Living in Lies – The Trap of the Victim Mentality
- Brainz Magazine
- Sep 15
- 6 min read
Carlos Wallace is a bestselling author, motivational speaker, and filmmaker, as well as the CEO of Sol-Caritas. A U.S. Navy veteran, he empowers communities nationwide through entertainment, education, and advocacy.
You cannot build a life on lies. Yep, I am getting right to the point with this one. To quote an old adage, a house built on a crooked foundation will collapse. The same holds true for a man or woman who exaggerates their pain, rewrites their past, or lives in the constant role of “victim.” Their lives are set on shaky ground, there is no stability.
Moreover, what the purveyor of that “woe is me” mentality does not take into consideration is that lies may buy you sympathy for a season, but they will bankrupt your spirit in the end. There is nothing fulfilling about living a life based on deception. Whatever you think you are gaining is baseless and fleeting, subject to falling apart as soon as the truth is revealed. That is no way to exist, yet so many people are trapped in that mental and spiritual void. When they are exposed and shamed, when they lose everything because their integrity, credibility, and reputation go up in flames, as soon as the smoke clears, they will realize that nothing good can come of deceit. By then, it is often too late.
It’s a hard truth for a lot of folks to accept. But sometimes, the tough realities are, ironically, the simplest ones.
I frequently speak with a group of fathers, and one theme continues to surface when it comes to their adult children, somewhere along the line, despite their sacrifice, love, support (and, in many cases, treating them to experiences other kids only dream of), their children would rather claim that their lives were marred by pain and neglect. For whatever reason, it has become normal to turn a blind eye to a life well lived and focus on burdens and misery that did not exist.
Now, I am not one to judge what a person says he or she is feeling until I hear both sides, but I have personally heard stories about a generation that says they were ravaged by pain and need. Eventually, these distorted stories become pure fiction.
Nothing is worse than someone who exaggerates their pain, whether to grab attention or to wound someone else. In doing so, they diminish the voices of those who have truly endured the heartache they pretend to know. And when the lie unravels, their entire life is left open to scrutiny. Hurt people may hurt people, but in the end, the deepest damage is self-inflicted.
After spending countless hours studying, researching, and speaking with professionals about the psychology behind dishonesty, I’ve come to a clear conclusion, accountability is the root of the matter. It’s the missing link that separates truth from deception and growth from stagnation.
There is a difference between telling a lie and living in lies. Too many people choose the latter. Over the years, I’ve encountered individuals who operate from a victim’s mentality, and what stands out is how often lies sit at the center of it all. They lie about what was done to them, inflate their hardships, or twist the truth in ways that ensure accountability never touches them. In their stories, blame is always someone else’s burden to carry.
Without accountability, lies multiply. Without research and reflection, it’s easy to dismiss this as a mere character flaw. But the evidence is clear, until we confront our own role in our stories, however painful, we remain stuck in a cycle of self-deception and misplaced blame.
I wrote in "Life Is Not Complicated – You Are" that adversity is one of life’s greatest teachers. How you deal with hardship says more about your character than anything else. Adversity is meant to refine you, not to be stretched into an excuse. Some people face their challenges head-on and grow from them. Others bend the truth, play the victim, and expect sympathy to carry them.
Psychologists even have a word for this pattern, mythomania, compulsive or pathological lying. It isn’t classified as its own disorder. Instead, it shows up as a symptom of deeper struggles like low self-esteem, insecurity, childhood trauma, or personality challenges such as narcissism or antisocial traits. The research makes it clear, lies are symptoms, not the root. The root is the refusal, or sometimes the inability, to take accountability.
And yet, symptoms or not, the damage is real. These lies fracture relationships, corrode trust, and cut off the chance for genuine personal growth. Without accountability, the cycle continues unchecked, leaving the person trapped in a narrative of blame shifting and avoidance, and leaving those around them carrying wounds that didn’t have to be inflicted.
From my own experience watching people close to me fall into this pattern, I’ve come to believe that what makes it most dangerous is repetition. A lie told once is fragile, but a lie repeated begins to harden into belief. Over time, guilt fades, accountability disappears, and the story rewrites itself in the liar’s mind until the victim role feels permanent. In my opinion, that is why reaching people caught in this cycle is so difficult. They aren’t simply telling lies, they’re living inside them, often without even realizing the prison they’ve built.
One of the more popular chapters in my book, The Other 99 T.Y.M.E.S., explores the influence of hip hop, specifically the theory that people latch onto the hook of a song while ignoring verses that carry the deeper story. I believe the same thing happens when people wallow in lies. They create a “hook” that captures sympathy and attention, replay it over and over, and conveniently leave out the verses (the real story, how experiences actually unfolded) that carry truth and accountability. A partial story, no matter how polished or catchy, is still a dishonest story, and it is just as destructive.
Fortunately, this kind of behavior isn’t impossible to spot. If you’re really listening, the signs reveal themselves, exaggerated stories dressed up as truth, constant blame shifting, a striking absence of guilt, and the wreckage of strained or broken relationships left in their wake. It’s like a hook played on repeat, catchy enough to grab attention but hollow and meaningless without the verses that give it meaning.
Here’s another hard truth I’ve learned (no pun intended), even when you recognize the signs, there’s not much you can do, especially if the other person isn’t ready to face themselves. That being said, you might as well leave it alone or risk being thoroughly frustrated, because no amount of confrontation or calling out will break the cycle. The shift only happens when the offender chooses to stop hiding behind lies and finally deal with reality. That path isn’t easy. It takes therapy, honesty, and humility. Growth never comes without discomfort, but it’s the only road that leads forward.
One more important point that bears mentioning, as I wrote in "Life Is Not Complicated – You Are", our foundation matters. Turn your back on truth, and you weaken your story. Face it, even the ugliest parts, and only then can you build a legacy worth passing on.
I know this delves into some heavy mental territory. For those who have been through this personally or know folks who have dealt with this issue, I’ll leave you with my two cents, for what it’s worth. When you come across someone locked in the victim mindset I’ve been describing, understand that what you’re hearing isn’t just excuses, it may be the echo of compulsive lying. Unless they’re ready for truth, you cannot heal them, fix them, or force them to change. What you can do is protect your peace. Pay attention to the signs. Stand firm in truth.
My late father summed it up best, when you know you’re right, there’s no need to argue.
Read more from Carlos Wallace
Carlos Wallace, President & CEO | Author | Filmmaker | Motivational Speaker
Carlos Wallace is a bestselling author, motivational speaker, and filmmaker who transforms real-life experiences into powerful stories that inspire change. A U.S. Navy veteran and former union leader, he brings a unique perspective on perseverance, purpose, and leadership. As CEO of Sol-Caritas, he produces socially conscious entertainment that uplifts communities. Through his books, films, and nationwide speaking tours, Wallace challenges audiences to live with intention and impact. His work bridges the gap between motivation and action, helping others turn adversity into an advantage.
