Taking "No" For An Answer
- Jul 31, 2023
- 5 min read
Written by: Alessandro Carli, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
We were taught that we should never give up, never quit, and never even consider the possibility to back off. But is it really the wisest and healthiest thing to do? What if life is simply telling us "no"?
As a coach, I've come across quite a few situations where my client was stuck in some personal or professional project and didn't know what to do. He’d come to me for an answer to a very simple question: should I keep going, or should I call it a day and move on with something else?
My simple answer is: I have no idea.
There are plenty of examples of people who went out of their way to solve serious problems, and/or to achieve goals they wanted to attain no matter what. The power that every human being has been endowed with is truly limitless, but that's not the point. The point is: how much of that power is one ready to manifest at a given time in his life?
We are literally obsessed with results and goals, and because of this, we totally miss the point. Achieving goals has no meaning, other than feeding our ego. What has meaning, and which makes it the REAL goal, is the person that we become as a result of all the work that we have to do to reach a goal.
We think we are doing it to make more money, to raise our status, to live a better life, etc., but that's just a "petty" reward that we get for having done the work that we needed to do, which we wouldn't have done otherwise. There are also people, however, who have done even heavier work for even a longer amount of time who don't even get that external reward, for some reason, and they feel miserable because of this innate goal-oriented thinking we all use almost exclusively. Yet, they may have achieved far more valuable inner goals as a result of changing, developing, and improving crucial aspects of themselves in the process.
Dealing with the "no's" of our lives
We are in no position to judge how life "decides" to reward someone and simply ignore others because that's just what appears to happen. When life says "no" to some of us (probably even most of us), it's never a definite "no", but a "not yet", which suggests two things: the first is that our job is not over yet, and the second is that we will ALL (those of us who will accept to do the work, of course) eventually be rewarded. One way or another.
"You never give up!" is a statement that should always be contextualized. There are times when you should definitely give up on your goal because it's not what you need to evolve as a human being, and if you insist, although you may even eventually succeed, it may turn out detrimental to you in the long term.
This being said, however, I go back to the question that I proposed before, which comes up almost spontaneously: "How do I know when to give up and when not to, then?". Again, you don't!
Any answer to this question is strictly personal, it comes from within, and a good coach should be able to help you draw it out.
Let's see, however, just a few aspects that a person might consider to figure out which way to go.
1. What's at stake?
This is a crucial question, as it focuses on the real importance of what you are pursuing. Is it a matter of life and death, or is it just a whim? Do you want more money, a better position, a healthier lifestyle, more in control, a stronger leadership…? What happens if you DON'T achieve these goals? What real consequences will you suffer if you don't get what you want? When the stakes are high, it's no longer a question of want, but of need; and if it's a need, you MUST satisfy it, you have no choice: you just can't give up, and you can't accept "no" for an answer.
If it's an emotional need, however (like having to feel more secure, loved, adequate, etc.), and you try to overcome it by pursuing a goal that you suppose will fulfill that need, then you must deal with it by learning how not to depend on external things to satisfy your needs. Life will definitely say "no"… a "no" that you'll have to accept and work with, often by making drastic changes.
2. Who's going to get hurt?
We often don't take "no" for an answer from life out of pride, fear of social shame, or the practical consequences of giving up. In this case, we insist, and decide to pay whatever price, as long as we get what we want. Okay, but who else is going to pay that price with you? Your family? Your employees? Your community, to some extent? It's our price, not theirs: it's not our call to decide who else will get involved in our drama.
You can persevere for some time, but when, at some point (which you decide beforehand: one month... six, a year...?), you realize that you're getting nowhere, you must decide to move on. It's a heavy price to pay, especially if you invested a lot in what you were doing, but at least you're the only one paying for it. And by giving up, you offer your mind the chance to open up to new opportunities for you.
3. What new strategy can I try?
Things are often less mysterious and difficult than we think. Abraham Maslow (right: the same guy who came up with the hierarchy of needs), used to say that: "If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail". The reason why life seemingly replies "no" to all your attempts to achieve your goals is not because of the goal itself, but because of the strategy you're using to get there. Many people would rather give up on the goal than change their strategy because this is what they're most comfortable with, it's the only one they know.
Try sticking to your goal, and don't get fixated on the strategy. If you can't come up with another one, ask a professional who can help you with something different. It just might work.
Alessandro Carli, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Canadian born, now living in Italy, Alessandro has been involved in personal growth since 1987, and made it his full-time profession for the past 22 years. He trained and coached people at a personal and professional level, helping them draw out more of their human potential, and at the same time having them become more aware of the laws, forces and dynamics that shape our reality. It's a specific study topic related to Systemic Intelligence which, besides working on self-improvement, allows to interact more effectively with our various environments. He wrote and published two books (in Italian) which roughly translate in "The 5 Principles of Corporate Success" and "Your Money And Your Life".
