The Crucial Link Between Safety and Pleasure
- Brainz Magazine
- Jul 14
- 7 min read
Updated: Aug 4
Written by Kate Alderman, Somatic Sexologist
Kate Alderman is a Trauma-Informed Somatic Therapist, Somatic Sexologist, Nervous System Recovery Coach, and Executive Contributor for Brainz Magazine. She is also the founder of: You’re A Strong Woman Foundation - Domestic Violence Prevention and Recovery. With a decade of experience in plant medicines and extensive expertise in sexual empowerment, trauma-informed healing, and somatic coaching, Kate empowers individuals and couples to reclaim their power and thrive through embodied practices and transformative coaching.
Pleasure, joy, playfulness, sensuality, and freedom, these are the experiences that make life rich and worth living. And yet, for so many of us, these states feel fleeting, distant, or completely out of reach. Why? Because without safety, pleasure cannot exist.
Safety is the foundation, not just physical safety, but emotional, relational, and psychological safety. When our nervous system is in survival mode, scanning for threats, holding tension, hypervigilant, or shut down, there’s no room for surrender, relaxation, or enjoyment. The nervous system, the heart, and the mind aren’t wired for pleasure when the body doesn’t feel safe.
Take a moment to reflect on how safe you honestly feel
If you want to understand the link between safety and pleasure, look no further than sexual intimacy.
Ask yourself:
How safe do I feel with someone I've only just met, someone I haven’t had time to truly get to know, observe, or build trust with?
How much of my body is truly relaxed in those moments?
How freely can I communicate my needs, desires, or boundaries?
How freely can I express my emotions and experience?
How enjoyable is sexual intimacy with a stranger, honestly?
Now contrast that with intimacy shared with someone who has taken their time. Someone who has shown up consistently, respected your pace, listened deeply, and met your “no” with grace. Someone who creates space not just for your “yes,” but for your “no” to be fully welcomed without consequence. A person who allows trust to build naturally over time and, in doing so, creates the conditions for you to soften, open, and feel deeply seen.
How different does your body feel in that experience?
How much more pleasure is available when you’re not managing fear or uncertainty beneath the surface?
The truth is, the more safety we feel, physically and emotionally, the more capacity we have to experience true pleasure. Not just perform it, chase it, or numb out through it, but to truly embody it, let it ripple through our nervous system, expand our heart, and light up our senses.
Safety doesn’t kill desire or pleasure; it deepens it.
Safety doesn’t make us feel less free; it makes freedom feel real.
Many years ago, I heard someone briefly reference a concept linked to human development called the “Pleasure Zone,” and while I didn’t dive into the source at the time, it lingered with me. It became a thread I followed and wove into my understanding of how safety shapes our capacity for joy, intimacy, and embodiment.
Without safety, we can’t surrender, and without surrender, pleasure is impossible
Pleasure asks us to surrender, to be present, open, and receptive. It requires a level of surrender that feels threatening when we don’t feel safe. If our body is bracing for impact or we’re emotionally guarded, even the most beautiful experience can feel numb, muted, blurry, or inaccessible. Safety is what allows us to exhale, to receive, and to merge with all the pleasures of life and the pleasures of another human.
If we can’t alleviate discomfort, there’s no space for pleasure
When we’re trapped in cycles of emotional or physical discomfort and don’t have the tools, support, or permission to speak our needs and desires, the nervous system is locked in fight or flight, self-defence, freeze, or people-pleasing. The inability to ease the discomfort and regulate our nervous system not only deepens suffering but also removes the possibility of pleasure.
If your leg goes numb during sexual intimacy, are you able to reposition yourself and/or speak your needs?
And what if something that started as pleasurable begins to feel uncomfortable or painful? Do you feel safe enough to ask for a pause and express what you need?
Joy and pleasure arrive after surrender, and because we are actively being in integrity with our body’s needs.
Thinking that we have it all figured out destroys curiosity, and curiosity is the gateway to pleasure
Pleasure is grounded in presence. It lives in the unknown, the unfolding, and the spontaneity of what is. When we believe we have it all figured out, when uncertainty feels unsafe, we miss the magic of continued learning, innocence, and playfulness. Being fixated on control and thinking we are a master or have to be a master kills the curiosity required to explore new feelings, sensations, and ideas. Safety gives us the courage to enter the unknown with innocence, wonder, and excitement rather than performance anxiety or fear.
Boundaries are what make safe exploration possible
A boundary isn’t a wall; it’s a bridge to a more expansive, trusting connection. Without boundaries, we lose the container that holds us in integrity with ourselves and others. When we don’t feel we can say “no,” or when others bulldoze our limits, our sense of agency and safety collapse. When we don’t believe others can speak up and say “no,” we can’t fully relax into the safety of our experience with them. Pleasure without consent or containment isn’t pleasure, it’s a violation. Only within the safety of clear, respected boundaries can we truly explore and enjoy pleasure.
Lack of consent destroys trust, and trust is essential for pleasure
Consent isn’t just about sex, it’s about honouring each other’s autonomy, emotions, and inner truth.
When we’re pushed, pressured, or manipulated by others, we exit the realm of consent and enter the realm of coercion and harm. Pleasure can only thrive in a space where trust is felt and choice is honoured. And trust is impossible without communication and safety.
Consent isn’t just “no means no.” It’s about feeling safe enough to say “no” in the first place, without fear of backlash, punishment, guilt, or the withdrawal of love. It’s about knowing that your “no” will be respected, not negotiated or overridden. True consent includes the freedom to change your mind, to pause, to express discomfort, and to have that honoured without question. Because without the freedom to say “no,” there is no meaningful “yes,” only compliance dressed up as consent.
Emotional suppression dulls aliveness and sensation
Pleasure isn’t just a physical sensation; it’s emotional and spiritual. If we’ve learned to suppress our voice and feelings, to numb pain, or to stay “positive” at all costs, we lose access to the full emotional spectrum. Safety gives us the capacity to feel and express deeply our greatest pleasure and our greatest pain. Feeling and expressing our greatest pain gives us access to our greatest pleasure. Emotional freedom and safety are the gateway to full-spectrum pleasure, intimacy, joy, and aliveness. Sexual intimacy is a combination of love, sweat, and tears; this is absolute emotional freedom.
Disembodiment disconnects us from pleasure
We cannot feel pleasure if we are not in our body, and yet many people live unconsciously in their minds and emotions. They’re disembodied, detached from sensation, out of sync with their breath, and unaware of how they feel. This is often a trauma response, or a side effect of a culture that prioritises intellect over intuition and productivity over presence. When we’re disconnected from our senses, we’re disconnected from life itself.
How does food taste when you’re stressed or occupied with other things?
And your experience of sexual intimacy, how pleasurable is it when you’re thinking about all the things you need to do tomorrow or next week?
Safety, presence, and a regulated nervous system bring us back home to the body and to our senses, where all true pleasure begins.
When we try to transcend the body, we leave behind the experience of being alive
In some spiritual circles, there’s a glorification of leaving the body, of transcending this human experience in pursuit of the divine. This pursuit often bypasses the very thing that makes transcendence possible: embodiment. We are here to be in the body, to touch, to feel sensations, and to love. When we disconnect from the body in search of transcendence, we not only abandon the body, but we also abandon pleasure itself. True safety allows us space to be both divine and deeply human, fully here in the body, without all the agenda.
Coming home to pleasure begins with safety
If you’ve struggled to feel joy, to access deep pleasure, or to trust life, it’s not because you’re broken; it’s because your body, at some point, didn’t feel safe enough to surrender.
We cannot force our way to pleasure, but we can create the conditions for pleasure to arise. Through embodiment, nervous system regulation, boundaries, consent, emotional permission, and deep, compassionate presence with ourselves and others, we build the foundation and container for pleasure to be experienced.
Safety is not a luxury. It’s not a bonus; it is the crucial link to all the pleasures of life.
Collective shift
When individuals begin to prioritise safety as the groundwork for pleasure, connection, joy, and living, we shift our culture. We stop performing pleasure and start genuinely feeling and embodying it. We stop bypassing discomfort, stress, and pressure, and start alchemising it. As more of us reclaim our right to feel safe in our bodies, in our relationships, and in our choices, we create a ripple effect that transforms the collective. A world grounded in safety is where true pleasure, compassion, creativity, and connection can thrive. This is not just personal work, it’s collective and evolutionary.
It starts with you
Begin by asking:
What makes me feel safe? What doesn’t?
Honour those answers. Listen to your body, set boundaries, choose slowness, speak your whole truth, and tend to the parts of you still holding on.
You don’t have to navigate this alone. If you're ready to reclaim safety, pleasure, a regulated nervous system, and deep embodiment, I’m here to walk beside you. This is the work I do, supporting individuals in creating the conditions for their nervous system to soften, their body to trust again, and their whole being to come alive in every area of life.
Reach out if you’re ready. Book a free call to discover how I can help you reach your goals. This is the revolution, one nervous system at a time.
Kate Alderman, Somatic Sexologist
Kate Alderman is a Trauma-Informed Somatic Therapist, Somatic Sexologist, Nervous System Recovery Coach, and Executive Contributor for Brainz Magazine. She is also the founder of: You’re A Strong Woman Foundation - Domestic Violence Prevention and Recovery. With over a decade of experience in plant medicine and extensive expertise in somatic sexology, Kate supports individuals and couples in reclaiming their power, healing, and thriving through embodied practices and transformative coaching. She offers a safe, judgment-free, compassionate space for deep healing and integration, using somatic therapy and a trauma-informed, body-based approach. As a survivor of intimate partner violence, Kate is committed to supporting others on their recovery journey and raising awareness about domestic violence. She excels at bridging the gap between science and spirituality, delivering her wisdom in a practical context that inspires, motivates, and offers new perspectives.
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