The Eyes Between Us – Understanding Cultural Misunderstandings in Eye Contact
- Brainz Magazine
- 3 days ago
- 7 min read
Updated: 3 days ago
Written by Lindy Lelij, Founder of Mpowerme Coaching
Lindy Lelij is the founder of Mpowerme Coaching. With more than 30 years of leadership and international experience, she helps people navigate migration, cultural transitions, and identity to thrive personally and professionally.
If you’ve ever travelled abroad, joined a multicultural team, or even participated in an online meeting spanning continents, you’ve likely felt it, that subtle, uneasy awareness of where to look. Should you meet someone’s eyes to show interest? Should you glance away to signal respect?
Eye contact, simple as it seems, is a silent language. One gaze can build trust, while another can unintentionally create distance or tension.
In my work here in New Zealand, I see this all the time. A moment of eye contact – or the lack of it – can shift how people perceive confidence, sincerity, or even kindness. It can influence whether we feel heard, respected, or dismissed. Eye contact is more than a glance, it’s a mirror reflecting culture, personality, and context. Yet, it’s often misunderstood, and those misunderstandings can ripple through communication, collaboration, and a person’s sense of belonging.
The science behind the gaze
Previous research on humans has shown that gaze is linked to expressions of dominance, power, or aggression, as well as signals of affiliation and support. The affiliative functions of gaze begin early in life, as infants look to adults for care, comfort, and protection.
From these early beginnings, gaze becomes a deeply embedded social signal, one that can express connection or control. Aggression and affiliation are crucial for maintaining social harmony and group cohesion, however, cultural norms shape how people use eye contact and visual attention.
Cross-cultural studies have shown striking variations in these gaze rules. Although humans share the capacity for eye contact and gaze responses, how much, when, and in what context people use direct gaze (or avoid it) differs by culture. For example, Arabs have been observed to maintain eye contact more frequently and for longer durations than Americans.
Cultures that encourage physical touch and closeness during interactions (contact cultures) tend to gaze more, face one another more directly, and include more physical touch, while cultures that value more distance (non-contact cultures) may interpret prolonged eye contact as intrusive or disrespectful.
These differences are not just fascinating, they are fundamental. They shape how we build relationships, interpret respect, and perceive authenticity across cultures.
When the eyes speak different languages
In Western contexts, particularly in leadership and professional communication, steady eye contact is often equated with confidence, attentiveness, and trustworthiness. However, in many Asian, Pacific, and African cultures, avoiding direct eye contact can signal humility, politeness, or respect for authority.
Imagine two people, one from a culture that values direct gaze and one from a culture that considers it confrontational, meeting in a professional setting. The first might perceive the other’s lowered eyes as disinterest or evasion, while the second might interpret direct gaze as arrogance or disrespect. Both are acting appropriately by their own standards, yet both walk away feeling misunderstood.
It is in these moments that communication quietly fractures, not because of words, but because of how eyes meet (or don’t).
Eye contact as a pathway to empathy
Understanding eye contact through a cultural lens invites us into deeper empathy. When we look beyond the surface, we begin to see the shared human longing beneath, to be understood, respected, and valued.
Learning to read eyes across cultures is an act of compassion. It requires slowing down, suspending judgment, and being fully present. As coaches, leaders, and global citizens, our goal isn’t to erase differences but to embrace them with curiosity.
True connection doesn’t come from perfecting technique. It comes from awareness, from the willingness to see others as they are, not as we assume them to be.
Stories from the coaching space
Priya, a young Indian woman I once mentored, shared her frustration with me, “My manager keeps telling me to be more confident in meetings, but I don’t understand what she means. I prepare well and contribute, yet she says I don’t seem confident.”
As we unpacked this together, it became clear that her manager’s idea of confidence was shaped by Western norms, direct eye contact, and a strong, assertive tone. In Priya’s culture, confidence often expresses itself through respectfulness and measured speech. Her authentic communication style was simply being interpreted through a different cultural lens.
Once we discussed these differences openly, Priya became more aware of how her behaviour was perceived. With a few intentional tweaks, such as holding eye contact a little longer when making key points and smiling to signal engagement, she found a balance. She didn’t have to change who she was, she simply learned how to translate her natural strengths across cultures.
Bridging the gaze: Seeing through a wider lens
Bridging the gaze is not just about noticing how others communicate, it’s also about reflecting on how we perceive them. Our interpretations of eye contact are filtered through our own experiences, culture, and expectations.
Eye contact is a dialogue, not a monologue. How we perceive it is shaped by our assumptions, biases, and personal comfort levels. By pausing to question our automatic judgments, such as “Am I interpreting this through my own cultural lens?”, we open the possibility for deeper understanding.
Reflecting on your lens is also a form of humility. It requires acknowledging that your interpretation is not universal and that others may communicate engagement, respect, and confidence in ways that differ from your own. It’s about seeing both sides of the interaction, how you act and how your perception influences the connection.
Here are a few practical ways to reflect on your lens:
Notice your assumptions: Ask yourself, “Am I equating gaze with engagement based on my own cultural standard?”
Check your emotional response: Feelings of frustration or impatience may signal a bias rather than reality.
Seek context: Look for other cues, such as verbal participation, follow-up, tone, or posture, before drawing conclusions.
Ask respectfully: Simple questions like “How do you prefer to communicate?” can open understanding.
Adapt your behaviour: Adjust your gaze or communication style to bridge differences without losing authenticity.
When we take the time to reflect in this way, eye contact shifts from being a potential trigger for misunderstanding into a tool for relational intelligence. It transforms connection from a one-sided performance into a two-way conversation.
Eye contact in a global, digital world
In today’s global workplaces, cultural signals collide more than ever, especially on screens. Video calls flatten our ability to read body language, while “camera on” expectations can intensify discomfort around gaze. For some, staring into a lens feels unnatural, for others, seeing blank screens feels like disengagement.
As a coach, I often encourage clients to name these differences openly. For instance, saying, “I prefer to keep my camera on, but I understand if you’re more comfortable off,” sets a tone of respect. This simple transparency helps reduce assumptions and builds trust, even across pixels and time zones.
The digital age reminds us that connection isn’t just visual, it’s emotional and empathetic. Sometimes, listening intently or responding thoughtfully conveys far more than steady eye contact ever could.
Practical steps for cross-cultural communication
Start with curiosity, not certainty. Assume you don’t know what eye contact means to someone else.
Balance your gaze with warmth. Use a comfortable gaze, not constant eye contact. Smiling, nodding, and tone can bridge any visual gap.
Avoid equating confidence with eye behaviour. Respect and sincerity show up in many forms.
Create safe spaces for differences. Discuss communication styles openly, it deepens trust.
If you are leading or supporting others:
Look at the person when greeting, listening, and expressing sympathy.
Break eye contact naturally while thinking or speaking.
Allow the other person to look away without comment.
A world of eyes looking back
As we move through airports, workplaces, or video calls, our eyes meet those shaped by thousands of years of cultural storytelling. Every glance carries layers of meaning, some visible, others hidden beneath tradition and history.
To bridge the gaze is to become a cultural interpreter, someone who reads not just faces but the spaces between them.
One of my clients once said, “Once I stopped worrying about getting it right, I started actually seeing people.” And that’s really the heart of it.
The neurodiverse lens: Redefining connection
Cultural differences are one layer of the gaze puzzle, and neurodiversity adds another.
For some neurodivergent individuals, eye contact can be overstimulating or distracting. Avoiding it allows them to focus better on the conversation. Without awareness, neurodiversity can be mistaken for poor engagement, undermining inclusion and collaboration.
I once worked with a neurodiverse client who found direct eye contact overwhelming and exhausting. During our first session, they avoided my gaze entirely. Instead of interpreting that as disinterest, I asked gently, “Would it help you to focus elsewhere while we talk?”
We agreed that they could look away, focus on an object in the room, or even close their eyes while speaking. I, in turn, learned to read their cues differently, through tone, energy, and pacing rather than gaze.
By adapting in this way, the client was able to engage fully and authentically. They later shared, “I’ve always felt pressured to make eye contact to seem ‘normal,’ but this was the first time I didn’t have to pretend.”
That moment reminded me that genuine connection isn’t about matching behaviours, it’s about mutual respect and awareness. When we expand our definition of engagement, we create space for every kind of communicator to belong.
A closing reflection
When I think about the phrase “The eyes between us,” I’m reminded that connection doesn’t live in the act of looking, it lives in the space between looks, in the willingness to meet halfway. Context matters. Whether people look at others’ eyes depends on the task, communicative role, live versus recorded interaction, and cultural norms.
Eye contact, at its best, is not about asserting presence but about sharing it. It is a bridge, fragile, powerful, and deeply human. So, the next time you meet someone’s gaze, or they look away, pause for a moment. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with them?” perhaps ask, “What might this mean for them?” That single shift in curiosity can turn a fleeting glance into a moment of genuine understanding.
Read more from Lindy Lelij
Lindy Lelij, Founder of Mpowerme Coaching
With Māori and European heritage, Lindy knows firsthand what it means to live between cultures. She spent over four decades abroad before returning “home” to Aotearoa New Zealand.
Today, as founder of Mpowerme Coaching, Lindy helps people navigate migration, cultural transition, and identity. Through positive psychology, deep journaling, energetic tuning, and narrative reframing, Lindy offers clients practical tools for growth and resilience.
Backed by more than 30 years of leadership, governance and business experience across Health, governance and international trade, she brings both professional expertise and lived wisdom to her work.
