That’s Not My Experience – Why Trauma-Informed Awareness Matters More Than We Think
- Brainz Magazine
- 1 day ago
- 3 min read
Written by Andrea Byers, Holistic Wellness Practitioner
Andrea Byers is an award-winning holistic wellness expert, Air Force veteran, and chronic illness warrior dedicated to redefining well-being through personalized care. As the founder of Chronic & Iconic Coaching, she empowers individuals to reclaim balance, purpose, and health through mindset, movement, and transformative coaching.
“That’s not my experience.” It’s a phrase I hear often. Sometimes it’s said honestly. Sometimes defensively. Sometimes it’s used, intentionally or not, to shut a conversation down. While the statement itself may be true, the impact can still cause harm. Your experience being different does not make someone else’s experience wrong. When we forget that, we risk dismissing realities that don’t mirror our own.
Trauma is not about what happened, it’s about what the body learned in response. Two people can live through similar circumstances and walk away with completely different outcomes, not because one is stronger, but because their nervous systems, support systems, and sense of safety were different. When someone says, “That didn’t affect me like that,” what they are often really saying is that their capacity, context, or support allowed them to process it differently. That difference is not a moral victory, it is simply the context of their lived experience. Too often, that gets weaponized.
The phrase becomes harmful when it turns into dismissal. When it sounds like, “You should be over this by now,” “That wasn’t a big deal,” or “I went through worse, and I’m fine.” These responses don’t build resilience. They reinforce silence. And silence is where trauma stays lodged the longest.
People stop explaining. They stop asking for support. They stop trusting that their reality will be respected. Instead, they learn to carry it quietly while continuing to function. From the outside, everything looks fine. On the inside, they are managing stress responses that never fully turn off.
When we label these behaviors without understanding their origin, we don’t create accountability, we create shame. Shame doesn’t lead to change. It leads to the deeper need for protection.
Trauma-informed awareness asks different questions. Not “What’s wrong with you?” but “What happened?” and “What do you need now?” It recognizes that people adapt to their environments, and that those adaptations don’t disappear just because circumstances improve. Behavior is often a response, not a personality flaw. Over-functioning, shutdown, hyper-independence, anger, and avoidance are not random traits. They are learned survival strategies, developed when safety was inconsistent, support was limited, or emotional needs went unmet. When we label them without understanding their origin, we miss the opportunity for meaningful and sustainable change.
This awareness matters everywhere, leadership, coaching, healthcare, parenting, and relationships. Trauma-informed spaces do not reduce expectations. They create safety, which allows people to actually meet them. When individuals feel understood instead of judged, they stop performing strength. They stop bracing for criticism. They engage more fully. Growth becomes sustainable instead of forced.
You don’t have to share someone’s experience to respect it. You can say, “That wasn’t my experience, but I respect that it was yours.” That single sentence can change the entire direction of a conversation. It tells someone they don’t have to justify their pain. It tells them their reality is allowed to exist. The goal isn’t to determine whose experience is the most right. The goal is to stop causing harm by insisting that everyone should respond the same way. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do isn’t explaining your own experience, it’s making room for someone else’s.
Healing doesn’t require agreement. It requires safety.
If this resonated, my book Trauma Bonded explores how trauma shapes our relationships, identity, and survival patterns, and how to begin breaking those cycles with clarity and self-trust.
Available now on Amazon. Grab your copy and start reclaiming your story.
Read more from Andrea Byers
Andrea Byers, Holistic Wellness Practitioner
Andrea Byers is an award-winning holistic wellness expert, transformation coach, and decorated Air Force veteran with over two decades of experience in healthcare and integrative wellness. As the founder of Chronic & Iconic Coaching, she empowers individuals, especially those navigating chronic illness or burnout, to reclaim their health, purpose, and personal power through mindset, movement, and radical self-leadership. Known for her bold voice and compassionate approach, Andrea is a fierce advocate for sustainable healing, unapologetic self-worth, and whole-person wellness.
