Protecting My Autonomy and Understanding PDA in Late-Identified Neurodivergent Adults
- Brainz Magazine
- Aug 15
- 5 min read
Amy Noyes is a Neurodivergent-Affirming Coach and Consultant, specializing in late-identified Autistic and ADHD adults who are struggling with unmaking, burnout, and self-advocacy. Amy is passionate about creating consent-based space to guide clients in reconnecting with their needs, autonomy, and true selves.
Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) often gets misunderstood as controlling behavior, but for neurodivergent adults, it's a survival response. When autonomy feels threatened, the nervous system goes into self-protection mode, triggering fight, flight, freeze, or fawn reactions. This article explores how late-diagnosed neurodivergent individuals may experience PDA, the misunderstood traits that accompany it, and how reclaiming autonomy is key to healing. It emphasizes the need for support that respects boundaries, nurtures co-regulation, and values the person’s need for safety and autonomy.
Being misunderstood for decades wasn’t defiance, but a nervous system in self-protection mode
For so much of my life, I was treated as if I were a control freak. Loved ones would say, “You worry too much. Relax. Stop being so uptight.” I could never understand why I was being treated as if I were unreasonable.
What no one saw was the panic building inside me, the deep, unsettling feeling that I was completely misunderstood. I felt like I was floating in space with no tether, no connection, no one who could find me.
What I needed in those moments wasn’t judgment or dismissal; I needed someone to understand that when I lose my sense of autonomy or control, my nervous system enters survival mode: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.
Unfortunately, to stay safe in these misunderstood moments, I often defaulted to freeze/fawn mode, people-pleasing as a way to survive. I became someone who made others feel good, frequently centering them so they’d accept me. And who doesn’t like being the center of someone’s attention?
However, after more than four decades, the toll was enormous. The result was complete nervous system burnout.
As I began to understand my neurodivergence, Autism, and ADHD, someone shared a gem of wisdom that changed my self-perception:
“You’re not a control freak. You just get a little freaky when you feel out of control.”
That’s what happens when your nervous system is constantly scanning for threats, especially demands or requests that make you feel like you’re losing your autonomy and, with it, your safety.
What I was experiencing was Pathological Demand Avoidance, also known as Persistent Drive for Autonomy (PDA).
PDA from the inside
From the outside, PDA can look like “behavior problems,” emotional outbursts, meltdowns, yelling, or even tantrums. It can look like someone being controlling, manipulative, or oppositional.
But from the inside? It feels like fear. Disorientation. Anxiety. A loss of control. Self-doubt. And being under constant internal threat.
Common traits of PDA (Neff, 2024)
Evading everyday demands, such as personal hygiene or taking medication
Concealed social struggles often lead to masking or camouflaging.
Autonomy protection, sometimes showing up as hyper-independence
Social strategies to navigate pressure, such as negotiation, distraction, and even refusal
Obsessive behaviors, including intense interests or perfectionism
Power dynamics, either resisting authority or hyper-complying when masking.
Misunderstood and misdiagnosed
From a neuronormative perspective, PDA is often misunderstood or misdiagnosed altogether. Pathologizing labels like Oppositional Defiant Disorder or even Borderline Personality Disorder are sometimes applied, which can further alienate and harm the individual.
Over time, trying to meet expectations through masking leads to burnout, often resulting in withdrawal, shutdowns, or being unable to maintain previously manageable routines. As a result, this can lead to feelings of isolation and being deeply misunderstood.
A nervous system in self-protection mode
What’s important to understand about PDA is that even perceived demands, spoken or implied, can trigger a threat response. This can activate the body’s fight, flight, freeze, or fawn instincts. These are nervous system responses, not personality flaws.
In PDA, even internal demands (like taking a shower, responding to a message, or starting a project you want to do) can feel overwhelming and impossible.
Providing safety, co-regulation, and support to regain autonomy is critical. What’s often labeled “challenging behavior” is a person seeking protection, not rebellion.
6 ways late-identified neurodivergent adults might relate to PDA
If you’ve been called difficult, controlling, demanding, or too sensitive, you haven’t failed; you’ve been deeply misunderstood. What you’ve been doing is seeking safety, autonomy, and self-preservation.
Here’s what might resonate if you suspect you’re a PDAer:
You struggle with internal demands, not just external ones, like brushing your teeth, taking medications, or doing things you genuinely want to do.
You may have grown up in environments where autonomy was not respected, resulting in anxiety, hypervigilance, and people-pleasing to maintain safety.
Conventional advice, on parenting, therapy, or productivity, may not work for you, because even helpful suggestions can feel like pressure, demands that can trigger resistance or shutdown. You may thrive with low-demand, choice-based, curiosity-driven approaches.
You are not alone. Many Autistic and ADHD adults are now discovering that PDA fits their lived experience just as much as other neurotypes discovered previously.
Burnout is real. After spending much of your life masked or trying to tamp down your need for autonomy and safety, you may experience burnout. Burnout is often defined as loss of skill, increased sensory sensitivities, and exhaustion that does not change with rest. (Raymaker, 2020)
Consent-based support is essential. You don’t need to be “fixed.” You need collaborative, autonomy-respecting relationships that help you co-regulate and build trust.
Reframing PDA
PDA is not about being controlling or difficult; it’s about your nervous system seeking safety in a world that often denies you the autonomy you need.
Healing means reclaiming your right to say no, to set boundaries, and to protect your peace.
It means recognizing your nervous system’s wisdom, and choosing curiosity over compliance, connection over correction.
As you continue your journey of self-discovery, seek out people and professionals who get it.
PDAers don’t need to be reshaped.
They need to be understood, respected, and empowered to thrive in ways that honor their autonomy.
At ND friendly life
We center our support around exactly that. Our coaching model is built to meet you where you are, through collaboration, deep listening, and honoring your unique neurotype.
Learn more here.
Visit my website for more info!
Read more from Amy Noyes
Amy Noyes, Autistic and ADHD Coach and Advocate
Amy Noyes is a late-identified Autistic, ADHD, and PDA individual with a deep commitment to helping others discover and embrace their authentic selves. They understand how living in environments not designed for neurodivergent ways of being can lead to internalized ableism. Amy believes that uncovering one’s neurodivergence can unlock self-understanding, self-acceptance, and the ability to create spaces that truly support our brains. With degrees and professional experience in Autism Studies, Transpersonal Psychology, and Social Work, Amy has dedicated their life to supporting anyone who wants to better understand their true self.
