Interrupting Mean Girl Dynamics and Choosing Support
- Jun 22
- 8 min read
Danielle is the founder and principal of Archetype Learning Solutions, where she produces materials that support adult and organizational learning. She is also an author and academic researcher with an interest in how physicians transition from clinician to leader.
I recently had the privilege of supporting a women’s affinity group, Women United, through the United Way of Pierce County, which hosted its first annual afternoon tea. On the surface, it looked like a simple gathering, teacups, small sandwiches, laughter, hats, and conversation. Underneath, it was something more intentional, a space for women united around a shared commitment to show up for each other, not denigrate, diminish, or bully one another.
As I watched women share stories, cheer each other on, and make room at the table for different voices, I found myself thinking back to the Gilded Age (1870 to 1900). In that era, particularly in aristocratic circles, a woman’s “station” could be elevated, or quietly destroyed, by a handful of influential women. A rumor here, a snub there, a pointed exclusion from the right party or club. I’ve read accounts of women whose reputations, marriages, and futures were undone not by scandal in the newspapers, but by a small group of “mean girls” in the drawing room. Those stories are easy to dismiss as relics of another time. Different clothes. Different rules. Different world. Yet, the dynamics are uncomfortably familiar.
Today, the setting might be a hospital, a nonprofit, or a corporate office instead of a gilded parlor. The language has evolved, the technology is new, and the stakes may look different on the outside. But the underlying pattern, women who can quietly lift each other up or tear each other down, hasn’t disappeared. It has just changed shape.
We don’t always call it bullying. Sometimes we call it “fit,” or “not a team player,” or we frame it as concern, “I’m just not sure she’s ready yet.” Sometimes it looks like exclusion from key meetings, withholding information, or talking about someone rather than to them. Sometimes it’s the eye roll, the silence after someone speaks up, or the invitation that never arrives. Just like in the Gilded Age, those small acts can accumulate into something much bigger.
In the Archetype Learning Solutions Trauma and Poverty series, we explore the idea of the poor and vulnerable through the lens of ALICE™ families, limited income, and generational financial trauma. That lens matters. It helps us see and respond to very real material needs. But the poor and vulnerable are not always the ones we expect.
Sometimes they are the ones who drive to work in a nice car, wearing the right clothes, carrying the right bag, and still cry in the parking lot before walking in. Sometimes they are the ones who look “put together” but spend their days navigating subtle hostility, exclusion, or character assassination from people who, on paper, are their peers.
You can have a high income and still be profoundly vulnerable in your workplace.
You can have a prestigious title and still be one whisper campaign away from losing your footing.
You can be “successful” and still go home feeling small, erased, or unsafe.
That tea party for Women United was, in many ways, a small act of resistance against that old pattern. It was a declaration, we are not going to replicate the clubs and drawing rooms that weaponized relationships and status. We are going to practice something different.
We are going to be intentional about how we show up for each other.
We are going to notice the woman who has been sidelined and invite her in.
We are going to challenge the offhand comment that reduces someone to a stereotype.
We are going to celebrate each other’s wins instead of viewing them as threats.
We are going to ask, “Who’s missing?” and “Who might need a hand here?”
In leadership development, we often talk about psychological safety, inclusion, and belonging as if they are abstract constructs or items on a strategic plan. But in real life, they’re built in moments that look a lot like that tea, someone makes room at the table, someone listens without judgment, and someone chooses not to participate in the quiet character harm of gossip.
Sometimes, the most transformative thing we can do for the “poor and vulnerable” among us is to recognize that they may not be poor at all in the traditional sense. They may be colleagues whose emotional and social safety is fragile, who are one more cutting remark, one more exclusion, or one more withheld opportunity away from giving up or walking away.
The question for each of us is this, in our circles of influence, formal and informal, are we functioning as the Gilded Age “mean girls,” guarding status and deciding who belongs, or, as Women United invites us to do, intentionally using our power to see, support, and stand beside one another?
Because culture is not just what we state in our values or print in our handbooks. Culture is how we treat the woman who is not in the room to defend herself. Culture is whether we silently co-sign the quiet bullying we see or gently, firmly choose another way. Culture is shaped at conferences and in boardrooms, yes, but also over coffee, in text threads, and at tea.
Sometimes the poor and vulnerable are not poor at all. They are simply the ones we have not yet chosen to protect.
In our poverty series and simulation, we’ve explored “the poor and vulnerable” through the lens of income, access, and generational hardship. Those realities matter deeply, and they must stay in our frame. But this story asks us to widen that frame just a bit further. Vulnerability also shows up in who has power over reputation, opportunity, and belonging. It shows up in who can afford to be disliked and who cannot. It shows up in who gets quietly frozen out, not because of performance or values, but because someone with influence decided they don’t fit.
When we talk about caring for the poor and vulnerable, we are also talking about the woman whose voice is dismissed, the colleague targeted by “subtle” exclusion, and the leader who is slowly erased by a whisper campaign. When we recognize that, the question is no longer whether we see female-to-female bullying, it’s whether we are willing to interrupt it and choose something better.
Reflection and invitation for your team
If this story resonates, you might pause with your team, or yourself, around a few questions:
Where do we see “mean girl” dynamics, gossip, exclusion, or status games showing up in subtle ways here?
Who might be vulnerable in our environment, even if they don’t look “poor” from the outside?
What does it look like, in our context, to be women united, to actively protect, include, and advocate for one another?
Female-to-female bullying in the workplace is not a minor interpersonal issue, it is a culture issue, a safety issue, and often a retention issue. It erodes trust in the very places we can least afford it.
My invitation to you this month is simple, notice where you have the power to either participate in those old patterns or disrupt them. Notice where you can make more room at the table, name what you’re seeing, or stand beside someone who is being quietly pushed out. Because sometimes the poor and vulnerable are not poor at all. They are the ones who need you to decide, in the smallest of moments, to be united with them rather than against them.
Women: United at work – Interrupting “mean girl” dynamics and choosing support
Purpose: To help teams recognize subtle female-to-female bullying, understand its impact as a form of workplace harm, and commit to practical behaviors that build psychological safety and support.
1. Opening context
Female-to-female bullying is still very real in modern workplaces. It does not always look like overt hostility. More often, it shows up as exclusion, gossip, eye rolls, whisper campaigns, or “forgetting” to invite someone to key conversations.
These behaviors do not just hurt feelings, they create workplace trauma and cumulative distress. They quietly determine who feels safe, who belongs, and who is pushed to the margins. Sometimes, the “poor and vulnerable” in our organizations are not poor at all in the financial sense. They are the people whose social and emotional safety is fragile because others use status and proximity to harm rather than to help.
Today, we are choosing to interrupt those patterns and practice being women united at work.
2. Reflection questions (small groups or pairs)
Invite participants to discuss three to five of these questions in small groups or pairs:
Where have you seen subtle “mean girl” dynamics in professional settings, such as eye rolls, exclusion, gossip, gatekeeping, or whisper campaigns?
How did those behaviors affect the person targeted, and what did they signal to everyone watching?
In our organization, who might be vulnerable in ways that are not obvious from title, pay, or status?
What does it look like to be united as women in daily, practical terms?
What is one behavior you are willing to stop that may contribute to harm, even unintentionally?
What is one behavior you are willing to start or increase that would visibly support other women?
Encourage participants to notice themes that emerge, including patterns, stories, and “we all know this happens” dynamics.
3. Group commitments
As a whole group, invite people to co-create a short list of Women: United at Work Norms. Aim for three to five specific behaviors, such as:
We do not discuss a woman’s competence when she is not in the room.
We address concerns directly, not through gossip.
We actively invite women who are being sidelined into key conversations.
We challenge subtle put-downs, eye rolls, or exclusion when we see them.
We celebrate each other’s success instead of treating it as a threat.
Capture these on a visible document or slide and make them easy to revisit.
4. Personal reflection and next step
Give each person a moment to write privately:
One stop: A behavior they will stop or interrupt, for example, staying silent when someone is being undermined.
One start: A behavior they will practice more intentionally, for example, naming and amplifying another woman’s contribution in meetings.
Invite those who are comfortable to share one commitment with the group or with a partner.
5. Close the loop
End with an explicit link back to workplace trauma and cumulative workplace distress, these patterns are not “just interpersonal drama”, they are part of how trauma is created, reinforced, or healed at work. Choosing support over sabotage is both a cultural practice and a protective factor against distress.
Encourage leaders or sponsors to revisit the Women: United at Work norms in 60 to 90 days:
What has shifted?
Where are we doing better?
Where do we still see harm, and what do we need to address at a structural level, such as policies, reporting, and accountability?
Read more from Danielle Lord, PhD
Danielle Lord, PhD, Author, Researcher, and Content Creator
Dr. Danielle Lord is passionate about ensuring that employees have a meaningful and beneficial work experience. For over 30 years, she has worked in organizations bringing about transformational change through adult and organizational learning, change management, employee engagement, and leadership development. As the principal of Archetype Learning Solutions, she researches and develops materials to support employees and leaders in creating a harmonious work environment. In addition, many of her products are used by coaches and other consultants to help support their own practice of maximizing the human experience at work.
