Listen to the Coach, Not the Critic
Written by Jim Lutz, Confidence Coach
Jim Lutz earned his reputation over 37 years of coaching novice to elite swimmers. He has also been in finance and insurance for over 20 years. He has earned the Neuro-Linguistic Programming Master designation from the American Board of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (ABNLP) and is a certified life coach.
Some people receive positive comments, whether they hear them or not. Those comments are there, even if they fall on deaf ears. Yet what people do hear and hold on to longer than they should are the negative comments coming from all sides. If they wouldn’t ask someone for an opinion, why give that person’s opinion any credence?
There is never a shortage of negativity, and positivity is so rare at times that it gets special recognition at the end of the newscast, giving viewers hope after 29 minutes of gloom and doom.
The negativity hits from all sides, and in some cases, it seems to be the norm. Critics look for fault and have mastered the skill the way a weaver masters the art of making a tapestry. As we age, we hear these comments so often that they seldom pierce us deeply, but they keep stacking up until the weight is too much to bear.
The tried and true, annoying critic
“You’re too old. Too late. Too far behind.” Too, too, too. The comments add up but never amount to anything good. They always put the recipient on the defensive, never giving them an adequate opportunity to see the light of day. The person delivering the comments uses them to break someone and gain control. The narcissist’s dream position.
“You’ve already failed at this once.” The pessimist finds failure in every viable solution. They feel it’s better to fail, accept the outcome, and then search for their next failure. Don’t ever try to improve your situation. Stay in your lane, but always complain when your situation never changes and definitely never improves.
“Who do you think you are?” Oh, the sheer audacity to think you might have a better solution or option. Insecurity at its finest. Don’t try again. You should definitely take my advice. If you try and succeed, it’ll make me look bad, and I can’t allow that.
The critic replays one bad race or one lost sale and calls it the whole story. A complete, unadulterated failure. Nothing could make me feel any better, and I want everyone else to be miserable as well. I had a setback, so everyone should feel the same way. There’s no way to correct this situation. The mental drama is over the top.
The critic has perfected this to the point that it sounds like reason, but they only ever count the misses. When things are going well, they’re miserable and out of their comfort zone.
Here’s the test: If the sentence can’t be obeyed, it’s the critic talking
For 37 years on the pool deck, I could quickly tell which voice a swimmer was listening to. Sometimes I could tell by the way they walked up to me to discuss race strategy or review a race. Did they hold their head up and smile, or did they look at the ground nervously? It was my job to know which buttons to push, how often, and for how long. I had to be careful not to use the same wording or “tricks” too often, as they lost strength each time.
Before telling them what I thought, I would ask, “What did you think of that?” Their first reaction gave me a wealth of information and the green light to coach them based on facts. Emotions run hot and cold and are too easy to rely on. Facts stand the test of time, and they place ownership and responsibility where they belong. In the mind of a confident athlete.
Research backs up the general idea. A 2011 analysis found that strategies athletes used to talk to themselves were associated with improved sports performance across the studies reviewed.[1]
The truth is impactful
Someone believed in you, coached you, and supported you when it felt like you were fighting every battle on your own. A coach, a teacher, a mentor, or a parent. The truth will help you face the naysayers and dissect their comments with surgical precision. One of the oldest ways to describe auditing your inner voice is “taking every thought captive” (2 Corinthians 10:5).
Name the critic. Give the voice a name, and it stops sounding like you. Once you recognize the critic’s voice, you begin to hear the voices of those who always wanted the best for you and supported you, especially during your most vulnerable moments.
Check the record. One page of actual evidence against the critic’s one bad memory. Listing the facts alongside those imagined failures shreds the critic’s argument. Highlight the facts with a bright yellow marker and cross out the imagined failures in black so you can’t see them anymore.
Take one rep of evidence. A small win you earned becomes a fact the critic cannot argue with. Your talents are yours. Your achievements are yours. Your confidence, attitude, and positive outlook are yours, and no one can take those away.
Borrow belief on purpose. Ask your coach what they see in you. Write it down, word for word. When you’re challenged, it’s easy to get distracted and confused. Carry the paper with you and pull it out whenever you need reassurance and confidence. Those words were said directly to you, for you.
Decide whose voice gets the last word before the day starts. Each day you have a choice. Will it be a good day or a bad day? Decide it’ll be a good day before your feet hit the floor.
The greatest athletes in the world have coaches who specialize in specific areas. They pay attention to every detail. Train your body, your mind, and your ear. Welcome what’s positive and constructive, and tune out everything else. The critic is no longer welcome in your world.
The critic has never coached anyone to anything. The coach has. Believe the one with the record.
Your turn this week. Catch one sentence and rewrite it the way your best coach would say it.
Read more from Jim Lutz
Jim Lutz, Confidence Coach
Jim Lutz is a published writer with 12 books and is currently working on a children's series focusing on attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) characteristics. It is a fun reading experience. His life coaching clients have ranged from world-ranked athletes to professionals and students. His program is designed to help individuals overcome self-doubt by breaking down limiting beliefs to build confidence. Jim empowers leaders who have experienced burnout, frustration, or a sense of "hitting the wall" to gain balance and achieve their highest global impact.
Reference:
[1]Hatzigeorgiadis and colleagues, 2011, Perspectives on Psychological Science.
