My Journey with Depression, Overcoming Struggles and Finding Healing
- 6 days ago
- 5 min read
Written by Jenny Hersey, Life Coach and Counsellor
Jenny Hersey is a counsellor, life coach, supervisor, and critical incident debriefer. She has spent two decades in this field and works with individuals, groups, and businesses.
I first started suffering symptoms of depression when I was twenty-one. At the time, I was working three jobs, only allowing myself a Sunday afternoon off. My Sunday afternoons were for drinking alcohol, and I would usually pass out on the sofa after a drinking binge.
As I am writing this, I cannot remember why I was working so much, but I can guess it was because I was running away from something. What I do remember is how I felt during that time.
I have a vivid memory of driving in the car and feeling like a bucket of water had been poured over me. A feeling of complete and utter despair washed through me, and I felt like I was choking.
This was the first time I had felt like this, and I did not know what it was. It started to get more frequent and I felt like I was going mad. I could not sleep and when I did manage to drop off, I then could not get out of bed. I could not stop crying and sobbed and sobbed until my eyes were so swollen I struggled to see. I felt a sense of utter hopelessness and the pain I felt was so bad.
I was exceptionally good at hiding what I was going through. I was already abusing alcohol and cocaine with the friends that I had at the time and putting on a persona of someone who was happy, but inside, I felt like I was dying. Winston Churchill called his depression his “little black dog,” but mine felt like a demon that had invaded my body.
It soon got to the point where I could not hide it anymore. My family started to notice that something was wrong. Then one day, I just stopped talking. I remember my mum trying to talk to me and having a feeling that I was trapped inside my body. After one particularly nasty episode where I had a complete breakdown, my mum took me to my aunt’s house as she did not know what else to do. They ended up calling 999, which is the emergency services in the UK, and a mental health nurse came to the house. I remember her saying to me ‘do you need to be in hospital?’ I couldn’t answer her, I couldn’t even look at her. I was curled up in a ball as I felt so unsafe. The decision was made that the mental health crisis team would visit me every day at home.
I cannot remember a huge amount at this time, as I was so seriously unwell. I do remember that I wanted to end my life. The pain and sadness were so bad I thought I would never get through it, but I could not do that to my mum and family. I was a people pleaser at that time in my life, as I thought it would keep me safe (it did not). But people pleasing worked for me during that time, as it would not allow me to take my own life because of what it would do to my family. I knew, even on my worst days, that they would never get over it. But oh, how I wanted to. There were many times that I would sit with a box of tablets or with a knife to cut my wrists, but I just could not do it. Not for me, but for the people that I loved. I am so thankful now that I had the strength to resist that feeling.
With the help of medication, I managed to get myself to a place where I could use my voice again. I cannot remember how long I was mute for, but family members tell me it was a while. I started to see a small chink of light within the darkness, and I held on to it with everything I had. I was terrified that I was going to go back into complete blackness, so I knew I had to try and help myself. Music and exercise have always been a sanctuary for me, so I started to use it. I would put my earphones in, put a hat on, and would walk. At the beginning, it was just walking blindly with no sense of where I was going. I was terrified of being seen, so I would have my hat pulled down low and keep my head down. I did this every day. It started at fifteen minutes, as this was all I could manage, but it slowly got longer until I was eventually walking for hours at a time. I would walk for miles, still with my hat on and my music. My depression slowly started to lift until it got to a point where I could join civilisation again. This took around a year for me to be able to go back to work and start seeing people again.
I would love to tell you that after that, everything was ok because it was not. I was stuck in a cycle of depression and taking drugs and alcohol for over 10 years. But it never got that bad again. They say when you have reached rock bottom, the only way is up and this was true for me, but it took a huge amount of strength, medication, and self-love to get me here today. I have talked about trauma in other articles that I have written, and depression is a symptom of that. It was not until I started to heal myself of the trauma symptoms that I was experiencing that the depression went away for good. So, what did my experience of depression teach me about myself? It taught me that I have an inner strength. It taught me that I can overcome anything and it taught me that I was worth saving.
Eighteen months after that day when my voice was taken from me, I started working with a local mental health charity as a support worker. I wanted to use my experience for something good. That is where my career started and I have been working with people ever since. I am very spiritual and I believe that everything that I have experienced was meant to be. I was meant to help others heal and I was meant to teach people that you can overcome anything in your life. But you must put the work in. I learned from an early age that no one is coming to save you. I have only ever had myself to rely on.
If anyone reading this is struggling with depression, then please know that there is hope. Find out what works for you. What resources do you need in order to start to heal yourself? Is it exercise? Journalling? Painting or drawing? Do you have supportive people in your life that you can talk to? Reach out to someone. But the most important thing you must do? Go inwards because it is there you will find the answers that you need.
There was a time when I thought I would die from my depression. But I never. I am fully healed now, and you can do that too. You can find your way out of the darkness, you just need to let the light in.
Visit my website for more info!
Read more from Jenny Hersey
Jenny Hersey, Life Coach and Counsellor
Jenny Hersey runs her own business, working with people to create a life that brings them purpose and joy. A victim of childhood abuse, she has since dedicated her life to helping others. She works internationally and has clients in different parts of the world as well as in the UK, where she is based. Jenny's mission is to educate people about the ability to heal themselves. She believes that everybody should have access to counselling and life coaching, no matter what their circumstances are.
