The Emotional Pattern Behind Constant Checking, and How to Reclaim Your Energy
- Brainz Magazine
- 7 hours ago
- 6 min read
Written by Michelle Wollaston, Spiritual Growth Advocate
Michelle Wollaston is the founder of Living with Purpose and Intention and the author of the book Embrace Spirituality to Enhance Your Human Experience.
How many times do you check your phone for messages from your mum or dad, your child, your colleagues, or even your closest girlfriend? Oh, never, I hear you say, only when you get the notification, right? Then why are you constantly checking when it is your partner, your boyfriend, maybe your ex, or the faceless person on the dating app?
Is this even a real connection?
Sometimes it is. But sometimes, it is not.
Sometimes it is just a breadcrumb trail, just enough to keep you emotionally tethered without offering anything real. Sometimes it is someone stringing you along, replying just often enough to stay in your head, not your life. Sometimes, it is sexting dressed up as interest. Manipulation disguised as intimacy.
And in the darkest of cases, especially when you feel like your every breath hangs on whether they reply, it might be something far more harmful: emotional grooming, or the slow build-up of a digital scam.
When your nervous system lights up like it is love, but your soul quietly contracts, that is not connection. That is your intuition asking you to wake up.
When chemistry is not connection, it is a chemical trap
What you are feeling in that moment is not love. It is a dopamine hit, the brain’s reward system lighting up at the possibility of attention, not the reality of connection.
It is fleeting. It is addictive. And it is designed to keep you chasing.
True connection does not spike your system and leave you anxious. It feels safe. Grounded. Regulating. It lets you breathe, not brace.
That clench in your gut, the quiet holding of your breath? That is not excitement. That is a warning.
Your intuition is not overreacting; it is trying to protect you.
But because it whispers, and dopamine shouts, many of us never learned to listen.
It is not because you are weak. It is not because you are naive. It is because you are wired for connection, and today’s digital world makes it all too easy to chase the feeling without ever truly receiving it. Whether it is a text, a DM, or a message that never lands, the pattern is the same: reach, wait, wonder.
And while anyone can get caught in this loop, it tends to run deeper for women. Not because women are more emotional or more fragile, because they are not. But because women have been conditioned to seek their reflection in the eyes of others.
From childhood, they are praised for being “good,” “nice,” “thoughtful,” and “pleasing.” They learn that safety, love, and approval often arrive through how others feel about them, not how they feel about themselves.
And so, the craving is not just for a message. It is for affirmation. To be chosen. Desired. Acknowledged. To know, in that moment, I matter to someone.
This is not a flaw. It is a survival adaptation, shaped by generations of expectation, invisibility, and emotional labour.
So, is this a woman's problem? Not exactly. But it is a deeply feminine pattern.
That is why this article speaks most directly to women, even while holding space for anyone, of any gender or orientation, to recognise the loop for what it is.
And once you see it, you can start to break it.
The invisible wound that keeps you looking
This is not really about the message. It is not even about the person on the other end.
It is about a moment, deep inside you, where you felt unseen. A need that was never met. A part of you that still aches to hear: You matter. I choose you. You are safe now.
That is the real driver behind the checking, the hoping, the spiralling. It is not neediness; it is an emotional echo. An old wound replaying itself in a new, digital arena.
But here is the truth: no app notification will ever resolve what only you can heal.
This is where spiritual intelligence becomes more than a concept, it becomes your compass.
Spiritual intelligence is your ability to recognise, respond to, and reframe what is happening within you in real time. It is the awareness that lets you witness your patterns without shame, reconnect with your emotional truth, and ask:
“What am I truly needing right now, and how can I meet that need, from within?”
It is not a quick fix. It is a quiet remembering. A return to your own inner source, where worth, validation, and connection were never meant to be outsourced in the first place.
How to start breaking the pattern gently, honestly, powerfully
You do not need to delete every app, block every number, or vow to never message again. This is not about going cold turkey; it is about coming home to yourself. It starts with small, intentional moments that interrupt the loop with presence. Here is where to begin:
Pause before you pick up your phone
Notice the urge. Do not shame it, just witness it. Ask yourself: “What am I hoping this message will give me?” Is it love? Reassurance? Excitement? Escape? Naming the need puts the power back in your hands.
Meet the need, not the habit
Instead of refreshing the screen, turn inward: “How can I give myself what I am actually needing right now?” Maybe it is five deep breaths. A walk. Journalling. Touching your heart. It does not need to be big; it just needs to be yours.
Anchor into internal validation
Start a practice of self-witnessing: What did you do today that made you proud? What did you feel deeply? What part of yourself showed up with strength, tenderness, or truth?
This is where validation becomes sustainable. This is spiritual intelligence in action.
Remember: Attention is different from connection
A “like” is not intimacy. A late-night message is not love. And chemistry? It does not always mean compatibility.
The more clearly you see this, the less power those little “hits” will hold.
Breaking the pattern does not mean closing your heart. It means reclaiming your energy from places that drain it and returning it to the one place that has always deserved it: you.
The message you have really been waiting for
You are not too much. You are not overthinking. You are not wrong for wanting to feel chosen, seen, or loved.
But the truth is: the message you have been waiting for is not coming from them. It is coming from you.
And it sounds like this: “I see you. I hear you. I am not going anywhere.”
This is what spiritual intelligence helps you access. Not through spiritual bypassing or forcing positive thinking, but by gently teaching you to return to your inner knowing. To slow down the spin. To meet your unmet needs from a place of awareness, not anxiety.
Because once you reconnect to your own voice, the craving quiets. The checking softens. And the space that was once filled with chasing, fills with truth.
You do not have to chase connection anymore. You were always the connection.
Need help reclaiming that space?
If you are still in the habit, still checking, still hoping, still waiting for that next message, you are not alone. And you do not have to break the cycle on your own.
I have created a free 5-day experience to help.
The 5-Day Stop Checking Challenge is a gentle, practical guide to help you interrupt the urge to check for “their” message and redirect that energy back to yourself.
Through short daily reflections and practices, you will begin to:
Interrupt emotional spirals in real time
Shift from anxious to anchored
Rebuild trust in your own inner voice
Stop outsourcing your worth to someone else’s response
This is not about cutting off connection. It is about reclaiming your energy and returning it to where it belongs, with you.
Start the 5-Day Challenge here. You do not need to wait for a message to feel loved. You have already sent yourself the most important one, simply by arriving here.
Read more from Michelle Wollaston
Michelle Wollaston, Spiritual Growth Advocate
Michelle Wollaston is an intuitive psychic known for her deep connection to the subtle energies that shape our lives. With an innate ability to sense and interpret the emotional and spiritual landscapes of others, she guides individuals in uncovering their true paths. Through her writing and workshops, Michelle creates a nurturing community for those eager to explore the transformative power of spirituality. She empowers individuals to embark on journeys of self-discovery, encouraging connections with their inner selves. Her passion lies in helping others embrace their true essence and create meaningful experiences that resonate with their highest potential.
