The Invisible Divorce – Losing Each Other Without Leaving
- Brainz Magazine
- 6 days ago
- 6 min read
Hendrien is an Imago Relationship Therapist and founder of Start Right, helping couples rebuild connection, communicate with compassion, and live their relationships with greater passion and purpose.
Disconnection in a relationship rarely announces itself loudly. There isn’t always a big fight, a betrayal, or a clear moment where everything changes. More often, couples begin to lose each other quietly while still sharing a home, a bed, a life. This is what we call the “invisible divorce.”
It unfolds in ordinary moments that are easy to dismiss, easy to explain away, and even easier to normalize. Nothing looks “wrong” from the outside. And yet, something essential slowly slips out of reach.
I notice these moments all the time. Not because I’m searching for what’s broken, but because patterns have a way of revealing what words don’t.
This isn’t about blame or diagnosis. It’s about bringing awareness to what often goes unnoticed. Because what we can notice, we can gently shift before distance becomes a way of life.
Disconnection is usually subtle, not dramatic
Most couples don’t come to therapy because of one single event. They come because something feels off, even if they can’t quite name it. Quiet disconnection often hides behind everyday explanations.
Everyone is tired. Everyone has phones. Everyone has busy seasons. And all of that is true.
The problem isn’t any one behavior on its own. It’s when certain moments start appearing together, again and again, until distance becomes the background of the relationship.
What quiet disconnection often looks like in real life
These are some of the small, easily missed signs I notice when couples are emotionally drifting, not intentionally, not maliciously, just gradually.
Being on phones without really leaving them
Both partners are on their phones. Not checking something specific, just staying there.
John Gottman refers to everyday moments of attention, eye contact, and response as bids for connection. These bids are small attempts to say, “Are you here with me?” When phones consistently replace responsiveness, bids often go unanswered, not because partners don’t care, but because presence has quietly shifted elsewhere.
You can learn more about Gottman’s concept of bids for connection here.
Talking without shared joy
Conversation is happening. But there’s no laughter.
Words are exchanged, logistics are covered, updates are given, yet something light, playful, or connective is missing. Esther Perel writes about how modern couples often prioritize efficiency and responsibility while intimacy slowly thins out. In Mating in Captivity, she explores how connection doesn’t disappear because of conflict, but because vitality, curiosity, and aliveness quietly fade.
You can explore Esther Perel’s work on intimacy and desire in long-term relationships here.
Sitting close, feeling far
You’re next to each other. But there’s space between your bodies. Physical proximity doesn’t automatically create emotional closeness. Without intentional presence, even shared spaces can feel lonely.
The absence of casual touch
No hand on a knee. No quick squeeze. No unconscious reach. Touch is one of the earliest forms of safety we learn. When it disappears, it’s often not because affection is gone, but because emotional safety has become uncertain.
Humor that carries an edge
The jokes sound harmless. But they land a little sharp. This is often where unspoken tension leaks out sideways. Humor becomes a shield instead of a bridge.
One talking, one elsewhere
One partner is speaking. The other is looking around the room.
Thich Nhat Hanh often spoke about the art of conscious presence, how being truly present with another person is one of the deepest forms of love. Not listening to reply. Not listening while distracted. But listening as an act of devotion.
You can read more about Thich Nhat Hanh’s teachings on mindful presence and deep listening here.
Moving through the motions on autopilot
Waking up. Getting ready. Sorting lunches. Replying to messages. Making dinner. Tidying up. Going to bed. Everything gets done. Life keeps moving. On the surface, it looks like teamwork. But nothing is really felt.
When couples spend long periods in survival mode, presence slowly becomes optional. Conversations become functional. Touch becomes efficient. Togetherness turns into coordination. And without realizing it, partners start living alongside each other rather than with each other.
Autopilot is not a failure. It is often a sign of exhaustion, responsibility, or overwhelm. But when it becomes the default way of relating, the connection does not break dramatically. It fades quietly.
And what is lost is not the relationship itself, but the felt sense of being emotionally together inside it.
Rare eye contact, little turning toward each other
Eyes don’t meet often. Bodies rarely orient toward one another. Gottman describes turning toward as one of the strongest predictors of relational health. These small movements, a glance, a nod, a soft orientation, are where connection lives and repairs itself.
Why these small moments matter
None of these behaviors means a relationship is failing. But when many of them show up together, repeatedly, they often point to emotional disconnection, not the dramatic kind, but the slow, almost invisible kind.
This kind of distance usually isn’t caused by a lack of love. It’s caused by stress, adaptation, unspoken hurt, exhaustion, and the gradual loss of presence.
Noticing without blame is the first step back
This isn’t about labeling your relationship. It’s not about deciding something is wrong. It’s about awareness. Because once something is noticed, it becomes a choice point. Awareness creates options. And options create movement.
In Imago work, we don’t start with fixing. We start with noticing patterns gently and without judgment, because safety is what allows connection to return.
A gentle question to sit with
If you slowed down and really watched your own relationship, without defending it, without criticizing it, which of these would you recognize first? Not to panic. Not to accuse. Just to notice. Because quiet disconnection doesn’t mean the end. It usually means something is asking to be seen.
Start reconnecting on purpose
You don’t need a crisis to begin reconnecting. You don’t need a label or a diagnosis. Sometimes the most meaningful shifts begin with presence, choosing to turn toward each other again intentionally, gently, and with care.
Why I refuse to help couples settle for unconscious disconnection
I do this work because I don’t believe disconnection is something couples should simply learn to tolerate. Many relationships don’t end in crisis. They end in quiet resignation. Partners adjust. They lower expectations. They stop reaching. They make peace with a distance they can feel but no longer question. And from the outside, everything looks fine. But inside, something vital goes missing.
Unconscious disconnection slowly teaches people to abandon parts of themselves. To speak less honestly. To touch less freely. To feel less deeply. Over time, this doesn’t just affect the relationship, it affects how alive a person feels in their own body and inner world.
I help couples because I believe relationships are meant to be places where aliveness is restored, not diminished.
Noticing these small patterns isn’t about fixing or blaming. It’s about bringing what’s unconscious into awareness so choice becomes possible again. When disconnection is named gently and met with presence, couples don’t just learn how to get along, they learn how to come back to themselves and to each other.
I don’t help people simply survive relationships. I help them reclaim connection, safety, and vitality. Because when two people are awake, present, and emotionally available, love doesn’t have to be chased. It emerges naturally, again and again.
If you’d like support in learning how to do this in a way that feels safe and sustainable, you’re welcome to explore my work or book a session through my website.
Connection isn’t lost overnight. And it doesn’t return overnight either. But it does return when it’s noticed, invited, and nurtured.
Read more from Hendrien van der Bijl
Hendrien van der Bijl, Imago Relationship Therapist
Hendrien is an Imago Relationship Therapist and the founder of Start Right, a practice dedicated to helping couples rebuild connection and communicate with greater compassion. She specializes in guiding partners through conflict patterns, emotional disconnection, and the deeper dynamics that shape intimate relationships. Her work blends clinical training with practical, heart-centered tools that make healing accessible and real. Through her courses, sessions, and writing, she teaches couples how to understand each other with curiosity rather than defensiveness. Hendrien’s mission is simple, to help people live their relationships with intention, presence, and passion.
