Supporting Grief vs. Trying to Fix It
- Aug 9
- 8 min read
Written by Heather Higgins, Counsellor & Grief Coach
With extensive experience supporting people through grief, and the professionals who work with them, Heather delivers practical, compassionate insights grounded in counselling, psychology, and emotional wellbeing. Her work focuses on helping individuals and organisations navigate grief with confidence and care.
When someone we care about is grieving, our natural instinct is often to make their pain better. We search for the right words, offer advice, or try to find solutions that might ease their suffering. Yet grief is not a problem to be solved or something that can be fixed. More often than not, what grieving people need is not answers but understanding, compassion, and the reassurance that they do not have to face their loss alone. In this article, we'll explore the difference between supporting someone's grief and trying to fix it, and why simply being present can be one of the most meaningful gifts we can offer.
Why do we feel the need to "fix" grief?
When someone we care about is grieving, it is natural to want to ease their pain. Seeing another person suffer can leave us feeling helpless, prompting us to search for the "right" words or offer advice in the hope of making things better for them. In many areas of life, we are taught to solve problems, find solutions, and focus on moving forward, so it is understandable that we approach grief in the same way. However, grief is not a problem to be solved or an emotion to be fixed. It is a deeply personal response to loss that deserves to be acknowledged rather than hurried away. By recognising our instinct to fix grief, we can begin to shift our focus from trying to remove someone's pain to simply walking alongside them with empathy, patience, and compassion.
When good intentions cause harm
Most people who support someone after a loss do so with genuine care and compassion. However, comments offered with good intentions can sometimes leave a grieving person feeling misunderstood or as though their emotions need to be minimised. Phrases such as "Everything happens for a reason," "They're in a better place," or "At least they're no longer suffering" are often said in an attempt to offer comfort, but they can unintentionally dismiss the depth of someone's grief. Likewise, encouraging someone to "stay strong" or "move on" may create pressure to hide emotions rather than express them, which can be harmful. Instead of searching for reassuring words, it is often more meaningful to acknowledge the person's loss, validate their feelings, and allow them the space to grieve in whatever way feels right for them. This helps people feel seen, heard, and accepted, reducing the isolation that so often accompanies grief and reinforcing the fact that they do not have to hide or justify their emotions.
What grieving people really need
While every person's grief is unique, there are some universal needs that many grieving people share. More than advice or solutions, they often need to feel listened to, understood, and accepted without judgement. Grief can bring a wide range of emotions, from sadness and anger to guilt, relief, confusion, or even moments of laughter. Having the freedom to express these feelings without fear of criticism can be incredibly healing. Grieving people also benefit from patience and ongoing support, as grief does not end after the funeral or within a set timeframe. Sometimes, one of the most meaningful things we can do is acknowledge their loved one by name, share a memory, or simply ask how they are coping or what they need. These small acts of compassion remind people that their loss has not been forgotten and that they do not have to carry their grief alone.
The power of simply being present
One of the greatest misconceptions about supporting someone through grief is believing that we need to have the perfect words. In reality, our presence is often far more valuable than anything we could say. Simply sitting with someone, listening without interrupting, allowing silence, and acknowledging their emotions without trying to change them can provide a profound sense of comfort. Being present communicates, "You don't have to go through this alone," even when there are no answers or solutions. Grief cannot be taken away, but knowing that someone is willing to stay alongside us in our pain can reduce feelings of loneliness and help us feel supported, understood, and connected during one of life's most difficult experiences.
Practical ways to support someone who is grieving
Supporting someone through grief is rarely about finding the perfect words, it is about showing up with compassion, consistency, and a willingness to listen. While every person's experience of grief is different, small, thoughtful actions can have a lasting impact. Rather than trying to take away their pain, focus on creating a space where they feel safe to express it. Here are some simple but meaningful ways to support someone who is grieving:
Avoid clichés or trying to find the "right" words: Comments such as "Everything happens for a reason" or "They're in a better place" are usually offered with good intentions, but they can unintentionally minimise someone's pain. Rather than searching for the perfect response, acknowledge the person's loss with honesty and compassion. A simple "I'm so sorry" or "I'm here for you" is often far more meaningful.
Listen more than you speak: When someone is grieving, they rarely need us to have all the answers. Most often, they need someone who is willing to listen without interrupting, judging, or trying to change how they feel. Active listening communicates that their thoughts and emotions matter, helping them feel heard, understood, and less alone.
Acknowledge their loved one by name: Many grieving people fear that their loved one will be forgotten. Saying their name, sharing a memory, or asking about them shows that their life continues to matter. While some worry that this may upset someone, most grieving people are already thinking about the person they have lost and often appreciate the opportunity to speak about them.
Accept that grief has no timeline: Grief does not follow a schedule, and there is no point at which someone should be expected to have "moved on." Everyone experiences loss differently, influenced by their relationship, personality, previous experiences, and the circumstances surrounding the death. Allowing people to grieve at their own pace helps reduce pressure and validates their individual experience.
Check in long after the funeral: Support often surrounds someone immediately after a bereavement, but it gradually fades as life returns to normal for everyone else. For the person grieving, however, the loss remains part of their everyday life. A message or phone call weeks or months later can remind someone that they are still thought of and supported when they may need it most.
Offer specific help: Instead of saying, "Let me know if you need anything," which is so broad that someone in the depths of bereavement may not respond, offer practical support that requires little effort from the grieving person. Suggestions such as dropping off a meal, collecting children from school, walking the dog, or accompanying someone to an appointment remove the burden of having to ask for help at a time when decision making can feel overwhelming.
Respect that everyone grieves differently: There is no universal way to grieve. Some people openly express their emotions, while others process them more privately. Some may return to work quickly, while others need more time. Avoid comparing grief experiences or making assumptions about how someone "should" cope. Instead, respect their individual way of responding to loss.
Be comfortable with silence: Not every moment needs to be filled with conversation. Sitting quietly beside someone, offering a hug if appropriate, or simply being present can provide immense comfort. Silence can create space for reflection and emotion, reminding someone that they do not have to carry their grief alone.
Remember important dates: Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and significant milestones can reignite feelings of grief, even years after a loss. Remembering these dates with a thoughtful message or gesture lets someone know that neither they nor their loved one has been forgotten. Small acts of remembrance can have a lasting impact and will mean more to the person who is grieving than you may ever know.
Simply be present: Above all, remember that your presence is more valuable than perfection. You do not need to fix grief or make the pain disappear. That is not your job. By showing up consistently with kindness, empathy, and patience, you offer something that no advice ever can: the reassurance that someone does not have to face their grief alone.
Supporting without trying to take the pain away
One of the greatest acts of compassion we can offer someone who is grieving is to accept that we cannot take their pain away. They know you can’t fix it for them, and they don’t expect you to. Grief is a natural response to losing someone or something deeply meaningful, and while we may wish we could make it disappear, our role is not to fix it but to walk alongside the person experiencing it. By listening without judgement, acknowledging their loss, and remaining present through the difficult moments, we help reduce the loneliness and isolation that grief can bring. In the end, people are unlikely to remember the perfect words we said, but they will remember who showed up for them and how we made them feel. Sometimes, the most meaningful support comes not from trying to change someone's grief, but from showing them that they don't have to carry it alone.
A final reflection
Supporting someone through grief is not about having all the answers or finding the perfect words. It is about choosing connection over comfort, presence over solutions, and compassion over the need to fix what cannot be fixed. Every conversation we have about grief has the potential to remind someone that their pain is valid, their loved one is remembered, and they are not alone in carrying their loss. If we can become more comfortable sitting alongside grief rather than trying to remove it, we can create a culture where people feel safe to express their emotions without fear of judgement. Perhaps the greatest gift we can offer someone who is grieving is not the promise that things will get better, but the reassurance that they do not have to face their grief alone.
If this article has resonated with you and you'd like to continue the conversation, you may also enjoy my article, Why Conversations About Grief Matter More Than Ever, where I explore how open dialogue can help create a more grief-informed society. You can also read my interview, How Parental Loss Shaped My Work With Grief, to learn more about the personal experiences that inspired my work.
For a deeper exploration of grief, healing, and finding purpose after loss, my book, Guided by Grief, is available now. I also share practical guidance, education, and reflections on grief and bereavement through my Instagram community. I invite you to connect, continue learning, and help create a world where no one needs to navigate grief alone.
Read more from Heather Higgins
Heather Higgins, Counsellor & Grief Coach
Heather is a grief specialist, counsellor, author and facilitator with extensive experience supporting children, young people, adults and the professionals who care for them. After loosing both parents at a young age, she now uses her lived experience to support others through bereavement. Her work focuses on helping individuals and organisations better understand grief, loss, and emotional resilience through practical, compassionate approaches. Through her writing and teaching, she aims to make conversations around grief more informed, accessible, and human.
