Navigating Boundaries – A Survivor's Journey
- Brainz Magazine
- Jun 27, 2024
- 5 min read
Malissa Veroni is the founding CEO and lead therapist at Keep’N It Real Solutions. For the past 15 years Malissa has been a foot soldier in the field of social work; teaching, and serving students and clients alike. She is a published author, mentor, and mental health therapist who focuses on combining theory, practical approach and individual quality holistic care to help clients heal and grow from a variety of concerns.
Meet Sarah, a resilient survivor of narcissistic abuse. When she first sought help, she was advised to establish firm boundaries with her abusive partner. She tried setting rules, like asking her partner not to yell at her. Instead of respect, she faced increased manipulation and danger. Once, she was even told to provoke her partner until he became violent so she could call the police—an approach that nearly escalated into physical harm. Over time, Sarah learned that setting boundaries wasn’t about changing her partner’s behaviour but about protecting her own well-being.
Survivors of narcissistic abuse often hear they need to establish boundaries with their abusers—whether partners, parents, colleagues, bosses, or family members. Unfortunately, this well-meaning advice can backfire, leading to further manipulation and harm. For instance, one client was advised to provoke her partner until he became violent so she could call the police—a strategy that could have escalated the situation and put her in danger. Others find themselves feeling responsible for fixing the relationship or managing their abuser’s emotions.
The reality is that boundaries are much more complex than simply setting rules for others. They exist to protect us and to define how we will respond to certain behaviours or situations. Boundaries can be emotional, physical, sexual, financial, and more, and they are crucial for maintaining our well-being and autonomy.
The true purpose of boundaries
When setting boundaries in the context of narcissistic abuse, the focus should be on boundaries for oneself, rather than trying to change the behaviour of the narcissistic individual. This approach protects your well-being and empowerment, rather than trying to change the narcissist's behaviour.
Practical examples of personal boundaries
Setting boundaries for oneself involves identifying your personal limits and communicating them assertively. Here are some examples:
Emotional boundaries
"I will not tolerate being yelled at or belittled."
"I deserve to be treated with respect and kindness."
"I will not engage in conversations that make me feel guilty or ashamed."
Physical boundaries
"I am uncomfortable with physical contact that I have not consented to."
"I need my personal space respected. Please do not invade it without permission."
"I will not tolerate any form of physical aggression or violence."
Sexual boundaries
"I have the right to say no to any sexual activity that I am not comfortable with."
"I will only engage in sexual activities that are consensual and respectful."
Financial boundaries
"I will not lend money that I cannot afford to lose."
"I am not responsible for someone else's financial obligations."
Time and energy boundaries
"I need time alone to recharge, and I will set aside regular 'me time.'"
"I will not over-commit myself and will say no to requests that drain me."
Social media and technology boundaries
"I will not engage in online conversations that are hurtful or negative."
"I will set limits on my screen time to prioritize real-life interactions."
Work boundaries
"I will not work outside of my designated hours without fair compensation."
"I will take breaks when needed to prevent burnout."
Family and relationship boundaries
"I will not tolerate verbal, emotional, or physical abuse from anyone, including family members."
"I will prioritize my needs and well-being in my relationships."
The importance of boundaries for healing
Setting and maintaining these boundaries can be challenging, especially in the face of manipulation or resistance from others. However, they are crucial for protecting your mental, emotional, and physical health, and for establishing healthy and respectful relationships. It is absolutely okay to cease contact with someone who refuses to respect your boundaries. Your peace of mind and well-being are paramount. You deserve to live in a space where your boundaries are honoured and your mental health is protected.
In conclusion
Setting boundaries is a crucial aspect of healing from narcissistic abuse, but it’s important to approach it with care and an understanding of its complexities. Boundaries are about protecting yourself and defining how you will be treated, not about trying to change someone else.
Remember, you are not alone in this journey. Seek support from professionals who understand narcissistic abuse and can guide you through the process of establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries. You deserve to feel safe, respected, and empowered in all aspects of your life.
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The advice in this article is for informational purposes only and may not be suitable for all situations, especially when dealing with narcissistic individuals. It should not replace professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the guidance of a qualified healthcare provider with any questions or concerns. In case of emergency, contact local authorities immediately. The author and publisher are not liable for any consequences arising from the use of this information. Use it at your own risk.
Malissa Veroni, Founding CEO & Lead Therapist
Malissa Veroni is the founding CEO and lead therapist at Keep’N It Real Solutions. For the past 15 years Malissa has been a foot soldier in the field of social work; teaching, and serving students and clients alike. She is a published author, mentor, and mental health therapist who focuses on combining theory, practical approach and individual quality holistic care to help clients heal and grow from a variety of concerns. Malissa is known as a specialist in the field of Narcissistic Abuse, Intimate Partner Violence, the LGBTQ2s Community, and in Sex Therapy. She is also a Designated Capacity Assessor and a mentor to several social workers worldwide.
