How To Work With Anxiety & Grief
- Jun 11, 2024
- 6 min read
Written by Monica Jordan, Holistic Coach
Monica Jordan is a holistic coach, writer and speaker. She is an emotional alchemist who supports people in transforming their past. & breaking the generational cycle, so they can free themselves, find their inner power & make a difference in their own lives and the lives of others.
Anxiety and grief may be flowing through our system now. Our hearts may feel tender and raw for the suffering we see around us these days. Some of us may be experiencing unspeakable personal challenges as well, and when we add the unprecedented conflicts that have shattered the world as we knew it, we may find ourselves irritated and impatient, longing for the uncertainty of what will happen next to finally come to an end.
Fear, anxiety and even anger may be intensified now. There is a healthy place for these emotions as they may be alerting us from a threat and trying to push us away from it. It is then that they fulfill a protective purpose. So please, do not judge yourself.
What is hiding underneath fear & anxiety?
Sometimes fear and anxiety may also be hiding another underlying emotion that most people want to avoid: grief. Grief turns us towards our soft, vulnerable hearts, and we may feel overwhelmed.
Many of us didn’t learn how to connect to our vulnerability as we were growing up, so we don’t know what it looks like to drop down into that undefended place.
Instead, when we feel scared or sad, we resort to our default defense mechanism, which is to harden, blame, attack or panic. While these unconscious tendencies do not serve us, it is where we all often go, especially in difficult times.
What to do in the presence of grief
A few nights ago, I let go of the armor of my heart, which was apparently more defended than I thought. My soul became very tender. The shield I did not even know I was protecting myself with, melted. And suddenly my heart softened, and I experienced deep sadness.
A very good friend of mine is suffering the pain of witnessing her daughter fall into a vortex of despair and resorting to drugs to numb and run away from herself by seeking to end her life. I was overcome by the rawness of her experience. So many people are suffering from mental illness in silence.
While I was heartbroken, I did not resist my feelings. On the contrary, I followed what I learned from Rumi & welcomed them.
What we can learn from Rumi
I allowed myself to grieve, to contact my deep sadness. I welcomed all my emotions, like Rumi says in his beautiful poem “The Guest House:”
This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
(From "The Essential Rumi", version by Coleman Barks)
Rumi teaches us a unique perspective by embracing adversity and finding meaning in life challenges as a path to spiritual awakening.
He says that there are no good and bad emotions. All our emotions are valuable and desirable even those that we desperately try to avoid. They are all opportunities for growth.
Being human is messy. We need to accept all feelings to the banquet of life or else they will destroy us by their insistence to be recognized, embraced and admitted to full conscious awareness.
One moment is joyful, another is depressed, even meanness demands our attention. We need to accept and honor them all, he says, because each brings a valuable message which is a gateway to new awareness.
Rumi reminds us to validate and be grateful for all our inner family, the dark and the light, the shame and the triumphant spirit, the malice, and the generosity of spirit.
The Guest House connects beautifully with Carl Jung’s concept of the shadow. When feelings are disowned and banished to the unconscious, they exert excessive influence on our lives, and they demand to be recognized despite our attempts to repress them.
Conversely, when the disowned parts of self are recognized and integrated into conscious awareness, we become a whole version of ourselves, and our relationship with ourselves and others becomes richer, because the house welcomes all guests.
How are anxiety & grief connected?
Anxiety and grief are closely connected in many ways. Anxiety is one of the many layers of grief which is often neglected.
When someone experiences a loss – whether it's the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or losing a job – it often triggers feelings of grief. Grief itself can cause anxiety, as it involves coming to terms with major life changes and uncertainty about the future.
Common symptoms of grief like difficulty sleeping, loss of appetite, trouble concentrating, and fatigue are also symptoms of anxiety. As someone grieves, they may start to worry excessively and feel a constant sense of unease. Anxiety and panic disorders can even develop during or after a period of grief.
The anxiety caused by grief often stems from the loss of security, purpose, and stability that the person or thing provided. The future now seems unclear and unfamiliar. Anxiety acts as a response to these feelings of instability and lack of control. While anxiety is a normal part of grieving, for some people it becomes severe enough to interfere with daily life.
How to work with anxiety & grief?
We are all grieving in one way or another. The loss, change, and uncertainty that trigger grief also activate the body's natural anxiety response.
As I allowed myself to feel the anxiety and the grief in my body, they gradually started to dissolve. When we soften our defenses, the pain comes through. I could then sense the stuck energy in my chest evaporate. I connected to my emotions, and I acknowledged the pain. That was all my feelings wanted: to be heard.
I know they will come back again and again, but now that I know what they want, I will not fear them. Instead, I will accept them as messengers for my spiritual growth.
In most cases, anxiety related to grief will lessen over time as the person adjusts to their loss and new reality. Even for less severe cases, talking to loved ones, joining a grief support group, or expressing how we feel verbally or in writing can help lessen the anxiety that often accompanies grief.
Rather than running away or ignoring our grief, our power resides in bringing awareness to the emotions underlying that grief.
I invite you to sit with the feelings that arise and feel them in your body. That is the way our emotions communicate with us; they speak to us in somatic ways. We have to listen to them when they whisper so they don’t have to shout by creating pathology.
Instead of resisting the challenging emotions that come to visit you, ask the questions that will give birth to your truth and a new way of being, like What do I need? or what should I do? A place of light will open in the darkness.
Like Mark Nepo says: This requires diving where we are, not running from what is. We must be brave and must beware, mostly of ourselves. For the mind is like a spider, and our unchecked thoughts can create deep suffering.
So please, do not judge yourself. Hold yourself in the cradle of self-compassion. And remind yourself about the impermanence of feelings. Remember, feelings are like an ocean tide. They come and go. This too shall pass. We will get through this just as we got through other tough times in our past.
So when anxiety knocks on our door, like Rumi says, we cannot leave it unattended.
When fear leads us to see danger in every corner, when it leads us to hoard and to panic or when healthy anger changes into hostility, blame and attack, these emotions are no longer helpful.
It is in moments like these that self-awareness becomes our ally, our most powerful friend, because Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate like Carl Jung said.
So, listening to anxiety and grief that may seem to be emerging stronger during this time, becomes the inner work we are all called to do. It is the first step towards healing ourselves and being able to offer compassion to others.
Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn, and visit my website for more info on how to work with anxiety & grief!
Monica Jordan, Holistic Coach
Monica Jordan is the founder of EmbraceMindfulness.org. She is a holistic coach who uses her neuroscience and mindfulness background to understand the complexities of the human heart and develop tools to reframe challenging life experiences, reclaim our inner power and nurture our spiritual growth. Her life purpose is to explore ways to alleviate our suffering. She would love to support you in bridging the gap between trauma and purpose so you can connect to yourself, to those around you and to the world in such a way that you are able to embrace & love every aspect of your life, even your challenges.
