Learning to Love Yourself – Why It’s Hard and How to Practice It

Written by Grinia Bradwell, Intuitive Author & Writer

Grinia Bradwell, PhD, is a scientist, author, and Reiki Master exploring the intersection of science, consciousness, and personal growth. She is the author of The Energy Field: The Paths We Take Are the Choices We Make, a reflective memoir exploring personal transformation, cultural change, and inner awakening.

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Most people don’t wake up thinking, “I don’t love myself.” More often, the truth is quieter, we don’t know how we relate to ourselves at all. We move through life responding to responsibilities, expectations, and challenges, often without noticing the tone of our inner world. We may function well on the outside while internally pushing, judging, or dismissing our own needs. Over time, this internal relationship silently shapes our well-being, resilience, and sense of meaning.

In a world that is constantly changing, uncertain, and fast-paced, learning how to relate to ourselves with care is not a luxury, it is a skill we must develop if we want to thrive.

What is self-love?

Most of us were never taught how to have a healthy relationship with ourselves. We learn how to perform, adapt, and succeed, but not how to respond to our own struggles with care and compassion.

Self-love is not being selfish or self-serving. Self-love is not about being vain or egocentric. At its core, self-love is about how you treat yourself when challenges arise. It is about how you respond when you fail, feel overwhelmed, or don’t meet your own expectations.

A closely related concept, self-compassion, refers to the ability to respond to our own struggles with kindness, awareness, and understanding, rather than judgment and avoidance. It is treating ourselves with the same level of empathy, care, and compassion that we would give to a dear friend or a loved one.

Self-love is celebrating our achievements with pride. It is taking care of our mind and body without shame, and it is setting healthy boundaries without guilt.

Self-love is investing in our personal growth and well-being, it is taking the time to rest when we need it and getting back up when we fall.

Self-love is forgiving our mistakes and moving on with what we’ve learned. It is looking in the mirror knowing that we are a unique individual, and while imperfect, we are complete and deserve respect, love, and care.

Why do we struggle with self-love?

If self-love is so important, why does it feel so difficult for so many of us? There are several factors that can play a role in how we relate to ourselves, some of them have deep roots in our childhood, personal relationships, or societal expectations. Let’s look at three examples.

1. When we feel that love is conditional

Many people grew up in environments where love and affection were closely tied to achievement, behavior, or emotional control. As children, they learned that to be loved, they needed to behave in certain ways, meet expectations, or suppress parts of themselves that were inconvenient, overwhelming, or uncomfortable for others.

From a child’s perspective, they learn that they need to adapt to be loved. They may think that they are only accepted when they succeed or contain their emotions. They believe that being quiet and helpful will keep them connected. They may think that their needs are less important than being a “good kid.”

It should be noted that this can happen even in families where there is genuine care and good intention. Love may be present, but it is not always felt, as parents’ intentions and a child’s experience and expectations may differ.

Expressions of love and affection vary widely across cultures, generations, and social environments. In some families or communities, physical affection is rare or discouraged, and love is demonstrated through sacrifice rather than words or touch. In these contexts, a lack of affection does not mean a lack of love.

In many cases, parents are doing the best they can within the limits of their own upbringing, stress, and cultural context. Love may be expressed through providing material needs, encouraging discipline, or preparing a child to succeed in a demanding world. Emotional restraint may be seen as strength. Affection may be assumed rather than expressed. However, a child’s mind may not understand intention and may interpret their experience as conditional love.

The beliefs developed in childhood can persist into adulthood, subconsciously, as deep-rooted relational patterns. Some symptoms we may notice from this early experience can show up as self-criticism, lack of boundaries, or a constant need to please others to receive approval. In this scenario, one may associate their self-worth with being constantly recognized through an incessant effort to perform and meet outside expectations.

2. When we try to meet societal expectations

Modern society has a powerful influence on how people are expected to look, perform, and present themselves. In some cultures, value is still closely tied to productivity, where being busy and efficient is praised, while taking time to rest and slow down can be viewed as weakness. Additionally, societal expectations around appearance can deeply influence how people relate to themselves, particularly in cultures that emphasize youth, thinness, and constant self-improvement.

Social media can intensify comparison by offering a constant stream of curated lives, bodies, and successes. Even when people know these images are filtered or selective, the nervous system still responds. Increased social media use is linked to higher levels of anxiety, depression, and lower self-esteem. When comparing themselves to fabricated online lifestyles, people start to measure their worth based on the idea that, to be good enough, they must meet a certain financial status, beauty standards, or personal achievements. In truth, most of what is shown online is curated for perfection and far from the reality of most creators.

When worth becomes tied to appearance, the internal relationship often shifts toward monitoring and correction rather than acceptance. Self-love becomes conditional, “I can be kind to myself once I achieve this goal,” or “I will love myself when my body looks a certain way.” This ongoing self-judgment brings anxiety, shame, and reduced well-being, leading to a vicious cycle of perfection-seeking for social approval.

3. When trauma speaks

Traumatic experiences or chronic mental health challenges can also shape how people relate to themselves. Trauma, whether from toxic or abusive relationships, loss, or ongoing stress, can deeply influence how people perceive safety, worth, and connection. Symptoms associated with trauma and post-traumatic stress can include increased self-criticism and difficulties regulating emotions. Together, these factors can interfere with some people’s ability to respond to themselves with kindness and compassion, leading to a reduced capacity for self-love.

While we won’t explore all the different types of trauma or mental health challenges here, it is important to recognize when they may be present and to seek appropriate support. There should be no shame in identifying these experiences or reaching out for help to address their effects. Doing so can help open the path to healing, strengthen the inner relationship, and create space for self-love and self-care.

Practical tools to practice self-love

Now that we have covered what self-love is and why so many people struggle with it, let’s look at some tools that can help you practice it mindfully.

Listen to your inner voice

Most people don’t realize they are being self-critical because that voice is automatic and familiar. Notice how you speak to yourself when something goes wrong. Is your tone supportive and patient, or is it harsh or dismissive?

Negative self-talk is powerful and can significantly impact the relationship we have with ourselves. The opposite is also true, when we treat ourselves with compassion and self-love, positive transformations can begin in our lives.

Repetitive negative thinking, including negative self-talk, can lead to increased levels of anxiety and depression, causing us to lose the motivation to take positive steps toward our health and well-being. In addition, the mindset and energy we put out into the world often return to us, as we tend to attract people with similar outlooks. These relationships, in turn, influence our experiences and the opportunities and paths that may open up for us.

Stop negative self-talk

The first step to stopping negative self-talk is to remove yourself from sources of negativity. Stop consuming social media that encourages comparison with curated or manufactured lifestyles. Instead, choose content that feels uplifting, grounding, and joyful.

Practice gratitude. Each day, take a moment to notice one or two things you could be grateful for. It doesn’t need to be something big. You might be grateful for drinking clean water, for the food on your table, or for the sun shining outside.

Practice positive thinking. You don’t need to completely ignore your negative thoughts. Instead, observe them without judgment, like clouds passing through the sky, while gently redirecting your attention. Practice replacing these thoughts with something positive and a small action. For example, instead of thinking, “I don’t like how I look,” say to yourself, “I am grateful for my body and will treat it with love and respect today.” Follow up with a supportive action, such as going for a walk, eating a healthy snack, or doing something else that helps you feel good and cared for.

Practice meditation

Mindfulness, combined with meditation, is a great tool to shift our mindset. Guided meditation is very helpful when our minds are busy or spiraling with negativity. Try a few different meditation styles and find one that works best for you. Practice regularly, even if you can only dedicate a few minutes a day.

Meditation doesn’t always look like sitting quietly with an empty mind. You can listen to positive affirmations while walking or driving to work. You can journal your experiences and reflect on them, or listen to music that evokes positive feelings. The more you practice, the more you will notice subtle shifts in your mindset, including changes in how you perceive yourself and how you interact with the world around you.

Movement is key

Movement is key for life. Prolonged stagnation can lead to disease and unhappiness.

In an ideal world, we would all be walking more and exercising daily. In reality, this may not be consistently achievable for many people. However, there are other ways to incorporate movement, even when lifestyle demands or personal conditions don’t allow for long daily self-care routines.

You can start by making small changes to your daily routine. Take the stairs instead of the elevator. Go for a walk in your neighborhood or enjoy short hikes on the weekends. Stretch your body, notice where there is tension, and try to mindfully relax.

Avoid isolating yourself. Connect with other people, volunteer in your community, or find new activity groups to participate in. You can also move around the house, tidying up your space and removing clutter. It all counts.

Allowing more movement into your life can support a clearer mind and a healthier body.

Self-love is an ongoing relationship

Self-love is not something we achieve once and then we are done. It is an ongoing relationship, one that evolves as we move through different stages of life.

How we relate to ourselves is shaped by our past experiences, our environment, and the challenges we face along the way. At times, self-love may feel natural and accessible, at other times, it may require patience, awareness, and support.

Learning to love ourselves does not mean ignoring difficulties or forcing positivity. It means noticing how we speak to ourselves, how we care for our body and mind, and how we respond when things feel hard. Small, consistent practices, like mindful awareness, movement, and choosing kinder inner dialogue, can slowly reshape this relationship, even when progress feels subtle.

Most importantly, self-love is not about perfection. It is about returning to yourself again and again with compassion. Each moment of awareness and each small choice creates space for healing, resilience, and growth. Over time, this ongoing relationship with ourselves becomes a steady foundation for well-being and happiness.

If this resonates with you, I’d love to keep the conversation going. Connect with me on Instagram and explore more on my website. I would love to see you there.

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Read more from Grinia Bradwell

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Grinia Bradwell, Intuitive Author & Writer

Grinia Bradwell, PhD, is a scientist, author, and Reiki Master who explores questions of perception, awareness, and personal growth. With a background in scientific research and a deep interest in consciousness and energy, her writing reflects on how logic and intuition can coexist. Through personal experience and thoughtful inquiry, she invites readers to expand perspective and reconnect with inner balance.