Written by: Tracy Renee Stafford, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
When I grew up, respect was something I was taught to give to my parents, aunts, uncles, teachers, the police – basically to anyone in authority. Giving it to myself never even entered my mind. If I had to choose between respecting my own intuition or respecting what someone in a position of power told me I ‘should’ do, too often I chose the latter. While there may be some kind of old-timey sense in there, this habit carried over into my adulthood, where my lack of self-respect led me to choose unhealthy relationships, to make unhealthy lifestyle choices, and in general to live a life of disempowerment & self-doubt.
How fortunate I was that life kept bringing me lessons (sometimes very hard ones) to help me learn that self-respect, which is basically synonymous with self-love, is one of the most powerful virtues that we need to develop.
May all of us,
no matter what we’ve done or not done,
no matter who we are or who we’re not,
no matter what we have or what we don’t
…give deep respect (& love) to ourselves.
What does respecting ourselves really mean?
It means we acknowledge that, at our foundation, regardless of all circumstances, we are worthy. We are worthy of being our perfectly imperfect selves, of loving & being loved just as we are, able to pursue our own vision of happiness, & of being treated with the same dignity & regard that every human being deserves. Period.
Self-respect means that we trust ourselves to decide
what our values & priorities are
what boundaries we need in order to feel safe & comfortable
what relationships we feel are important to nurture, or not.
It means that we’re kind to ourselves.
When we’re feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or out of gas, we don’t try to push through in order to meet our own, or someone else’s, unrealistic expectations.
When we reach out for support, instead of seeing this as a sign of weakness, we see it as the brave act that it truly is.
When our bodies, hearts & minds are travelling in conflicting & kamikaze directions, we don’t judge or punish ourselves. Instead, we understand that having passions, fears, & needs doesn’t make us any less worthy of respect. It simply makes us human.
Self-respect means that we honour just how much power we have to create our own lives, yet we don’t think any less of ourselves when we find it difficult to navigate the u-turns, detours, & bumps in the road that life inevitably brings.
Respecting ourselves means that we treat ourselves as the precious jewel that we truly are, irrespective of how many ‘flaws’ we might see in our facets.
While no one needs to earn respect, because it’s an inherent right, we do need to nurture it within ourselves.
What does nurturing respect look like?
taking our commitments to ourselves & others seriously, and following through on these commitments as best we can (with kindness).
recognizing that any words or actions of unkindness, dishonesty, or disrespect to ourselves or another is a kind of betrayal of our self-respect, requiring reflection & possibly, atonement.
understanding that respect has nothing to do with our personal ego, achievements, reputation, or bank account. There is no need to ‘prove our worth’ because it’s a fundamental right.
not taking other people’s ‘stuff’ personally. Although we may have to create strong boundaries with others, we don’t take their words or actions as a reflection of who we are. As Mark Twain says,“What other people think of me is none of my business”.
accepting ourselves as we are while also giving ourselves what’s needed to keep growing & flourishing.
Respect & Kindness are Synonymous
When we need to make amends with ourselves after falling out of alignment (which happens to all of us) we do it with kindness. We never punish ourselves. Yes, we hold ourselves, our words, & our actions to account. But we also hold kindness, forgiveness & compassion in the same hand as we hold our self-respect.
When we don’t respect ourselves
Many of us, myself included, were not taught to esteem ourselves with respect.
Putting our faith & respect into our church, our institutions, or in the family authority figures may have been taught as the guiding principle, rather than putting our faith into ourselves.
Family trauma, abandonment, abuse, or systematic prejudice may have caused us to feel unworthy, unloveable, or worse.
We may have seen our caregivers treat themselves in a disrespectful & unloving way, and we unconsciously took that on, mirroring their behaviour.
Tragically, a path commonly chosen for soothing these deep wounds is to fall into addictive behaviours.
What’s more, when we don’t respect ourselves we can become a magnet for people who reinforce our disempowering beliefs. Those with bullying, psychopathic & narcissistic tendencies actively seek out those with low self-regard. The ‘love-bombing’ that narcissists do at the beginning of a relationship can seem to perfectly fill the unmet needs of one who lacks love in themselves. This later usually transforms into ‘gaslighting’, where the receiver, over time, is led to doubt their own reality & even their own selves, so they can be more easily controlled.
Lacking self-respect can have some serious consequences.
Finally, when we don’t respect ourselves, the young people in our lives see this.
Just as we may have mirrored the disrespectful & unkind behaviour that our caregivers gave to themselves, we too can pass on our own lack of self-love & respect to the younger ones who are watching us, causing the cycle to continue.
If there is one positive contribution that we can make to this world, it is to bring more respect for all beings, including ourselves, into it.
How can we begin to nourish our sense of self-respect?
If, upon reading this, you sense that you may have been treating your body, heart, mind, or any part of yourself with a lack of respect, my first word of advice to you is kindness. Be kind to yourself in small but consistent ways. I’ve written extensively about positive self-nurturing, a topic dear to my heart. This particular article speaks well to it, and I invite you to read it here.
I’m also a firm believer in surrounding ourselves with positive messaging from wise people, to keep us on track especially when our own negative self-talk starts to take over. My favourite teachers & writers who specialise in self-compassion, self-esteem, & self-forgiveness are Kristin Neff, Kelly McGonigal, Carolynn Myss, & Pema Chodron.
Finally, we can look to the list above of what self-respect looks like. For example, we can practice making tiny but achievable commitments to ourselves and we can practice keeping those commitments. And then we can practice being kind to ourselves if ever we fall off track! We can do this with the whole list – being more aware of how we talk to ourselves, not taking other people’s stuff personally, and so on. Self-respect is not a static object. It is a living, breathing practice.
Cultivating respect for oneself might sound a bit tough, but it is exactly the opposite. It is love. It is compassion for ourselves when we ‘screw up’. It is believing in ourselves when it seems like no one else does. It is giving ourselves a second, a third, & innumerable chances. It is knowing that no matter what, we are loveable, worthy, & divine.
If any of the ideas I offer here resonate with you, I invite you to click here to receive the 5 Day Introduction to Fully Embodied Living. Each day includes guided stretching, breath practice, meditation, & support for intuitive eating & personal development.
Tracy Renee Stafford, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine Tracy Renee Stafford is a coach in Fully Embodied Fitness a weave of yoga, pilates, dance, & functional exercise and in Fully Embodied Living based on 4 Pillars of Well Being: Connection to Body, Nourishment, Presence & Growth. Her mission is to help people discover how they can make self care a celebration, rather than an obligation, & enjoy the body for how it feels, rather than just for how it performs or looks. She ran her own studio in the Canadian Prairies heartland for 20 very rewarding years where she taught various forms of fitness, with a specific interest in injury prevention & rehabilitation and empowering students with information on HOW the body works best. She is a Mindful Movement, Holistic Living & Nutrition Coach, weaving together all of her expertise into her Fully Embodied Living Programs. She currently lives in Buenos Aires and keeps her passion for dance alive by studying Argentine Tango.
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