Love Hurts and Your Brain Knows It
- Brainz Magazine
- Jun 18
- 5 min read
Emilia Valdez is the co-founder of DeMente, a mental health start-up focused on personal and professional development through workshops, group therapy and community reach-out programs. She works as a clinical psychologist in her private practice and collaborates as a professional in a foundation specialized in child abuse.
We’ve all felt it. The heavy chest. The racing thoughts. The sleepless nights. That dull ache and emptiness that follows you everywhere after a breakup or the loss of someone you love. But what if I told you that your brain processes emotional pain almost exactly like physical injury?
Heartbreak isn’t “just in your head”, and you can’t “just get over it”. It’s in your nervous system, your biochemistry, and your survival wiring, and neuroscience can prove it.
When love ends, your world doesn’t just change emotionally; it changes neurologically. Understanding this can transform how we heal.
Love and attachment: Wired for survival
Romantic love activates the brain’s reward system. These are the same areas that light up when people use drugs. Love is addictive, which is why separation can feel like withdrawal. But when love ends, so does that chemical high, creating distress for our brain.
From an evolutionary standpoint, forming a bond with a partner or social network provides security and increases the chances of survival. So, when that bond breaks, our brain reacts as if a critical lifeline has been severed. It’s not just sadness, it’s a threat to our survival, a direct hit to our functioning system.
Dr. Naomi Eisenberger, from the UCLA Social Neuroscience Lab, explains it like this: “The end of a relationship can activate the same neural pathways as physical pain because social connection is a basic human need.”
The neuroscience of heartbreak
Functional MRI studies show that rejection and heartbreak activate the anterior cingulate cortex, the same region in the brain that responds when we break a bone or experience some kind of injury. That’s why heartbreak doesn’t just “hurt” metaphorically, it actually hurts, and we can feel it in our body.
At the same time, your dopamine system crashes, creating a state of emotional craving, the desperate longing for something (someone) that is no longer there. The brain tries to restore that “high” of connection that was lost. This explains the obsessive thoughts, checking their social media, reaching out, and the urge to reconnect, even when we know it is unhealthy. For our brain, it’s a matter of survival more than just being “happy” or “in love.”
Cortisol, stress, and the broken heart syndrome
Emotional distress also spikes cortisol, the body’s primary stress hormone. Its primary role is to prepare the body for “fight, freeze, or flight” responses against a threat by increasing heart rate, blood pressure, and alertness.
Yet this evolutionary system can backfire. Chronically elevated cortisol can lead to fatigue, brain fog, lowered immunity, depression, anxiety, and, in extreme cases, even stress-induced cardiomyopathy, a temporary heart condition known as “broken heart syndrome.”
Your body feels the loss in every cell, and although heartbreak won’t kill you, it does take a toll.
“The body weeps the tears the eyes refuse to shed.” – Dr. Gabor Maté
Grieving the loss of a future
Neuroscience aside, heartbreak is a loss of meaning. You’re not just grieving a person, you’re grieving the story you were building: shared plans, future dreams, the version of you that existed in that relationship, and that will not come true.
Letting go isn’t about forgetting someone, it’s about reclaiming yourself. Finding new meaning, new purpose, and new stories that lie ahead of us.
Getting over heartbreak involves a reconstruction of self, learning to integrate this new version and your new life without the person you lost. It’s not about pretending they never existed or erasing everything you had. To move on, we must make peace with reality, grieve what we lost, and redefine our future.
It’s a process, it hurts, and it takes time. And yet, even in pain, the brain remains adaptable.
From pain to growth: The opportunity in heartbreak
The good news? The brain can heal.
Thanks to a phenomenon called neuroplasticity, the brain is wonderfully resilient. Just as love carves deep roots in your neural networks, with time, conscious self-care, and new experiences, we can rewire those patterns and create new connections.
Heartbreak, while agonizing, is often a portal for transformation. Psychology calls it post-traumatic growth, the idea that suffering can expand us, deepen our empathy, and clarify our values. From the ashes of what was, we discover and create what will be.
Help the process by allowing your grief to be a teacher. Ask yourself:
What did I learn about myself?
What patterns am I ready to break?
Who am I becoming through this pain?
What does the next version of me, post-healing, feel, value, and believe?
Tips to help your brain’s rewiring process:
Mindfulness and meditation to strengthen emotional regulation
Journaling to clarify patterns and accelerate integration
Exercise rebuilds dopamine paths and reduces cortisol levels
Nourishment with power foods and plenty of hydration
New experiences like travel, learning, or novelty create new neural pathways
Not broken, rewiring
If you´re in the middle of a heartbreak, remember: you´re not broken, your brain is just recalibrating. And that is both natural and necessary. It might feel hopeless and tiresome, but the storm will pass.
With compassion, time, and support, your mind will rewire towards a new story, one that doesn´t erase the pain, but integrates it into a wiser, more expansive version of yourself.
Remember, heartbreak is not a flaw in you. It is not a reflection of weakness, but of growth. It´s a reaction to how deeply you loved. Don´t allow the pain to change you negatively, don´t allow it to isolate you, or create resentment. Dare to rebuild and to love again - with greater awareness, authenticity, and strength.
You will not always feel this way. And that is both the pain and the promise of healing.
Want to learn more about how to help the mind rewire and heal? Head to my social networks and book your session.
Read more from Emilia Valdez Münchmeyer
Emilia Valdez Münchmeyer, Msc. Clinical Psychologist
Emilia Valdez Münchmeyer is a leader in mental health. Primarily focused on neuroscience, she invests her time in learning and teaching how to understand, rewire, and reach the full potential of mental, emotional, and spiritual development. Her love for animals inspired her to be certified as an animal-assisted therapist to further connect with her patients and encourage healing in all areas needed. ¨Your true potential is hiding behind your fears and everything everyone told you you are¨.
