The Hidden Cost of Blame and How Engaging in It Destroys Years of Your Life
- 1 day ago
- 8 min read
Patrick McNeil is an actor and professional wrestler who has taken time beyond the slate and between the ropes to build unshakable confidence from within, and help you build it too. Through a bold and authentic demeanor.
Do you ever think of the reasons why you are who you are? Most people think they were never “A” because someone or something never provided “B.” This is the hidden cost of blame in action, and most of us do this every day on autopilot. Silently. Still suffering from our fragmented pasts.
Not moving forward in our present moment. Blame feels good because it gives us a quick sense of relief. A temporary escape from the burning discomfort, and someone or something is held temporarily responsible for why we’re feeling that way. Keeping us in a pattern of blame that comes with a great psychological cost, one that often goes unnoticed until deeply ingrained in our psyche.
I used to blame a lot of things for why I wasn’t at a place in my life I wanted to be. Why I wasn’t attractive. Why I didn’t get gigs or roles that I wanted. And I’ve come to terms with the fact that it was all bullshit in the end. It was all just limited beliefs, and me putting ceilings on things, because in the end I am responsible. In this article, I’m going to break down why we blame, the damage it does to our mental health, and how we can take back control through my experiences of overcoming it.
My history in blame
Growing up, I would look all around me and see why certain people had certain things and wonder why I didn’t. Certain talents, wit, or even material goods like the latest toy, magazine, or some shit. I wouldn’t understand why certain people could do math quicker than I or always get straight A’s when I was a fucking C or D student. Or seeing some of the other kids' athletic talent in gym class would “make” me jealous, too. “How come they can run 100 meters faster than I?” I would ask. Or “How does he lift that much weight?”
I would blame my own circumstances, like not being able to be in certain classes or do certain extracurricular things like some other kids were doing in elementary school. I’d also blame the teachers for playing favorites and not taking their time with me when I never even asked for it. I’d blame myself for not having “innate” talents and feel comfortable within my fucking blame until high school, where my blaming shifted in other areas. I’d blame the jocks for having “innate” talent to get all the pretty gals. Getting invited to all the parties when my friends and I were not.
My group of friends tried to go our own way by making skateboarding and stunt videos. Although those were some of the greatest times in my life, I still blamed a lot of outside circumstances for why I was the way I fucking was. I would constantly blame outside circumstances until my late 20’s. I was gaslit a lot by ex-friends and girlfriends as to what blame actually fucking was. So, I did my own research and gained a lot of information about it. I found a lot of interesting points over the years and now understand what blame is for and why we use it.
Why we blame (psychology behind it)
Blame isn’t some random fucking thing that we do. At its core, blaming others helps us avoid uncomfortable emotions like our own guilt, shame, or fear. It temporarily relieves our self-image and helps maintain some sense of control within us, even if it’s an illusion. Our brains are wired to prefer short-term emotional relief over some kind of long-term growth. So, when we blame, it provides instant relief. In the background, though, this creates a dangerous fucking pattern.
Instead of asking ourselves, “What can I do differently?” our default wiring goes to “Who or what caused this shit?” Over time, this will shift our mindset from taking ownership to being helpless. Blame doesn’t just affect our mindsets; it can reshape our emotional and behavioral patterns in almost every damn aspect of our lives.
What blame does over time
Although blaming feels good in the moment, it destroys our mental health over time. It reinforces a victim fucking mentality, and when we reinforce that victim mentality, we train our brain to see ourselves as someone who things happen to. Rather than someone who can influence their own outcomes. When you tell yourself things happen “to you,” you’re acting as if life controls you.
If this were true, then I don’t think a lot of people would have changed the world or even become successful due to the intense victim mentality most of us have experienced. What you have gone through is unique because it’s your own experience from your perspective, and it's valid. Although it is not a special event, and you were not the only person who ever went through it in the history of mankind. Blame keeps you stuck in the past, and it anchors your attention to what already happened in your fragmented memory. Instead of moving forward and trying to live presently, we tend to replay what someone did. What we believe should have been so much fucking different.
Justify why what happened to us was “unfair.” Then this loop fuels anxiety, depression, resentment, and emotional exhaustion. We stay in a place where the person or thing we’re blaming isn’t or even knows we are there. Our power is given away to whatever we blame, and whatever we are blaming doesn’t even know they’re holding that power most of the time. Blame takes away your personal power. The more you externalize control, the less capable you will feel.
Like if you keep saying to yourself, “I can’t succeed because of my situation,” the bastard blame will create defensiveness, disconnection, and block your personal growth and results. Within yourself and all your fucking relationships. If your blame is left unchecked, it can shape your entire life trajectory.
Leading to things such as chronic dissatisfaction, increased stress, or lack of progress in your career or goals. It can create a deep sense of frustration without clarity on why, because you’re stuck in its loop. Blame is so deceptive because it often feels justified, like eating an entire gallon of ice cream to feel better, but it’s quietly holding you back in the background of your life.
The shift
When you break the blame loop, it doesn’t mean ignoring real challenges or pretending that everything in your life is your fault. It’s actually just a subtle shift. It’s asking yourself a question rather than succumbing to your default state. Instead of “Why did this happen to me?” you start asking, “How can I move forward from this shit?” In the end, another person’s actions, whether they know what they are doing or not, are out of your control. The fact of the matter is, people fucking lie. People cheat. People deceive others and those they truly love.
These factors of people have nothing to do with you and everything to do with themselves and the reflection that they cast into the present from within. Shifting from blame to living presently is a practice. It will require a lot of practice, consistency, and attention to detail because everybody on earth operates differently. A start would be to try to notice when blame pops up. For example, you feel you can’t do something because of your situation. You must be aware of your blame to catch the thought. It’s the first fucking step.
Once you do, take a second to reframe, question it. Ask things like “How can I reframe this?” Or “Am I reacting or responding?” besides blaming. This will start interrupting your automatic reactions. The more the pattern is interrupted, the weaker it fucking becomes. Taking full responsibility for your life is the key to a successful shift in blame. Taking responsibility doesn’t mean making yourself at fault. It just means choosing your response. Deciding your next move.
Taking control of what’s within your own fucking reach. In the end, you direct your own life, whether you believe that or not. If you feel someone controls you and makes choices for you, you are letting them. Period. You are the creator of your own reality. Your perception is like no other and malleable like everyone else's. As Swiss psychiatrist, philosopher, and author Carl Jung said: “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life, and you will call it fate.” YOU are the creator of your own fate. Not time, space, or outside circumstances. You are shaped by your choices, and you are the catalyst to every situation you have ever been in your entire fucking life.
Conclusion
The more you focus on solutions rather than your stories or problems, the more you will shift your attention. Reverting your blame loops to what can be improved, what can be learned, and what actions, feelings, and thoughts will move you forward. It is highly recommended that we train our minds to look inward for direction rather than outward for our personal fucking excuses. Over time, this will build confidence, authenticity, resilience, and emotional stability.
You may be asking, “This is all great, Patrick, but what if we blame ourselves and think it's all our fuckin fault?” Well, blaming yourself might feel like accountability, although most of the time it’s a self-attack dressed up as responsibility. Unlike healthy ownership, self-blame traps you in shame and guilt instead of moving you forward. You may feel that everything was your fault, but you can fix it. Or if you judge yourself first, then your blame is justified, and everyone just fucking agrees with your conclusion. In the end, this is just lowering your confidence, your self-trust, authenticity, increasing your anxiety, and enhancing shame, holding you back from taking any future risks.
You’re already labeling yourself as something, and people will fucking run with that. Show yourself some fucking respect. Like I always say, no risk, no fuckin reward. You can’t blame yourself for being ignorant in your past. You have no new information that you didn’t know then. You have new information now. We all make mistakes, and they are lessons to be learned. Not failures to be smothered and crippled by. Blame is super easy. Taking ownership and responsibility is powerful but also difficult for most people.
Every time you choose responsibility over blame, you reclaim a piece of your mental fucking clarity and power back. Your authenticity and confidence. Your ability to shape your life in the direction you want to bring it. It's very important. External factors will always exist, but the real question is, are you willing to take back control of how you respond to these external factors?
Because once you solidify your responses, real change begins. In one direction or the other. The stop to blaming the external begins when you start reflecting and reframing your internal and owning it all.
Read more from Patrick McNeil
Patrick McNeil, Actor, Professional Wrestler, and Confidence Mentor
Actor and professional wrestler Patrick McNeil is a powerful voice for confidence and authenticity. Growing up, Patrick struggled deeply with self-belief, facing repeated hardships and frustrating patterns he couldn’t explain, cycles that seemed to follow him into every situation. Everything began to shift when he discovered the universal laws that govern us all, whether we are conscious of them or not. Beyond the slate and between the ropes, he has devoted much of his life to helping outsiders and those struggling within uncover their true power. He is the creator of The Confident Mental Head, a brand that helps people become comfortable, confident, and fully aligned in their own skin through neuroplasticity.
