The Conflict Trap – Why We React, What Triggers Us, and How to Respond with Clarity
- Brainz Magazine
- 5 days ago
- 5 min read
Written by Nashay Lowe, Founder & Principal Consultant
Dr. Nashay Lowe is known for her work in conflict management and qualitative social science research. She is the founder of Lowe Insights Consulting, an orator, the author of several publications (including thought pieces and peer-reviewed articles), and host of The Resolution Room podcast.
We all like to believe we handle conflict with logic. But in reality, most of us react long before we realize why. Behind every sharp reply, silent withdrawal, or feeling of defensiveness lies a deeper story waiting to be understood. This article explores what’s happening beneath those moments and what they’re quietly costing us.
What makes us react?
Conflict is one of the most fundamental human experiences, yet when tension rises, many of us default to automatic, protective patterns like anger, withdrawing, over explaining, or trying to “fix” the situation. These reactions often feel outside of our control, but they are not random. They are learned, patterned responses shaped by identity, context, and the social and psychological ways we interpret threats to our safety, dignity, or belonging.
The critical difference between reacting and responding is a moment of intentional space. A reaction is fast, emotional, and protective, often fueled by the amygdala’s quick activation. However, what we perceive as a threat is deeply shaped by experience, culture, and power dynamics. A response, conversely, is intentional, grounded, and aligned with our values. As Viktor Frankl famously noted, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” That space is where conflict management shifts to transformation.
What triggers us
Triggers are often rooted in deeper needs, the need to feel respected, valued, understood, or in control of our own story. A single phrase, gesture, or assumption can activate old emotional associations. Researchers like John Gottman highlight that conflict escalates fastest when people feel unheard or misinterpreted. Triggers in conflict situations indicate deeper, unresolved issues, like things left unsaid or aspects that feel vulnerable or unprotected. These are often not related to the immediate scenario but have been internalized over time to become core beliefs. When we operate from this standpoint, we are no longer reacting solely to what was said, but to what that perceived slight means about us.
The critical intervention is to take a deliberate step back, pause between the stimulus and response, and name your emotional triggers. By bringing these subconscious interpretations into conscious awareness, you begin to dismantle their power. Informed reflection is essential for personal control. It shifts us from automatic, defensive emotional reactions to proactive, constructive participation.
Why old patterns resurface
Our early environments, including families, schools, community norms, and even past workplaces, acted as primary training grounds, teaching us what conflict meant and how to survive it. These survival strategies, repeated over time, become automatic, unconscious scripts. We no longer consciously decide to react, the reaction simply happens.
In psychology, this phenomenon is called schema activation. A schema is a mental framework, a way of organizing and interpreting information. When a current situation, like a critical tone, a challenging demand, or a familiar facial expression, contains elements that feel similar to a past threat or conflict, even a mild one, the old framework resurfaces. The brain, prioritizing speed and perceived safety, instantly pulls the old script. We find ourselves saying or doing things that feel out of our control, as if they were driven by a ghost from the past.
The single most powerful step toward changing these patterns is noticing when we’re replaying the past. This act of observation, pausing before reacting, and asking, “Is this reaction about this moment, or is it an echo of an old story?” is the key to interrupting the automatic script and choosing a response that is aligned with our evolved values, needs, and goals. It is the moment where choice re-enters the equation.
How stress distorts judgment
High stress impairs judgment by suppressing the prefrontal cortex, the brain’s center for reasoning and empathy. This leads us to interpret neutral comments harshly, read simple observations as attacks, and develop an intentionality bias, assuming the other person’s actions are deliberate attempts to hurt us. This defensive mindset, driven by a need for self-protection, prioritizes being “right” over achieving understanding. Everything is filtered through fear rather than curiosity, making true resolution impossible.
The cycle is broken by regulating stress, which restores clarity and allows the crucial shift from asking, “How do I defend myself?” to genuinely inquiring, “What is this person trying to communicate?”
Why conflict escalates
Conflict rarely escalates because of the issue itself. It escalates because of the emotional reactions around the issue. Psychologist Roy Baumeister’s research on “bad is stronger than good” explains why negative cues, such as tone, posture, and tension, hit harder than positive ones. When one person becomes reactive, the other person’s nervous system responds in kind. Before long, the conversation isn’t about the problem anymore. It’s about the fear beneath it.
Escalation is a feedback loop of unregulated reactions. Breaking the loop starts with one person choosing calm.
What can we do differently?
How to rewrite reactive habits
Changing deep-seated conflict patterns is a journey built on consistent practice, not perfection. New, productive habits are primarily cultivated through repetition, which reinforces healthier behaviors and open-minded curiosity. This inquisitive stance allows us to pause before an automatic reaction and ask, “What is truly happening here? What is my underlying need? What is the other person’s perspective?” This represents a crucial shift from blame to understanding.
Crucially, this process requires self-compassion, not self-criticism. Self-criticism is counterproductive, generating shame and anxiety that trigger the very reactive patterns we aim to change. Instead of a critical voice that says, “I always mess this up,” replace it with a compassionate, objective one, “What can I learn from this, and what will I try differently next time?” This transforms a setback into a data point for growth, paving the way for sustained, healthy change.
Building proactive capacity
How to move from reaction to proaction
True resilience and effective conflict resolution are built on proaction, a continuous practice of strengthening our internal resources long before a tense moment arises. This preparatory work, emotional regulation, self-awareness, and clarity, collectively widens our “window of tolerance,” the optimal zone of arousal where we can think clearly, regulate emotions, and access complex problem-solving skills.
When conflict or stress pushes us outside this window, into hyperarousal like anger, or hypoarousal like shutdown, our capacity for constructive dialogue is lost. Cultivating this proactive foundation allows us to remain calm and available for productive engagement, transforming conflict into an opportunity for understanding and growth.
Moving forward together
Conflict will always surface in human relationships, but the way we meet those moments can change everything. For readers interested in strengthening those early moments, the RESOLVE Workshop Program offers a simple, research-informed framework that helps teams recognize these signals early and respond with steadiness rather than urgency. Those who prefer to explore these themes through conversation may appreciate The Resolution Room podcast, where each episode looks beneath the surface of real-life tensions and examines how ordinary moments of friction can become opportunities for connection and insight.
Remember, small shifts often lead to larger transformations.
Read more from Nashay Lowe
Nashay Lowe, Founder & Principal Consultant
Dr. Nashay Lowe is a leader in conflict transformation, leadership development, and organizational culture. From an early age, she was drawn to understanding and complex problem-solving. This calling inspired her to create practical frameworks and people-centered approaches that move conversations from breakdown to breakthrough. Through Lowe Insights Consulting and The Resolution Room podcast, she lives out her mission to help the institutions shaping our daily lives turn conflict into a catalyst for change, because when our systems work better, so do our communities.
