absence is the key to enjoying that time away. It means being able to place full trust in our partners, relax our worries, and focus on the reason we made these plans in the first place. It means knowing our significant others care about our mental, emotional, and physical well-being enough to give us breaks without added stress. It’s a level of relief that makes us so grateful for a generous spouse to come home to, and as a result it fosters good will within the partnership.
Honoring each other’s needs
If there is an understanding that, barring scheduling conflicts, time away is an expected right and valid need for each parent, then each partner will do what they can to accommodate the other’s plans. It can really be that simple.
In the end, it comes down to focusing on our core values and honoring them. Friendships outside of our immediate family are extremely important. We are not solely parents and spouses, but rather we have interests and needs that may be best fulfilled with people other than one another. When our kids are grown, we’d like to have maintained a social network that includes hobbies and people with whom we can spend even more time once our children have left the nest. We want to set a precedent for our kids that maintaining adult friendships matters and that considering the needs of both parents is paramount to a healthy marriage.
I love getting together with my friends. Being able to occasionally do it without the kids allows me to be fully present and remember the fun, non-mom aspects of my personality that got me those friends in the first place. What I want is for moms to be able to enjoy their kid-free time without the tentacles of guilt and anxiety constantly trying to grab hold of their fleeting freedom. What I want for moms everywhere is to be part of an equal partnership.
Read more from Amy Spofford
Amy Spofford, Pre & Postnatal Coach
Amy Spofford is a Pre & Postnatal Coach, a Nutritional Therapy Practitioner, and a mom of three little ones. Practicing as a speech-language pathologist in a nursing home rehab setting during a pandemic made pregnancy and early parenthood beyond difficult. Amy used her holistic nutrition certification and research skills to dive deep into all things pregnancy, birth, and postpartum, thinking there has to be a better way to navigate this season of life. This led to her becoming certified as a Pre & Postnatal coach. Her mission is to reduce the incidence of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders by providing education and support to pregnant women through their transition into postpartum.
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