Redefining Rejection
- Brainz Magazine
- Jun 7, 2021
- 8 min read
Written by: Tommesa Mobley, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
There’s probably not one person reading this article who has never felt the sting of rejection. I’m sure that we all can agree that rejection hurts. It can make us feel tense, heartbroken, defeated, and worthless. It can make us question and doubt ourselves. According to the Oxford Handbook of Social Exclusion, rejection is both a cause and consequence of depression. Sadly, feelings of rejection play a role in the rising rates of anxiety and suicide. The good news is it doesn’t have to be this way.
Rejection doesn’t have to be something that makes us discouraged or depressed. And it certainly isn’t something that should make us feel as if we need to bend over backward and make unhealthy choices to prove to the world that we are, indeed, worthy of love and attention. We can learn to redefine and reframe it as a tool for growth rather than a monster we need to be afraid of. If we can revisit and learn from the rejections we’ve faced, we may find in them a magnificent catalyst for success.
Rejection as a Projection
The first rule in redefining rejection is don’t take it personally, even if it is personal based on some judgment that has been made about you. It says nothing about your ability to learn, grow, and improve. So, there’s no real reason for you to carry an incident of rejection around with you. You don't have to allow it to determine your actions moving forward.
Sometimes, the rejections we face have more to do with the other person’s inner turmoil than with our value. A psychological projection is when people attribute their own uncomfortable feelings or emotions to you rather than taking ownership or dealing with them. For instance, in the world of network marketing, opportunities are often rejected because the person feels they are inadequate to achieve success. They find it easier to put you down or call the opportunity a scam than to admit they don’t think they can do it.
This can make the person offering the opportunity feel bad and give up. But when you see rejection as a projection that says more about the other person’s insecurities than it does about you, you can move forward with confidence. When you don’t take it personally, you can see it as a learning opportunity. Perhaps, you can improve the way you ask or possibly target a different type of individual.
Truly, if you’re constantly asking people to look at an opportunity who don’t feel they can be successful with it, you will consistently deal with this kind of rejection. But what if you began to target people who were just as eager for an opportunity as you are to share it? I’d be willing to bet that your rate of rejection would go down.
Rejection as Redirection
One of the most common places where we all have felt rejection is romantic relationships. From being turned down for a date to cheated on, everyone has a story about when they were made to feel like they just weren’t enough by someone they had some interest in. The problem isn’t so much the word “no.” It’s more the meaning we attach to it and how we allow it to make us feel.
When I look back over the “failed” relationships in my life and compare my narrative to what I know to be true now, the contrast is nothing short of amazing. First, I allowed myself to believe that the rejection I felt because these relationships didn’t work out meant that I was damaged somehow. I remember feeling so broken at times that I thought that life possibly wasn’t even worth living. For a while, I simply refused to accept my life on the universe’s terms. Let me explain what I mean.
Each of us is born for a divine purpose. There’s nothing that exists that does not have a purpose for its existence. Now, the purpose for which we are born is a gift to us and a gift to the world. Each of us comes into the world carrying something that the world needs. The question is, in the time that we have here, will we manifest that gift into the world or not. Sadly, very few of us do. Often, we get derailed from the path to purpose by the challenges of life. Rejection is one of those challenges. But does that make it a bad thing?
Not at all. Looking back on my own relationships that didn’t work out the way I thought I wanted them to at the time, I realize that each of them has been a blessing. According to my purpose, hidden in those rejections was the protection from something or someone that had no place in my future life. Each time I found myself focused on a relationship, the universe stepped in to redirect me back on the path of manifesting my gifts.
Had it not been for those times of rejection and pain, I would not have become the skilled practitioner I am today. Had I allowed the pain to stop me in my tracks, the many lives I’ve touched would not have had that benefit. Because of that redirection, I’m not stuck in what might have been a loveless relationship. Today I’m authoring this article for thousand of readers around the world. I’m growing a virtual wellness center and teaching people to heal themselves, mind, body, and soul. My life is full of possibility and freedom because I alone have the power to decide how it will turn out. Such is the gift of rejection.
Rejection as Self-manifestation
Khalil Gibran wrote, “Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.” Buried beneath the pain of rejection, I’ve discovered the blessings of meaning and purpose, a treasure in which lies the prosperity of fulfillment and keys to unlock the vault to a level of riches that go far beyond money. The breaking of my shell has been the realization of my own ability to manifest the best in me and serve the world in a way that is uniquely mine. What greatness will you find hidden beneath the pain of your own rejections?
To quote another of my beloved mentors, Dr. Wayne Dyer, “In my office, I have two framed posters. One is a picture of Albert Einstein, beneath the words, ‘Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.’ The other poster is made up solely of the words: ‘I’m grateful to all those people who said no. It is because of them I did it myself.’ Great Thoughts!”
Great thoughts, indeed. We would all do well to keep them in mind the next time we face rejection. Thankfully, the greatness within us has nothing to do with the level of rejection we experience. Rejection simply happens. What matters is what we choose to do with it when it does. Will we choose to see it as the psychological projections of mediocre minds? Will we see it as a cue to take matters into our own hands and do it ourselves? Will we allow it to be a speedbump on the road to success or make it a stop sign and give up?
Your answers to these questions are pivotal because how you chose to approach rejection can change the entire trajectory of your life. It’s entirely up to you if you will allow it to hinder the manifestation of your true self and gifts into the world. It’s worth taking the time to consider.
Rejection as Self-love
No one likes to be rejected. As I mentioned in the opening paragraph, rejection can hurt. If I’m perfectly honest, I will tell you that I’ve struggled with asking for things I’ve really needed because of the fear of rejection. But rejection has another side. I mean, sometimes you are the one that needs to do the rejecting. The issue here comes down to two words: entitlement and obligation. The person doing the asking feels entitled and the one being asked feels obliged. At least, these are the stories we tend to tell ourselves.
Now, being someone who has wrestled with a fear of rejection, I can tell you that I’ve also struggled with saying no. The reasoning behind it is simple if you know rejection hurts and you don’t want to hurt people, you don’t want to say no. But, what about when the healthy thing to do is to say no? Is it possible that it is something about how we choose to say no that hurts and not the word itself?
Is it possible to say no with love and compassion? I remember once, back when I was studying to become a massage therapist, a classmate and I went to the local mall to have lunch. She was a pretty girl, the kind of person who felt like the sun and moon rose because she said so. But I liked her, possibly because I could see beneath all of that. Well, that day, a guy walked up to her and attempted to start a conversation. She immediately became hostile and unnecessarily meant. I felt sad for the poor guy, at least until he explained that he wasn’t trying to ask her out but wanted to give us a flyer for his new business.
I thought about this for a long time afterward. I thought about how much nerve one must gather to walk up and say anything to a stranger. It doesn’t matter if you’re asking for a date, sharing your business, or anything else. The thing to understand is that we are dealing with other human beings who have real feelings. So, why not just be polite? Some of my best friends are guys who were attracted to me. Although I wasn’t interested in them in the same way, my choice to be honest in a nice way has blessed me with some powerful lifelong friendships.
I’ve experienced times when saying yes to everything has led to me spreading myself too thin and, in the end, not being able to meet my self-imposed obligations. In hindsight, I could have done the most loving thing for myself and the other person to give an honest no rather than a dishonest yes. Today, I have a simple rule “Never say yes to anything I don’t want to do.” Self-love is about choosing to live a life of integrity. Saying yes when you want to say no is completely out of alignment with this. This has everything to do with honoring yourself by standing in your truth.
From my view as a holistic practitioner, one simple truth guides my philosophy on rejection as self-love, and it is this: Liars do not heal. It doesn’t matter if you eat right. You can take all the supplements and herbal remedies in the world. You can meditate, visualize, and say affirmations until the cows come home. But if you are in a state of disharmony because your words don’t match your will, your body will eventually turn on you. My point is that an honest no is always better than a dishonest yes.
Rejection is an inevitable occurrence in life. It’s not inherently good or evil. It simply is. We can choose to accept it as it is, learn from it, and use it as a springboard from which to grow. Or we can be afraid of it and diminish our lives to avoid it. In other words, we can choose to appreciate the gifts it brings or see it as a woeful presence. In the end, what we choose to do with it will make all the difference.
Tommesa Mobley, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Tommesa Mobley TND, CHD, SMEAD, Msc.D, CHHP is a Holistic Wellness Practitioner and Consultant. From childhood, she has always had an overwhelming desire to be "of service." This desire to help people was fueled by watching loved ones struggle with chronic conditions that could've been solved with dietary and lifestyle changes. No stranger to adversity, overcoming her own struggles with mental and emotional health, poverty, and various forms of abuse, has provided her with a unique understanding of the healing power of love: love of self and each other. A lover of the natural world, she is a staunch advocate for plants, animals, the environment, and sustainability. Her life's mission is to help people live longer, happier, and more vibrant lives by teaching them to take better care of each other, our planet and honor themselves as whole beings; mind, body, and spirit. She is the founder of Healing Wisdom Holistics, a private membership wellness and coaching center that serves its members in the comfort of their own homes through a private online portal. She is the author of "Miracles & Magic of the Mundane: Things I Learned on the Way to Purpose.
.jpg)