I Know I’m Okay, But I Don’t Feel Okay – Understanding Developmental Trauma And How AEDP Can Help
- Sep 28, 2024
- 5 min read
Updated: Oct 2, 2024
Written by Irina Ciureanu, Psychologist and Psychotherapist
Irina Ciureanu is a dedicated psychologist and psychotherapist. With a previous background in business psychology, she now focuses on helping clients overcome trauma, anxiety, and depression through the AEDP model. This evidence-based approach combines mind-body techniques and neuroscience to provide effective and lasting healing.
“I know I am safe. I have no real reason to be anxious. But deep inside, I feel like I’m not safe, and something isn’t okay.”
If this sentiment resonates with you, you are not alone. Many people feel an emotional contradiction. They know, intellectually, that all is fine. Yet, they feel like the ground could crumble at any moment. This is often the result of something much deeper: developmental trauma.
What is developmental trauma?
Developmental trauma is the emotional pain from our earliest, often childhood, relationships. These early experiences shape our emotional world and affect how we relate to others. Trauma can happen when we experience too much stress or harm (like emotional abuse, constant criticism, or overwhelming responsibilities) or too little care (like neglect, emotional unavailability, or not having our needs met).
In either case, the child learns that the world—or their relationships—aren’t safe. This view carries into adulthood. It affects our self-esteem, stress reactions, and relationships. We may have outgrown the situations that harmed us. But, our childhood emotional responses can stick around. They may show up in unexpected ways.
Why it’s hard to just “live in the present”
You may have heard advice like, “Just focus on the present,” or “Let go of the past.” This can help some. But, for those with developmental trauma, the past creeps into the present. Trying to focus on the present can be tough. Old memories, emotions, or body sensations may rise up without warning. They can make you feel vulnerable, unsafe, or disconnected.
Imagine feeling like a child again, but not in a good way. Instead, it’s that feeling of being small, scared, or helpless—even when nothing in your environment is threatening you. These buried emotions don’t go away just because we want them to. In fact, many of us build emotional walls to hide these parts of ourselves. We avoid situations that might trigger them, we deny they exist, or we exile them to the background of our lives.
But here’s the thing: those parts of us are still there—even the parts we try to hide.
How developmental trauma affects relationships
The consequences of developmental trauma can be devastating, especially in our relationships. Think about it: if your earliest experiences taught you that the world (or the people in it) couldn’t be trusted, how can you feel safe opening up to others?
When someone grows up without enough care or too much stress, they might struggle to connect emotionally with others, have difficulty trusting people, or feel disconnected even in close relationships. They might find themselves overly guarded, afraid of being hurt again, or constantly worried about being abandoned. These feelings can lead to a cycle of isolation, anxiety, and strained relationships.
The power of AEDP: Healing from the inside out
While developmental trauma can feel overwhelming, there are ways to heal. One of the best therapies I know is Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP).
Yes, I am a psychotherapist, and I have always worked on myself. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a one model type of therapist. On the contrary, alongside AEDP, I am trained in psychological trauma, transactional analysis, and hypnotherapy. I am also training in EMDR and somatic experiencing. I mention all these because I know what it’s like to draw from various therapy models.
So, I first tried AEDP therapy on myself, after many, many years of other forms of therapy. Those years helped, but never quite enough.
I realized this was different. As an AEDP therapist, you must be authentic and real. That's the only choice in this therapy. I connected deeply with my therapist and felt how things were changing for me. There was a focus on connection and authenticity. Also, there was a wealth of knowledge about feeling safe, the nervous system, emotional healing, emotional regulation, memory reconsolidation, and more.
AEDP is a therapy model. It aims to heal emotional wounds, especially those from childhood.
Unlike traditional talk therapy, AEDP is more experiential. It focuses on feeling the locked-away emotions, not just talking about them. The goal of AEDP is to create a sense of safety so that we can begin to reconnect with those parts of ourselves we’ve exiled. In this process, we gently work through the painful emotions, but in a new, safe context.
What makes AEDP different?
AEDP focuses on a process called memory reconsolidation. Now, memory reconsolidation doesn’t mean changing the facts of what happened in the past—those events are part of your story. What it does mean is changing how we feel about those memories. AEDP helps us build new emotional pathways. It prevents us from getting stuck in the same emotional response each time the memory is triggered.
For example, let’s say a client has a memory of feeling abandoned as a child. Every time something similar happens in adulthood, they might feel the same sense of fear and insecurity. In AEDP, we would explore that memory in a safe, supportive environment. We might use an experiential technique called "portrayals." The client would imagine a past scene and explore their feelings then and now. This can involve real or imagined conversations with people from the past, present, or even future. By reliving these scenes in a new, safe context, clients can change their emotional responses. They can also create new possibilities for how they feel about themselves and their relationships.
Integration of mind and body
AEDP recognizes that trauma is often stored in the body as well as the mind. The therapy integrates both. It pays attention to physical sensations that arise during emotional processing. By addressing both the mind and body, AEDP creates a more holistic approach to healing.
Emotional processing in the present
AEDP works to change how you experience emotions in the moment. When difficult emotions arise in the session, AEDP urges clients to embrace them. It does not favor avoiding or analyzing them from a distance. With the therapist’s guidance, clients are able to process their emotions fully in the present, which leads to more lasting change.
Reconnecting with yourself and others
Developmental trauma often leaves us feeling disconnected. We become cut off from ourselves, our emotions, and others. AEDP helps bridge that gap by reclaiming those lost parts. The therapy creates a space for deep emotional processing, where old wounds can be revisited and transformed.
For many people, this process can be incredibly freeing. They stop feeling trapped in old emotional patterns. They begin to experience themselves and their relationships in a new way. It feels more open, connected, and safe.
Read more from Irina Ciureanu
Irina Ciureanu, Psychologist and Psychotherapist
With empathy, curiosity, and gentleness, she supports clients on their journey of emotional healing. She helps them recalibrate their life's path, highlighting the key questions needed to uncover their answers and internal resources for improved well-being. With over 15 years of extensive training and specializations in psychology and psychotherapy, Irina understands the personal and professional challenges of the modern world. Her approach, grounded in scientific validation, emphasizes the connection between mind and body. Through integrative therapy, she aims to foster transformation and enhance psycho-emotional health.
