Learning to Come Home to Yourself
Written by Howaida Abdalla, Life Coach
Howaida Abdalla is a survivor of Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) and a life coach who has experience when it comes to trauma that a survivor goes through and the journey it takes to heal. She helps women to reconnect and love themselves again. She is a founder of "The Growth Hub Coaching and "Women Empowerment edition: Impact for change" Podcast.
Trauma changes the way we experience ourselves. It can interrupt our sense of safety, distort how we see our worth, and leave us feeling disconnected from our own bodies, emotions, and identity. In the aftermath, self-love can feel distant, like a concept meant for other people, not something we are allowed to access. But self-love is not something reserved for the unhurt. In fact, for those who have experienced trauma, self-love is not a luxury, it is part of the healing.
Understanding trauma’s impact
Trauma is not only about what happened, it is also about what happens inside us as a result. It can show up as hypervigilance, emotional numbness, shame, anxiety, or a deep sense of not being “enough.” It may shape how we relate to others, how we set boundaries, and how safe we feel in our own bodies.
Often, trauma teaches us survival before it teaches us self-compassion. We learn to cope, to endure, to protect ourselves. These responses, whether fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, are intelligent adaptations. But over time, they can make it difficult to feel softness toward ourselves. Self-love can feel unsafe because, at some point, safety itself was disrupted.
Redefining self-love after trauma
Self-love after trauma does not begin with affirmations or perfection. It begins with permission. It begins with allowing yourself to feel what you feel without judgment, to move at your own pace, to rest without guilt, to say no without explanation, and to exist without shrinking.
Self-love is not about forcing positivity. It is about meeting yourself honestly, gently, and consistently, even on the days when you feel broken, distant, or overwhelmed. It might look like choosing to pause instead of pushing through, speaking to yourself with kindness instead of criticism, noticing your needs and taking them seriously, and allowing yourself to take up space.
The role of safety
Self-love grows in spaces that feel safe, both internally and externally. For trauma survivors, safety is not always immediate or obvious. It may need to be rebuilt slowly, piece by piece. Safety can begin with small moments such as taking a deep breath and noticing your body, creating routines that feel predictable and grounding, surrounding yourself with people who respect your boundaries, and engaging in practices that help you feel present. When you begin to feel even a little safer, self-love has somewhere to land.
Healing the inner dialogue
One of the deepest wounds trauma leaves behind is the internal voice shaped by shame, blame, or silence. Self-love asks us to gently challenge that voice. Instead of thinking, “I should be over this by now,” try saying, “I am healing in my own time.” Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?” try, “What happened to me, and what do I need now?” This shift is not about denying pain, it is about holding it with compassion rather than judgment.
Self-love as a practice, not a destination
Self-love is not something you arrive at and complete. It is something you practice daily, imperfectly, and with patience. Some days, self-love will feel strong and present. Other days, it may feel distant or even impossible. Both are part of the process. Healing is not linear. There will be moments of progress and moments of return. What matters is the willingness to keep coming back to yourself.
Reconnecting with your body
Trauma can create a disconnect from the body, making it feel unsafe or unfamiliar. Self-love includes gently rebuilding that connection. This does not have to be overwhelming. It can begin with noticing your breath, placing a hand over your heart, stretching or moving in ways that feel good, and listening to your body’s signals without judgment. Your body is not the enemy, it is part of your story, your survival, and your healing.
You are allowed to love yourself
For many survivors, self-love can feel undeserved. Trauma can leave behind beliefs that you are “too much,” “not enough,” or somehow responsible for what happened. These beliefs are not truth, they are wounds. Self-love does not require you to be fully healed. It does not require perfection. It simply asks that you begin, however gently, to treat yourself as someone worthy of care. Because you are.
Self-love after trauma is not about becoming someone new. It is about returning to yourself slowly, compassionately, and in your own time. It is in the quiet moments when you choose rest, choose softness, and choose to stay, even when it is hard. Sometimes, self-love begins with the simplest sentence, “I am still here, and that matters.”
Read more from Howaida Abdalla
Howaida Abdalla, Life Coach
Howaida Abdalla is a life coach who helps women (survivors) of Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) to reconnect & love themselves again. She was seven years old when the FGM procedure was done on her, which left her lost and disconnected not only from people, but also from herself. She has since dedicated her life to helping other survivors reconnect and love themselves. She is a founder of "The Growth Hub Coaching," where she helps & coaches survivors. Her mission is to help, to inspire, and to empower.
