The Curse Of The Rescuer – How Trying To Rescue Others Can Lead To Damaged Relationships
- Aug 28, 2024
- 5 min read
Written by Ali Williams, Therapist
Ali Williams is the 'uncomplicated' therapist specialising in healing trauma codes in the brain and body. After losing her mother at the age of 16 to breast cancer, and receiving two cancer diagnoses herself, Ali chose wisdom, not war.
Many people naturally want to help others in personal and professional relationships. As caregivers and leaders, we want our loved ones and team members to succeed. When those close to us face challenges and struggle to draw on their confidence to resolve them, we want to step in and help.
Some individuals are so driven to help others that it could be considered more like a compulsion often called rescuing. There’s a difference between being supportive and being a rescuer.
A rescuer can be described as someone who doesn’t wait for permission to take over resolving problems for others. They offer solutions and advice before considering if it is welcomed. They feel a sense of urgency to fix issues for others and are frequently unaware they do so. It’s an automatic response, usually motivated by good intentions to be helpful.
You’ve likely met a rescuer yourself. During conversations about problematic scenarios, they quickly switch into solution mode. Often, you don’t get a chance to finish your sentence before they declare all the ways they know how (even if they don’t) to sort out your problem.
Becoming a rescuer starts developing at a young age. It is a survival mode behavior. If an individual has experienced difficult circumstances growing up or was not supported emotionally the brain interprets a threat during those developmental years and will create behaviors in response to feelings of loss of control and lack of self-worth.
Willingly helping others creates feelings of fulfillment, pride, and joy. Who doesn’t want some of that? They are positive feelings, and rescuers quickly learn it’s a way to feel good about themselves when external circumstances previously left them feeling disappointed or abandoned. They feel fulfilled when needed by others.
Rescuers are often highly resourceful people. They are great at solving problems. They are usually knowledgeable and efficient, and in times of crisis are wonderfully supportive.
While being a rescuer has many positive benefits, it is important to consider how this
pattern of behavior can lead to damaged relationships.
Overstepping boundaries
Rescuers, although well-intentioned, generally disregard the personal boundaries of those they wish to help. Rescuers don’t wait to be asked to assist. An example might be when a mother-in-law insists on sharing unwanted parenting advice or coordinates family social arrangements with inflexible expectations. This may be perceived as controlling behavior by the family members and create resentment.
Burnout and exhaustion
Rescuers often neglect their well-being. Taking on everyone’s problems without recognizing their inability to say no may cause burnout. There’s only so much one person can do. A rescuer who doesn’t recognize the limits of their capacity for others risks their physical and mental health. Consider a middle management employee with an already busy workload. If they volunteer to take on more duties their capacity to lead may be compromised. They may appear unapproachable to their team causing dissatisfaction in the workplace.
Enabling
Stepping in to solve other’s problems may enable patterns of dependence. A rescuer may unknowingly compromise someone’s ability to take responsibility for their challenges to build resilience. Enabling is a negative reinforcer for an individual who is avoiding resolving difficult situations. An example may be a parent stepping in to defend their child. If the child cannot develop resolution skills this may impact their relationships as an adult causing communication breakdown and resentment.
How can rescuers heal their behaviors to mend damaged relationships?
1. Set healthy personal boundaries
Creating change begins with awareness. The first step to changing rescuing behavior is to notice the urge to step in and take control. This is the moment to take a powerful pause. Considering the following self-inquiry questions will help decide the appropriate action. 1. Is this person actively seeking support? 2. Is this a situation where my assistance will be helpful? 3. Ask the person, “Do you need support to resolve this right now, or do you need me to listen?” The answer will create a mutual understanding as the rescuer has the opportunity to be genuinely helpful without being overbearing. This creates trust and empathy between the two parties.
2. Self-care practices
Rescuers often put their own needs last with their never-ending to-do list resulting in overwhelm. To reduce stress levels, it is important to focus on self-care practices. Calming the nervous system with grounding activities will help to restore calming thoughts and emotions. This will help to reduce the impulse to step into action. Excess cortisol production will be reduced to help regulate the endocrine system and overthinking. Activities such as meditation, yoga, creative hobbies, and breathwork will assist with a more balanced approach to problem-solving to decrease health risks.
3. Empowerment of others
Rescuers are resourceful people with a solution-focused mindset. If they encourage others to resolve their personal and professional challenges they will help to foster growth in confidence and resilience. Offering assistance without taking over will satisfy the desire to help without the stress of taking on responsibility for other people’s problems. Rescuers have the potential to be successful mentors and leaders when they understand the power of stepping back. As parents, if rescuers can take a step back to encourage their children to develop resolution skills they will nurture healthy positive relationships for the future.
4. Do the work
Therapy can offer a powerful healing opportunity for rescuers to understand how they have developed their behaviors. Learning how the impact of the social environment and life experiences have created the rescuer patterns will make sense with the support of a therapist. This work can help to mend damaged relationships. Through developing self-compassion and acceptance negative patterns can be transformed into positive actions. With therapy, rescuers can free themselves from feeling over-responsible while fulfilling their desire to be helpful.
A rescuer demonstrates many valuable qualities with a genuine desire to help others, but this can lead to personal burnout, and in extreme circumstances damaged relationships. When rescuers are unaware of their impact, they can undermine other people’s capabilities and resilience. Overbearing fixing behaviors can inadvertently create resentment and distance between the rescuer and their loved ones or colleagues. As a therapist, I see this common trait in many of my clients who are experiencing difficult relationships.
By understanding how past experiences have created present-day behaviors and added stress, rescuers can transform their mindset and nervous system patterns of prioritizing others' problems over their self-care and boundaries. With a balanced approach to problem-solving, rescuers can transform into people who encourage empowerment in others to strengthen their relationships.
I encourage all people feeling this sense of urgency for fixing others to gift themselves the healing work. Although it may initially feel overwhelming to delve into this pattern of resucing the benefits enable emotional freedom and enhance well-being.
To begin understanding the impact of the past on current thoughts, feelings, and actions, access this free e-guide to create awareness around behaviors. If you recognize this pattern of rescuing in yourself and would like to explore the possibility of healing your damaged relationships, please connect with me to start a conversation.
Read more from Ali Williams
Ali Williams, Therapist
Ali Williams is the 'uncomplicated' therapist specialising in healing trauma codes in the brain and body. After losing her mother at the age of 16 to breast cancer, and receiving two cancer diagnoses herself, Ali chose wisdom, not war. After studying formally to become a qualified therapist, Ali has developed programs and strategies to help women focus on healing their own lives. Her first published book reflects the theme of taking responsibility for happiness. Ali believes everyone has the opportunity to claim their birth right to be happy regardless of circumstances.
