Written by: Karin Brauner, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
How many times have you wanted to say “no” or “not right now” to someone and said “yes” instead? How did you feel?
I know I have done that in the past, and still have to remind myself that it’s OK to say “no” once in a while.
The results of not saying “no” when all of our being is screaming for us to do that might be deeper than we thought. Here are a few to think about:
You’ll end up in a situation where you wish you weren’t, looking at the time or planning for the next available moment where you can leave and do what you wanted to do in the first place.
You’ll resent yourself and feel awful for not listening to your gut feelings.
You’ll resent the person or people you said “yes” to for even asking you to do something you didn’t want to do.
Your mental health might suffer because you’re not being true to yourself.
But what about the guilt that comes with saying “no”?
Good question! Dealing with the guilt is a big part of setting boundaries.
Here are a few things that might be bringing the guilt up when you choose to say “no”:
Not meeting societal expectations where we have to be there and be everything for everyone else, to our own detriment.
We’ve been raised to think we’re selfish when we think of ourselves.
We are “people pleasers” that can’t stand feeling like we let someone down.
We’ve put ourselves on the side or in the background for so long that putting ourselves first is an alien concept.
People we say “no” to are not used to us doing that, so they will guilt-trip us into saying “yes” (how convenient for them if you cave, right!)
Some simple things you can start doing to minimize guilt and maximize being true to yourself, and therefore setting boundaries and saying “no”:
Is society living your life? Is your friend or family member living your life? Do they know your life circumstances or your immediate needs? Maybe you are really tired or need some space, but they can’t see it because you’ve not voiced it. The only way to get our needs met is to set boundaries. Saying “no” doesn’t mean you don’t like or love someone. It just means you’re choosing to love yourself first and honour yourself first. It doesn’t mean you’re not going to help – sometimes it does – it just means you’re being true to yourself and preventing resentment of yourself and others.
Self-care is not selfish. It’s essential. Setting boundaries and meeting our own needs are essential. If we look after ourselves before others, we will have more emotional, mental, and physical energy to help them with the things they want us to help them with.
Bring yourself back to the forefront of your life. You can do this by weighing your options, listening to your gut feelings about each request that comes your way, go to therapy for the sole purpose of figuring out what you want out of life, what you need in your relationships, and how you want to achieve those things.
Stand firm when your boundaries are challenged. You better than anybody else know where you are at this particular point in life. You know why you’re saying “no” or “no, later” right now. Honour that, and if you stand firm, people will start to honour it too.
I’ve written 20 Self-Care Habits with lots more practical ways for you to set clear boundaries and meet your needs. It’s now available on Amazon and wherever books are sold.
Karin Brauner, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Karin Brauner is passionate about helping people get on track – or back on track – in their personal and professional lives through practical tools and inspirational conversations in a variety of settings.
Karin teaches tools that she’s learned and developed throughout her own life and career. She knows how hard things can get, but also how great things can be once you move through to the other side.
She now shares the knowledge she’s gained, through various mediums, to show people a path to better self-care, support when processing their past, and working out their present so they can lead an improved life and thrive in their personal and professional relationships.
